FA+
Shop
Ranting tiger...
8 years ago
Almost one year... that's 365 days or 8,760 hours or 525,600... you know fuck it, who cares about the break down...
It's been almost one year since the most amazing person left my life as a partner, though we are still friends and there are no hard feelings, though the loneliness has been setting in, and is now taking hold.
It's been like a darkness coming over me, just waiting for the right time to finish consuming me and I fear that it may be close to finishing what it started.
I am having more bad days than good ones and even when the good ones happen, they are mostly short lived as anything can turn them sour.
I feel and fear my kids are starting to hate me, cause I am too strict or I tell them bad news or cause I can't be around all the time... it is a horrific pain when I have to leave them after a weekend, knowing if anything bad happens I won't be there to pick them up or help them.
I have almost given up on trying to find someone to share my life with, to help me complete my family, who I can come home to and have a great big hug from that will melt away the days stress.
I have found myself continuing to let others treat my body as their sexual playground, it feels like it's the only thing I am good at.
My job feels like it is digging my grave, each day my stress level grows, my mental health weakens and because we have hit the busy time, I can not take my holidays I am entitled too, because apparently the needs of the business are more important than the entitlement of an employee.
I have had a few nights recently where I have cried myself to sleep, why you ask... I wish I fucking knew. Then once I am asleep I am haunted and played by nightmares, things that are memories of something that happened on that day my life changed.
I have been looking at my scar recently, thinking why didn't I just finish the job, many people would be happier and certainly many people wouldn't have had their hearts broken by me...
I know people say I am a nice guy and blah blah shit shite like that, but honestly I am not, I only seem nice because society runs on this thing of be nice and reap the rewards, so I be nice and get pushed to the side, ignored, abused, raped... And for what some random person to maybe say thank you for my being nice... under the nice that you see is a darkness festering and waiting for its time again.
So here you are again, there was millions of possibilities of choices you have made up to this point and you are reading the ranting of an old tiger, a one where his depression controls most of his life...
Kenai out
It's been almost one year since the most amazing person left my life as a partner, though we are still friends and there are no hard feelings, though the loneliness has been setting in, and is now taking hold.
It's been like a darkness coming over me, just waiting for the right time to finish consuming me and I fear that it may be close to finishing what it started.
I am having more bad days than good ones and even when the good ones happen, they are mostly short lived as anything can turn them sour.
I feel and fear my kids are starting to hate me, cause I am too strict or I tell them bad news or cause I can't be around all the time... it is a horrific pain when I have to leave them after a weekend, knowing if anything bad happens I won't be there to pick them up or help them.
I have almost given up on trying to find someone to share my life with, to help me complete my family, who I can come home to and have a great big hug from that will melt away the days stress.
I have found myself continuing to let others treat my body as their sexual playground, it feels like it's the only thing I am good at.
My job feels like it is digging my grave, each day my stress level grows, my mental health weakens and because we have hit the busy time, I can not take my holidays I am entitled too, because apparently the needs of the business are more important than the entitlement of an employee.
I have had a few nights recently where I have cried myself to sleep, why you ask... I wish I fucking knew. Then once I am asleep I am haunted and played by nightmares, things that are memories of something that happened on that day my life changed.
I have been looking at my scar recently, thinking why didn't I just finish the job, many people would be happier and certainly many people wouldn't have had their hearts broken by me...
I know people say I am a nice guy and blah blah shit shite like that, but honestly I am not, I only seem nice because society runs on this thing of be nice and reap the rewards, so I be nice and get pushed to the side, ignored, abused, raped... And for what some random person to maybe say thank you for my being nice... under the nice that you see is a darkness festering and waiting for its time again.
So here you are again, there was millions of possibilities of choices you have made up to this point and you are reading the ranting of an old tiger, a one where his depression controls most of his life...
Kenai out
You are so much more than that my friend and mean more to people than you can ever know. I wish there was some way I could convince you of that but all I have are words and I just hope they are enough.
Don't give up on finding someone, the right guy may be elusive but odds are you will find them where least expected.
As for work, keep looking outside your current business, you might find something better and less stressful, especially with your level of IT skills/knowledge. (For example I know that's a skillset they are desperate for in most civil service jobs)
Just keep in mind that no mater how alone you may feel, you have friends who care about you deeply and are here for you when you need us, be that practical help or just emotional support (with all the hugs)
I hope that helps bud.