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A Year of Growth
16 years ago
Just FYI, this journal is primarily intended as an opportunity for me to reflect on things. Feel free to read and comment if you wish but it's not meant as a rant or as a memoir, so much as it is an opportunity for me to explore my personal growth.
In the past year I've had to grow. A lot. I've learned many new things, taught myself new limits and responsibilities - often times ones that were thrust upon me which forced me to act. It's been a journey - a long, tough journey, but I feel as if I'm in a better place in my life for it. I have much work to do but I've taken that first mile on the long road to self-improvement.
I suppose it began about a year and a half ago in hindsight. In my selfish and self-absorbed attitudes I drove away people that I had been close with, at that time. I found myself an outsider with only a few true friends, and most of those friends I wasn't all too close with. I was self-centered, self-interested, and an asshole a lot of times. I could make excuses to try and explain away my actions but I prefer to acknowledge that I made my own choices, for better or for worse, and that I know now that I made some pretty poor choices. Some of you who may (or may not) be reading this know what events I'm referring to. It's a shameful part of my past, that I don't want to revisit. I'll go into brief detail, not to revel in self-pity but so that I can at least impart some understanding to others, and maybe help myself gain better clarity on the issue too.
For some time I was a member of a pack, a wolf pack, an online one. I admit that I never quite fit in. I didn't have the attitude usually. There's a mindset one has to have for a group like this, a sort of family mindset. I tried to get into that mindset, but it never quite clicked. Often times I acted like a spoiled child, throwing tantrums when I didn't get my way. It was juvenile and selfish of me, and a repeated history of this culminated in me getting kicked out. It hurt, and it hurt bad. I felt as if I'd been betrayed by my own family. Hurt gave way to betrayal which led to anger and guilt. It was a long time before I came to grips with it; a rather long period of my life was at an end and I was "on my own" without much of my support net. I could try to excuse away my actions but there's really no excuse for what I did and how I acted; it was pure self-interest on my part without any real consideration to the moods or feelings of others. Could I go back and change my ways now I would, but I also feel that it started me on the road to taking responsibility for my actions - learning to cope with the change and understanding why it was necessary, and how I could prevent such things in the future. It was a hard lesson, one of the hardest I'd ever had to learn, and it took me a very long time to really, truly learn.
About that same time, I started a new job and I'd resolved to make a change in my life, to take this job more seriously than I'd taken my last job. In my defense, my previous job was pretty awful, but I knew that I could have made better of the situation if I'd put forth the effort to do so. I soon found myself falling into a lot of the same pitfalls, struggling with a lot of the same things. At first it was just a few things here and there but I let myself snowball downwards until it was really a big problem. I'd be lying if I said I'm out of the woods on it, because I'm not. I've been having to work my ass off in the past month of work to make up for my mistakes, and it's been hard. I've been worried on a near-daily basis that I might get walked out of the door, but I've been trying to maintain an open dialogue with my supervisor to keep up on my status and progress. I've made marked improvement in many areas over the past several months, but I know I have a way to go, still. It's hard to remain upbeat and keep a positive outlook when I've become so accustomed to an instant-gratification approach to life, but I've been forcing myself to drive forward because I know I'll come out the other end all the better for the experience.
I broke off a bad relationship, too. About a year ago I was finally forced to finalize the breakup with my ex. Things had been rough for a long time between us, and we weren't really sure where things were going. Dialogue between us broke down severely, and I was torn up inside dealing with it. I realize that a lot of problems in the relationship were because I was often self-interested and more focused on my own problems than trying to be a supportive, loving partner. My repeated attempts at re-establishing open communication between us failed, and I found myself more and more frustrated that he was responding with much of the same attitude that I'd shown for so long (and in hindsight it's only recently that I've realized that the lack of attention and communication he showed me in many ways mirrored the way I'd treated him). As much as I loved him I couldn't continue to put my heart into a relationship when I didn't receive the same from the other end. It became increasingly clear that he felt similar, that he was uncertain about what we could do and if we could really recover. I tried, or perhaps I just tell myself I tried. Maybe it was easier to blame him than to blame myself. I'm still not sure, to be honest. I broke things off because I thought it was the right choice to make and I don't regret making that decision. It hurt, and it hurt bad. More than once I wanted to go back and beg for forgiveness but I decided that I couldn't do this; in order to heal and to grow I had to learn to deal with it. It was the first time I had to break off a serious relationship.
With my friends I've re-evaluated many things. I used to base my self-worth on how many people I considered to be "friends" which is ironic because I've never been too skilled in that department at all. I had too many friends to reliably be able to maintain any of those friendships except for a particular, core group. Many of them I alienated because of various things. Some of it was my lack of responsibility, some of it was that I often just talked too much about things that nobody really cared about. Often I'd tell jokes that were, at least to me, very funny, but made little to no sense to others. Learning to audit what I say, and to truly "think before I speak" was a hard process. I've grown a lot in that department, though I know I have some way to go yet. A friend confirmed that I'm a lot more pleasant to be around now than I was then; I'm more laid-back and don't speak unless I have something worth saying.
I haven't truly learned how to be appropriate in all things. I've had to face up to the fact that although I'm a very sexual person, that many other people aren't and that they might get put off by that sort of attitude. For this reason I've genuinely tried to approach the issue with more tact. This is hard for me - very, very hard. I have a lot of sexual energy and I've had it for a very long time, and sometimes I get far too worked up. It's cost me a few friends. I've driven people away because of it. I regret it. I still struggle with it; just recently I drove yet another friend away due to it, and I fear that there's another that I'm well on the way to upsetting. In general I still tend to put my foot in my mouth about a lot of things, not just sexual. I've had to admit to myself that I'm not a "people person" - sure, I'm boisterous and outgoing when I'm with friends but when it comes to truly understanding people, I haven't the first clue. It's frustrating.
I've grown considerably in my religious views, too. Not too long ago I had a pretty negative view on religion in general, a view that was generated by the negative archetypes we so commonly see. Christianity in particular was a prime target for my anger, and I tore into the foundations of this religion at every opportunity. I came to view any Christian as a hateful bigot and didn't realize that I was becoming one myself. It was actually two friends of mine, twins, who helped me to realize that I was wrong. They were very seriously Christian, and although they had their own ideas about what was right and good, they didn't judge others poorly because of a difference of ideals or opinions. We discussed at length their religious ideals and although at first I tried to dissuade them, I came to respect their views. I encouraged them to truly pursue the matter on their own - to study without the aid of their pastor or family, to really learn it themselves and to make their own decision. As of now they're still Christian, but I know they've taken my advice to heart. If they remain Christian of their own volition I'll be behind them 100%; if they choose a different path, I'll be the first to lend them a hand to finding their own truth.
Financially things have been rough for nearly a year. I was in a bad spot when my ex-roommates were going through a divorce. I had next to no money and I had bills piling up. At times I had to go without water or power for a few days until we got money put together. It was extra tough since I had just been thrown into a situation of direct financial responsibility, one which I'd never really been in for my entire life until that point. I realized at that point that it was either sink or swim, and damned if I was going to let myself sink. I worked hard and I'm still working hard. I'm still learning, and I'm still making mistakes, but I'm learning from them. I'll be the first to admit that I fall into the same traps sometimes and that I don't watch my finances as closely as I should, but I'm still growing. I'm still learning.
Anyone who has taken the time to read all of this should be commended - or perhaps condemned. :P I want to take this final moment to thank anyone who read through it all, and I also want to thank my friends, my true friends, most of whom will never see this journal or even know that it exists. You've truly been supportive through some of the roughest times of my life, and I know that there's no way I could have made it through without having you there to lend a hand, or to offer a shoulder to cry on when I needed it. You've helped to teach me that there's a difference between a true friend, and someone that you just hang out with; for that one lesson alone, I owe you guys the world.
Peace and Love,
Val / Devik
In the past year I've had to grow. A lot. I've learned many new things, taught myself new limits and responsibilities - often times ones that were thrust upon me which forced me to act. It's been a journey - a long, tough journey, but I feel as if I'm in a better place in my life for it. I have much work to do but I've taken that first mile on the long road to self-improvement.
I suppose it began about a year and a half ago in hindsight. In my selfish and self-absorbed attitudes I drove away people that I had been close with, at that time. I found myself an outsider with only a few true friends, and most of those friends I wasn't all too close with. I was self-centered, self-interested, and an asshole a lot of times. I could make excuses to try and explain away my actions but I prefer to acknowledge that I made my own choices, for better or for worse, and that I know now that I made some pretty poor choices. Some of you who may (or may not) be reading this know what events I'm referring to. It's a shameful part of my past, that I don't want to revisit. I'll go into brief detail, not to revel in self-pity but so that I can at least impart some understanding to others, and maybe help myself gain better clarity on the issue too.
For some time I was a member of a pack, a wolf pack, an online one. I admit that I never quite fit in. I didn't have the attitude usually. There's a mindset one has to have for a group like this, a sort of family mindset. I tried to get into that mindset, but it never quite clicked. Often times I acted like a spoiled child, throwing tantrums when I didn't get my way. It was juvenile and selfish of me, and a repeated history of this culminated in me getting kicked out. It hurt, and it hurt bad. I felt as if I'd been betrayed by my own family. Hurt gave way to betrayal which led to anger and guilt. It was a long time before I came to grips with it; a rather long period of my life was at an end and I was "on my own" without much of my support net. I could try to excuse away my actions but there's really no excuse for what I did and how I acted; it was pure self-interest on my part without any real consideration to the moods or feelings of others. Could I go back and change my ways now I would, but I also feel that it started me on the road to taking responsibility for my actions - learning to cope with the change and understanding why it was necessary, and how I could prevent such things in the future. It was a hard lesson, one of the hardest I'd ever had to learn, and it took me a very long time to really, truly learn.
About that same time, I started a new job and I'd resolved to make a change in my life, to take this job more seriously than I'd taken my last job. In my defense, my previous job was pretty awful, but I knew that I could have made better of the situation if I'd put forth the effort to do so. I soon found myself falling into a lot of the same pitfalls, struggling with a lot of the same things. At first it was just a few things here and there but I let myself snowball downwards until it was really a big problem. I'd be lying if I said I'm out of the woods on it, because I'm not. I've been having to work my ass off in the past month of work to make up for my mistakes, and it's been hard. I've been worried on a near-daily basis that I might get walked out of the door, but I've been trying to maintain an open dialogue with my supervisor to keep up on my status and progress. I've made marked improvement in many areas over the past several months, but I know I have a way to go, still. It's hard to remain upbeat and keep a positive outlook when I've become so accustomed to an instant-gratification approach to life, but I've been forcing myself to drive forward because I know I'll come out the other end all the better for the experience.
I broke off a bad relationship, too. About a year ago I was finally forced to finalize the breakup with my ex. Things had been rough for a long time between us, and we weren't really sure where things were going. Dialogue between us broke down severely, and I was torn up inside dealing with it. I realize that a lot of problems in the relationship were because I was often self-interested and more focused on my own problems than trying to be a supportive, loving partner. My repeated attempts at re-establishing open communication between us failed, and I found myself more and more frustrated that he was responding with much of the same attitude that I'd shown for so long (and in hindsight it's only recently that I've realized that the lack of attention and communication he showed me in many ways mirrored the way I'd treated him). As much as I loved him I couldn't continue to put my heart into a relationship when I didn't receive the same from the other end. It became increasingly clear that he felt similar, that he was uncertain about what we could do and if we could really recover. I tried, or perhaps I just tell myself I tried. Maybe it was easier to blame him than to blame myself. I'm still not sure, to be honest. I broke things off because I thought it was the right choice to make and I don't regret making that decision. It hurt, and it hurt bad. More than once I wanted to go back and beg for forgiveness but I decided that I couldn't do this; in order to heal and to grow I had to learn to deal with it. It was the first time I had to break off a serious relationship.
With my friends I've re-evaluated many things. I used to base my self-worth on how many people I considered to be "friends" which is ironic because I've never been too skilled in that department at all. I had too many friends to reliably be able to maintain any of those friendships except for a particular, core group. Many of them I alienated because of various things. Some of it was my lack of responsibility, some of it was that I often just talked too much about things that nobody really cared about. Often I'd tell jokes that were, at least to me, very funny, but made little to no sense to others. Learning to audit what I say, and to truly "think before I speak" was a hard process. I've grown a lot in that department, though I know I have some way to go yet. A friend confirmed that I'm a lot more pleasant to be around now than I was then; I'm more laid-back and don't speak unless I have something worth saying.
I haven't truly learned how to be appropriate in all things. I've had to face up to the fact that although I'm a very sexual person, that many other people aren't and that they might get put off by that sort of attitude. For this reason I've genuinely tried to approach the issue with more tact. This is hard for me - very, very hard. I have a lot of sexual energy and I've had it for a very long time, and sometimes I get far too worked up. It's cost me a few friends. I've driven people away because of it. I regret it. I still struggle with it; just recently I drove yet another friend away due to it, and I fear that there's another that I'm well on the way to upsetting. In general I still tend to put my foot in my mouth about a lot of things, not just sexual. I've had to admit to myself that I'm not a "people person" - sure, I'm boisterous and outgoing when I'm with friends but when it comes to truly understanding people, I haven't the first clue. It's frustrating.
I've grown considerably in my religious views, too. Not too long ago I had a pretty negative view on religion in general, a view that was generated by the negative archetypes we so commonly see. Christianity in particular was a prime target for my anger, and I tore into the foundations of this religion at every opportunity. I came to view any Christian as a hateful bigot and didn't realize that I was becoming one myself. It was actually two friends of mine, twins, who helped me to realize that I was wrong. They were very seriously Christian, and although they had their own ideas about what was right and good, they didn't judge others poorly because of a difference of ideals or opinions. We discussed at length their religious ideals and although at first I tried to dissuade them, I came to respect their views. I encouraged them to truly pursue the matter on their own - to study without the aid of their pastor or family, to really learn it themselves and to make their own decision. As of now they're still Christian, but I know they've taken my advice to heart. If they remain Christian of their own volition I'll be behind them 100%; if they choose a different path, I'll be the first to lend them a hand to finding their own truth.
Financially things have been rough for nearly a year. I was in a bad spot when my ex-roommates were going through a divorce. I had next to no money and I had bills piling up. At times I had to go without water or power for a few days until we got money put together. It was extra tough since I had just been thrown into a situation of direct financial responsibility, one which I'd never really been in for my entire life until that point. I realized at that point that it was either sink or swim, and damned if I was going to let myself sink. I worked hard and I'm still working hard. I'm still learning, and I'm still making mistakes, but I'm learning from them. I'll be the first to admit that I fall into the same traps sometimes and that I don't watch my finances as closely as I should, but I'm still growing. I'm still learning.
Anyone who has taken the time to read all of this should be commended - or perhaps condemned. :P I want to take this final moment to thank anyone who read through it all, and I also want to thank my friends, my true friends, most of whom will never see this journal or even know that it exists. You've truly been supportive through some of the roughest times of my life, and I know that there's no way I could have made it through without having you there to lend a hand, or to offer a shoulder to cry on when I needed it. You've helped to teach me that there's a difference between a true friend, and someone that you just hang out with; for that one lesson alone, I owe you guys the world.
Peace and Love,
Val / Devik
