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Silent fears getting louder
8 years ago
I don't even know where to begin with this one... I apologize in advance if this freaks anyone out, but I just wanna state now that yes, I am fine. I just need to get this off my chest, for what help it may offer in doing so.
For a long time now, I've always been scared of thinking about things like death. I suppose it's common for people to worry about stuff like that, though. Even so, I know I'm still young, and that I shouldn't worry about that sort of thing yet. But I do. It has only gotten much worse in recent years. It's one of the main reasons I am so adamant against people taking their own lives or giving up on life. Times may be tough for some; circumstances in life or with family and loved ones causing enough pain and stress to make one cry in anguish, or the weight of the world in general becoming too much for one to bare, or perhaps the strain of expectations making one doubt if their life even has worth. Even so, I've always felt that it does more harm than good to "give up" or "run away" from it all. Life is full of many things, and though pain is one of them, it offers so much more that's worth sticking around for.
...but, as with all things, we will eventually come to an end. It's inevitable, despite our best efforts. Some of us try to cherish what we have now, while others hold dreams of "an eternity after" in our hearts. But eventually, it will end. And I'm okay with that, I suppose. That isn't what scares me.
It's what may not come afterward that terrifies me.
I don't care if I'm able to leave my footprints behind, to be remembered or judged. It won't change me being anything other than myself; someone who does their best to be kind to others and motivate them to find happiness, sharing it with those they meet. But...lately, whenever I think of "when it's my time", I lock up and feel honestly terrified. If there's a hell, and I go there, so be it. If there's a heaven, that's even better (ideally). If my existence is transferred into a new vessel, that's fine, too. Hell, even if it's just a weightless expanse of eternity alone, I'd probably be okay with that, too. But...those aren't the things I think of when I think of death. What if it's just like turning off a light switch...forever? No light. No sound. No feeling. No thought. It just...ends. No grand send-off, no parting words of wisdom, no tranquil fading. Just...nothing. Nothing.
It makes me see why so many people used to (and still do) flock to various religious followings. A promise of something after death, ya know? Even if it's talk of a dream, it's still something. But I've never been one for that sort of thing, and as much as I don't want the end to just be like unplugging a computer, I don't think I could ever really fool myself with the whole religion thing. To those of you who ARE religious, don't let my words sway you. That's not what this is about.
When I get to thinking of stuff like this, I feel a lot of things...most of which aren't good. It's difficult to find people to talk to about this stuff; people that would understand. Worse yet, it's difficult to find the courage or desire to even talk about this stuff to begin with, even just to myself. It's a deep pit to pull myself out of, too, what with how I am when it comes to emotional things. Most of the time, I just...don't know what to do when it happens. I get over it eventually, at least on the surface, but as time goes on, it's become a much more powerful concern in the back of my mind, especially when it's something that could happen at any moment.
Maybe that's why I like reading and seeing various works of science fiction that depict things like digitally storing one's consciousness into a database, or creating artificial or augmented bodies that allow people to basically live forever. It seems more feasible, and more tangible, despite sounding ridiculous or improbable. It certainly beats other possibilities, in my opinion. I think I would take the pain and grief that followed if it meant extending the inevitable or eliminating it entirely. Who knows?
For the record, I don't expect any sympathy for my words here, or any of that. I just...I guess I just wanted to express some of my thoughts and concerns, just to get them out of my mind in some small way. It makes it difficult to concentrate and do the things I want or need to do when stuff like this creeps in, lingering like a thick heavy fog on my brain. I'll probably bury this underneath happier or more interesting journals in the future, or perhaps just delete it once this funk gets out of my system. I dunno.
For a long time now, I've always been scared of thinking about things like death. I suppose it's common for people to worry about stuff like that, though. Even so, I know I'm still young, and that I shouldn't worry about that sort of thing yet. But I do. It has only gotten much worse in recent years. It's one of the main reasons I am so adamant against people taking their own lives or giving up on life. Times may be tough for some; circumstances in life or with family and loved ones causing enough pain and stress to make one cry in anguish, or the weight of the world in general becoming too much for one to bare, or perhaps the strain of expectations making one doubt if their life even has worth. Even so, I've always felt that it does more harm than good to "give up" or "run away" from it all. Life is full of many things, and though pain is one of them, it offers so much more that's worth sticking around for.
...but, as with all things, we will eventually come to an end. It's inevitable, despite our best efforts. Some of us try to cherish what we have now, while others hold dreams of "an eternity after" in our hearts. But eventually, it will end. And I'm okay with that, I suppose. That isn't what scares me.
It's what may not come afterward that terrifies me.
I don't care if I'm able to leave my footprints behind, to be remembered or judged. It won't change me being anything other than myself; someone who does their best to be kind to others and motivate them to find happiness, sharing it with those they meet. But...lately, whenever I think of "when it's my time", I lock up and feel honestly terrified. If there's a hell, and I go there, so be it. If there's a heaven, that's even better (ideally). If my existence is transferred into a new vessel, that's fine, too. Hell, even if it's just a weightless expanse of eternity alone, I'd probably be okay with that, too. But...those aren't the things I think of when I think of death. What if it's just like turning off a light switch...forever? No light. No sound. No feeling. No thought. It just...ends. No grand send-off, no parting words of wisdom, no tranquil fading. Just...nothing. Nothing.
It makes me see why so many people used to (and still do) flock to various religious followings. A promise of something after death, ya know? Even if it's talk of a dream, it's still something. But I've never been one for that sort of thing, and as much as I don't want the end to just be like unplugging a computer, I don't think I could ever really fool myself with the whole religion thing. To those of you who ARE religious, don't let my words sway you. That's not what this is about.
When I get to thinking of stuff like this, I feel a lot of things...most of which aren't good. It's difficult to find people to talk to about this stuff; people that would understand. Worse yet, it's difficult to find the courage or desire to even talk about this stuff to begin with, even just to myself. It's a deep pit to pull myself out of, too, what with how I am when it comes to emotional things. Most of the time, I just...don't know what to do when it happens. I get over it eventually, at least on the surface, but as time goes on, it's become a much more powerful concern in the back of my mind, especially when it's something that could happen at any moment.
Maybe that's why I like reading and seeing various works of science fiction that depict things like digitally storing one's consciousness into a database, or creating artificial or augmented bodies that allow people to basically live forever. It seems more feasible, and more tangible, despite sounding ridiculous or improbable. It certainly beats other possibilities, in my opinion. I think I would take the pain and grief that followed if it meant extending the inevitable or eliminating it entirely. Who knows?
For the record, I don't expect any sympathy for my words here, or any of that. I just...I guess I just wanted to express some of my thoughts and concerns, just to get them out of my mind in some small way. It makes it difficult to concentrate and do the things I want or need to do when stuff like this creeps in, lingering like a thick heavy fog on my brain. I'll probably bury this underneath happier or more interesting journals in the future, or perhaps just delete it once this funk gets out of my system. I dunno.
The storage of digital conscious is always an interesting concept in science fiction, but currently the only way that would work as depicted in most of science fiction is that a copy of your consciousness would be stored, and they would live on after you leave. Otherwise you'd have a brain-in-a-jar scenario, and that is the more difficult of the two.
I, personally, have a positive nihilistic outlook on life. Even if there is no life after death, I will do the best I can in life to make my mark, and be known for as long as possible. When the eventual time comes, I will charge into the void screaming the names of the people I love.
Well, that's easy. Even after 'you' are dead, there's still plenty of life in your body. The individual cells linger for a bit longer, consuming the last remaining oxygen and nutrients left in your system. Bacteria and other micro-organisms that live in the body still thrive. And without your body's processes keeping them limited, they take over, beginning the process of decay. The mass and stored energy in what used to be your body goes on to feed countless other lives. Eventually, the body fully breaks down, providing vital nutrients to the soil, where plants and other organisms can grow.
The energy that you've been consuming from the universe inevitably returns to it. Our short, fleeting existence is more of a rental, rather than anything that truly belongs to us.