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Im okay, but im not alright
8 years ago
General
so yeah, for those who noticed i vanished, not just disabled accounts like before, i full on removed everyone from my IM type things like Steam and Discord. And ill be honest, i have no idea what I'm doing anymore.
The short story is, my depression is winning, I'm in a spiral beyond which ive been in before, my health continues to deteriorate and im in, in essence, a sort of auto pilot, i sleep, i work, nothing more.
I removed everyone because i convinced myself that's how its meant to be, that I'm to be alone through my own doing, this to me was proven by the fact that im not that sociable, that noone really messages me and even though ive done my best over the past few months to be more sociable to be the one to message others to evoke a conversation its always felt like those i message would rather i didn't.
Then there's this thing i know i do where when i feel crap or jealous or sour or whatever i want to make others feel bad about it, which isn't right nor is it fair, another reason then to stay way from others for you do not deserve to be made to feel crap just because i do.
my life is crap because ive allowed the bad things out of my control bring me down leading to a lack of motivation to deal with and change the things that are within my control. I have an overriding sense that this is the best i can be, this lack luster no skilled dead end job having waste of flesh is it, ive topped out, so my thoughts dwell on why should i continue on? All i do is earn just enough money to exist whilst others that i know have gone to beautiful areas of the world, have gone and got the job they wanted, bought themselves a nice home with a family. All things that by rights i could do but i just cant. I cant explain why i cant, the thoughts and wants are there but i just cant bring myself to do it. Much like many depression i guess "memes" where you see the person say "ima do a thing" then theres a shadow thats in the ear whispering "no you cant" That is VERY VERY much like how it is.
I dont know what to do, i have no idea what im doing, i know i should go talk to my Dr more but i was so proud that i got off my Anti depressants i feel im letting myself down if i go back on them. i did go to CBT Therapy but i didnt feel it was what i needed, at least not right now.
So yeah..thats that. ill likly disable this account again once the Cooldown is up but i guess i wanted those who might wonder to know what was going on.
The short story is, my depression is winning, I'm in a spiral beyond which ive been in before, my health continues to deteriorate and im in, in essence, a sort of auto pilot, i sleep, i work, nothing more.
I removed everyone because i convinced myself that's how its meant to be, that I'm to be alone through my own doing, this to me was proven by the fact that im not that sociable, that noone really messages me and even though ive done my best over the past few months to be more sociable to be the one to message others to evoke a conversation its always felt like those i message would rather i didn't.
Then there's this thing i know i do where when i feel crap or jealous or sour or whatever i want to make others feel bad about it, which isn't right nor is it fair, another reason then to stay way from others for you do not deserve to be made to feel crap just because i do.
my life is crap because ive allowed the bad things out of my control bring me down leading to a lack of motivation to deal with and change the things that are within my control. I have an overriding sense that this is the best i can be, this lack luster no skilled dead end job having waste of flesh is it, ive topped out, so my thoughts dwell on why should i continue on? All i do is earn just enough money to exist whilst others that i know have gone to beautiful areas of the world, have gone and got the job they wanted, bought themselves a nice home with a family. All things that by rights i could do but i just cant. I cant explain why i cant, the thoughts and wants are there but i just cant bring myself to do it. Much like many depression i guess "memes" where you see the person say "ima do a thing" then theres a shadow thats in the ear whispering "no you cant" That is VERY VERY much like how it is.
I dont know what to do, i have no idea what im doing, i know i should go talk to my Dr more but i was so proud that i got off my Anti depressants i feel im letting myself down if i go back on them. i did go to CBT Therapy but i didnt feel it was what i needed, at least not right now.
So yeah..thats that. ill likly disable this account again once the Cooldown is up but i guess i wanted those who might wonder to know what was going on.
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