The other day, I was at the grocery store getting a couple items. Needed a new air-freshener for my car as well as mints to offer my Lyft customers. On my way out the door, and older black woman sitting out front flagged me down. She said something to me that has really been on my mind a lot lately.

"Hey, young man. Smile! Stop looking so mean. Put a smile on, okay?"

I responded with a smile and said, "Well, thank you."

Until the past couple years, I did have a problem with my demeanor and my temper. It affected my work as well as relationships with colleagues, friends, and family in some cases. Even when I was feeling happy and content, I never usually smiled. Many folks I work with would often ask me what's wrong. I'd respond, "Nothing. This is how I am. Just working."

When I found the furry fandom, I found myself coming out of my shell a bit more. As I explored the fandom and made new friends, I noticed myself smiling more and being more upbeat in everyday life. I had found an environment with which I could explore my interests and bring some fun into my life. Even my fellow workers noticed a change. I was more laid back and easy going on the job which translated to better service.

However, I still had my share of moments where even though on the inside I'm more laid back, easy going, and generally happier, on the outside, I still appear the opposite. People continued to question if everything was okay, try to encourage me to be even more upbeat. That still happens to this day. A therapist I'm seeing has commented on it. I have gotten flags from Lyft customers thinking I'm not very friendly, even despite my service being among the best. Is this just because I'm not smiling?

Studies have shown that smiling isn't just good for your relationships and career, it's good for your health. In fact, it is recommended that even when you're on the phone, that you should smile because it affects the way you speak. I have many reasons to smile of course. I have great friends, a job I enjoy (even if it's not the most stable), my family relationships have gotten better, and I'm healthier in general having lost a decent amount of weight in the past couple years. Plus, on the job, I do take pride in providing as friendly a service as possible.

Despite all of that, I continue to not smile very often. First, I don't feel my smile is very attractive. I failed at wearing the retainer when I was younger, so my teeth are very crooked. Also, I could stand to brush, floss, and mouthwash more often too, so my breath usually isn't the best either. Things are far from perfect in my life. I'm in search for a new career after walking away from education. I've worked nothing but dead end jobs which, despite learning a lot from them, didn't lead to anything up the ladder. As much as I enjoy being a Lyft driver, seeing my rating considering hovering in mediocrity despite providing great service has left me nothing short of frustrated. As a result, I feel depression slowly creeping up on me, if it wasn't already there to begin with. I'm 28 and going nowhere fast, and frankly, it's starting to terrify me.

After what happened between me and the old lady, I couldn't help but tear up in the car before I started work. What is it about me that looks so mean? What's wrong with me? I look at myself in the mirror, and I see why. I'm still haunted by my past stupidity, and how it's contributed to my looks and my overall current reality. Without a smile, I'm Freak the Mighty. In fact, I'll go so far as to say I look just about as pleasant and warm as those barbarians holding tiki torches in North Carolina the other day. It scares the ever-loving shit out of me.

Plus, why smile when it's not genuine? I've encountered my share of almost TOO happy people. The kind of folks that could stand inside a burning building and still be smiling, giving you a thumbs-up saying, "This is fine!" I'm not about that life. I can't just pretend things are okay.

So, it's quite a struggle that I'm in. Do I really have to fight against my true feelings, muster a smile, and pretend all is well? Maybe. Despite my concerns, constant worry about what I'm doing or not doing with myself certainly isn't getting me anywhere. Maybe I need to spend a little more time in front of a mirror, looking at myself, accepting who I am, and continuing to improve. After all, even if it's not all that genuine, smiling certainly doesn't hurt. And the more I do it, the more genuine it can become.

As the old song goes, "Don't worry. Be happy." Not sounding like bad advice after all.