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Exam stress feelings that build up
8 years ago
General
A really harsh exam is on Monday, one that I failed last year and caused me to fail 2 classes after it because of the retarded way retakes are planned in for this minor. The retakes are 3 weeks after the original exam which is right before the exam of the class I'm following at that time. So right now it's either I make it or I have no chance at succeeding later.
I've already been through it once and it's making me go mad now having to do it again knowing all bad things that will happen if I fail.
This exam, it's making my blood boil. it's making my body shake apart. I want it to die. It makes me hate everyone I see, seeming like they are doing way better than me. Why can they be happy and must I suffer? I hate this inequality!
Apparently not being able to turn your fight or flight syndrome off makes you age faster, something I really don't need. I wish I could stop it, but it will only stop when the exam isdead over.
Something I wrote yesterday as result of the exam stress and anxiety, I need this out somewhere:
People always expect more than I'm capable of. This is why I give up.
Whenever someone tells me I should look at even more, do even more than I realize that no matter what I do people will continue to expect more of me. What's even the point of trying when no one is ever satisfied. It only drains me until it starts to damage me physically and mentally.
This is how I've been treated as a child as my parents never seemed happy with me, I felt more punishment than confirmation of successes. Punishment for failure became more of the norm, while being noticed for things that went well became rare and eventually started feeling more like a lie when it did happen. No matter what I did succeed at it was never enough. So by time I myself became more aware of things I failed at where succeeding at something had become more of a neutral thing, something that's expected from the start and nothing to be praised for. I can't even praise myself for it.
Now when someone in some way expresses that they are happy with what I did I just don't know how to react to it. First of I think of it as a lie, because sarcasm is a thing and it's something I find hard to notice. Everything is expected from me from the start so it also feels like a way that someone tries to deceive me. That they again expect more from me.
I tend to thank people for when they say they are happy with whatever thing I did but merely to be polite.
I just don't want to build a negative relationship with someone I stand neutral with from the start. Better neutral or unknown than negative.
It's still hard for me to consider succeses as part of my life where the things that go wrong are more noticable.
A fear builds up for whatever could go wrong for whatever way people might find to punish me again and again.
I try to play it nice but I don't know if I can remember when I was ever truly happy.
I just try to work harder and harder until hopefully I get at this ideal point where maybe I might become happy with my life. But I wonder if that time will ever come at all.
Maybe I'm just grinding myself into the ground and everything I do is for nothing.
I've already been through it once and it's making me go mad now having to do it again knowing all bad things that will happen if I fail.
This exam, it's making my blood boil. it's making my body shake apart. I want it to die. It makes me hate everyone I see, seeming like they are doing way better than me. Why can they be happy and must I suffer? I hate this inequality!
Apparently not being able to turn your fight or flight syndrome off makes you age faster, something I really don't need. I wish I could stop it, but it will only stop when the exam is
Something I wrote yesterday as result of the exam stress and anxiety, I need this out somewhere:
People always expect more than I'm capable of. This is why I give up.
Whenever someone tells me I should look at even more, do even more than I realize that no matter what I do people will continue to expect more of me. What's even the point of trying when no one is ever satisfied. It only drains me until it starts to damage me physically and mentally.
This is how I've been treated as a child as my parents never seemed happy with me, I felt more punishment than confirmation of successes. Punishment for failure became more of the norm, while being noticed for things that went well became rare and eventually started feeling more like a lie when it did happen. No matter what I did succeed at it was never enough. So by time I myself became more aware of things I failed at where succeeding at something had become more of a neutral thing, something that's expected from the start and nothing to be praised for. I can't even praise myself for it.
Now when someone in some way expresses that they are happy with what I did I just don't know how to react to it. First of I think of it as a lie, because sarcasm is a thing and it's something I find hard to notice. Everything is expected from me from the start so it also feels like a way that someone tries to deceive me. That they again expect more from me.
I tend to thank people for when they say they are happy with whatever thing I did but merely to be polite.
I just don't want to build a negative relationship with someone I stand neutral with from the start. Better neutral or unknown than negative.
It's still hard for me to consider succeses as part of my life where the things that go wrong are more noticable.
A fear builds up for whatever could go wrong for whatever way people might find to punish me again and again.
I try to play it nice but I don't know if I can remember when I was ever truly happy.
I just try to work harder and harder until hopefully I get at this ideal point where maybe I might become happy with my life. But I wonder if that time will ever come at all.
Maybe I'm just grinding myself into the ground and everything I do is for nothing.
I feel this as well, like what is the point of doing this if I'm not as good as everyone else is..?
Even if you try your absolute hardest in things and try to make people happy with all of your might, but then you still fall. Life is not cool.You learn pretty quickly that you can't be perfect in this life, and not everyone is going to school-loving, A+ genius. People always try to tell you to do this, but its very.. common and mainstream. I do not enjoy the pressure of exams, as they just feel if as they are.. just a waste of time if "measure" your level of greatness or mental capability to succeed in life. I'm starting to jumble up my words a bit, but that's how I feel about it. I always try to tell others to do you at your own pace. Don't waste your time trying to please people 24/7, its hard to do but in the end if they don't smile a bit at your efforts, then.. yeah.
Sorry for rambling nonsense. I tried to cohere this.