I was born on the desert, september, 17 of '77...

Not unlike Josh Homme, I am getting old. Yes, as old as punk rock; not as old as Iggy Pop, though.

And even though people around me confuse me for a mid-20s guy, I'm not. It's funny though, people ask me what is my secret for looking young at this age....

I don't know. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't really lived...yet here I stand, as a historian of this community. I've been around since 1997, and I have seen a lot.

Unfortunately, just like the desert I was born, so is my life, with a lot of past mirages to tempt me and a few solid and withstanding oasis. These are very precious to me. For they have seen me for what I am, which is somewhat of a grand loser, and yet haven't thrown me away.

But it's...a bit maddening, to be honest. To reach this age and realize that you haven't accomplished almost nothing of real value throughout your life. To discover that you ARE fucking autistic, now clynically diagnosed. That was one helluva b-day gift, life. Thanks for that. (And yes, it's true. Ask my psychologist and she'll confirm)

I'm moving forward yet if feels backwards. Because I'm running out of time. 40 years is nearly half a century. And yet I haven't found a true purpose for myself. Sometimes I feel like I exist as a ghost...like I have already died. Or even worse, that I'm like a leech of society, the unproductive member, a parasite. Existing as a waste of space.

Try to live with your brain telling you these things on a daily basis. That's my life in a nutshell. The struggle to ignore such thoughts.

I'm under treatment, yes. If anyone who knows this kinda drugs, the so-called meds, it's me, myself and I. Lately, I'm taking Parnate, which is a kinda funny drug; it can literally kill me if I consume certain foods, including cheese, bacon, beer, wine, and some other delicacies, like ham. Vegans really should try this drug - if they step out of line, they will have a stroke and die, or survive as a fucking vegetable, which is the vegans' ultimate dream, innit? Ehehehehe, okay, I'll leave you guys alone. To each their own, I say.

But I'm not kidding about Parnate. Before I even started the treatment, the doctor handed me a scary article about how deadly it can be, and gave me a week to think about accepting the treatment, for the level of commitment to my diet had to be severe.

That was basically, a last-resource treatment. Anything stronger than this? Yeah. Shock therapy. Never had to go there yet, thankfully. But I accepted the parnate, and had to gave up on a lot of nice foods...for a mind-regulator heavy drug. Ah, another fun fact: it deprives your sleep forever. You can only sleep drug-induced sleep...and those are like comas - you close your eyes and dreamlessly you woke up as if no time had passed at all.

Well, next weekend I'll be turning 40, officially. A lot of people focus on the money or the position they haven't earned in life, but not me. That is not my ultimate regret.

I miss the person I still haven't met in my life.

And so it is, since 19 from 77; hey kids, look at me. Don't be like me.