In my almost 35 years of life, my main goal has been to stay out of trouble and just live normally and uneventfully. I have managed to do so for the most part, whereas my sister's more on the wild side, with a hair trigger temper to match, which is why she and our bible thumping, critical, paranoid, self-proclaimed "morally superior" mother are constantly fighting lately, just screaming at each other on a constant basis. Thing about it is that, as siblings, my sister and I have almost nothing in common and often don't get along, but nevertheless we have always had each other's backs, even in the simplest issues. Their most recent fight just a few days ago came from the fact that my sister's phone is damaged, so she's borrowing both Mom's and my very old, crappy flip-phone. She uses my phone for calls and short text messages with her friends when she goes to work and stays out till the next day, and at home she uses Mom's to check Instagram and talk with friends. The fight came because sister forgot to close her Instagram on Mom's phone and Mom wet through my sister's messages because "she can tell" that my sister is "going down the wrong path". My sister was understandably furious about her privacy being invaded and they had a huge blowout of a fight, in which I defended my sister and had her back the whole way.

So imagine my surprise when my mother comes to me very late at night looking grim as can be to tell me that, while my sister has been using my phone, she started reading my other text messages that I forgot to delete, some of them from an older gay man who I befriended almost a decade ago, someone I trust and feel comfortable talking about sexual things with because I know he won't judge me and I feel he can teach me a lot as a person who's had to deal with sexuality issues as well. So some of these texts were sexual in nature, because I feel comfortable talking sexual things with him and sometimes we even joke around about it, but nothing wrong or amoral has ever happened. After my sister did what she got angry at Mom for doing to her, she jumped to conclusions about the messages, panics, calls home and talks to Mom, says she has something important to talk to with Dad (sister confides in Dad most for everything) and asks to talk to Dad. She tells Dad about it, saying she's worried I may be mixed up in something bad, that maybe some depraved old man's trying to take advantage of me. Naturally, Dad wasted no time in telling Mom.

That led to Mom reading me a huge riot act for the better part of an hour, and nothing I said, no assurances, nothing calmed her, until I was cornered to the point of having to come out as bisexual to her and Dad. Dad barely reacted, he just wanted to go to bed and did so, and I assume I may hear about it all later. Mom, who has become a paranoid, bible thumping nutjob over the past few years, I basically saw her deflate. She criticized me, nothing I said about anything calmed her down, she's now painting me as some sort of depraved, corrupted idiot who will go to jail for texting sexual talk with someone because, and I ain't even kidding with this, she says that being caught with sexual messages in your phone or online will land me in jail, like how it happened to some politician here in our island who had been caught texting sexually with a 17 year old girl and it landed him in jail. Of course, sexual text messages between me and someone older than me has zero pedophilia or anything of the sort, but then she says that if the man I know gets caught doing something illegal, I'll be guilty by association because of the texts and go to jail. Basically, there is no appeasing her...

She also tried grilling me over info on my gay friend, which I refused to give except for the barest of details (he works as an event organizer, he bakes amazing looking cakes, he's a movie buff with a big movie collection, he lives with his elderly parents, his siblings and his nephews) because it's none of her damn business and I will not bring drama and problems to my friend's life over Mom's prejudices. She keeps saying that if I hid this friend from her and everyone for almost ten years and continue to do so, then it's because something bad is going on. I made it clear that the reason I've hidden it all this time is because I knew damn well she would react this way, that a disaster like this would happen, but no matter how much I insist that this man is a good person and that he and I have never done anything wrong or amoral (the guy lives with elderly parents who never leave the house and his siblings and nephews also live there, the house is never empty, so we can't exactly do sexual things!), she firmly believes that he's some sort of depraved sexual predator who's doing illegal things and will land me in jail for associating with him. She went on a tirade that I used to be one of the few things in her life that didn't stress her much and she could feel secure about, because of my anti-social tendencies having a positive side, as in I don't go out much, and when I do it's just to my best friend's house (he's like part of the family) or to run errands, that I don't drink or smoke or go to bars or discos or anything of the sort, I've never been in trouble with the law at all, I try to do good and go out of my way to help anyone who needs it. But now she sees me as something else entirely, and it's not positive in any way.

So, yeah, all of that happened. My mother will make me miserable from now on because of her paranoia and prejudices, she basically told me outright that from now on she'll be watching me like a hawk and monitoring who I communicate with, where I go and where I am. She says she is not angry about my sexual orientation, that she respects it ad that she's only worried for my well being due to the "people I've chosen to associate with". To her I'm not the "flawed but good son who'll never cause trouble" any longer, I am now someone low, stupid, perverted, irresponsible and untrustworthy, someone she's disappointed in. I don't know how my father will react, but I suspect that while not as judgmental as Mom, it's still not gonna be good.

I had a long talk with my sister when she got home too, because this is all her fault. Turns out her opening the text was an accident. It figures, right? She gets lots from her friends and opened one of mine by mistake thinking it was for her, and seeing the lewd, sexual nature of it, she got worried for m. She admitted to panicking and not knowing what to do and thus called Dad, as she always has, to talk to him about it because she was scared for my well being, also admitting that she should've contacted me first or waited to talk to me. The only silver lining in this is her accepting all the responsibility of this having happened. She's always been as open minded as me and she's got zero issues with me being bisexual. And she is beyond mortified about herself being the cause of this whole thing happening, she's very angry at herself for doing that to me after all the times I've stood up for her, and that the least she can do is stand up for me if Mom starts going off on me again. She says she absolutely refuses to allow our parents to belittle and demean me, especially Mom, and that she'll be by my side and have my back through it all. That's a small, tiny bit of relief in all this. It's something, at least.

I'm exhausted. Distressed. Crushed. I want to be alone, but at the same time I want the people I love and trust close to me because I don't know if I could handle being alone right now.

My birthday is this Tuesday the 15th. I wanted it to be at least a decent day. Now I'm dreading every waking hour ahead of me from now on. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to pick myself back up. Right now I'm physically and emotionally drained. I need to go to bed. I just wish I could stay there forever and not have to ever get up to deal with what happened and whatever is coming after.

If you've managed to read this far down, then thank you for caring. Wish me luck, please. I feel I need that and more.