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I need to chill and relax more often
8 years ago
I'm typing on my laptop and have 22% battery remaining. So lets make this brief. Or not so brief and I'll just type up a novel really quickly.
I spent a lot of my time tonight thinking about the past. I don't really do that too often. Most of my time this past year I've been stuck in the present - anxiety and stress about starting a business has anchored me here. But tonight I let my mind drift to the past and everything I have been through since joining the fandom - basically everything since starting my adult life. I took a lot of time remembering in detail many of the key events that have led me here. And I have concluded that I have really had a good life. I have some really good memories. And allowing myself to travel back to those times ended up being a therapeutic experience that has put me in a very chill, relaxed mood.
I'm going to try not to talk about my business during this journal. Also, this is for me - just going to be upfront with that. If you are reading this, I do appreciate it, but the goal of this is to put down my thoughts and get them out of my head. They aren't doing anybody any good up there.
My life currently is very hard. My passion for what I'm doing is driving me forward, hoping that if enough people see that passion, my fursuit business will succeed (this is the only moment I'm bringing up business). That last sentence is for context. Life is hard because I'm willing to live in an uncomfortable spot in the present because I'm stubborn and passionate. If I wasn't passionate about this, I would get a different job and would probably be living more comfortably. But I feel like I have to shoot for my dreams. I just.. have to. I believe years from now, if I make it through this, I'll probably end up thinking back to this - the humble beginnings of my dream. And I think I will laugh off how difficult things were, and remember fondly working side by side with my boyfriend, creating works of art. I think I'll remember having a bunch of our fursuits at the MNFurs Fall Picnic this year and remembering the feeling of seeing the people who own the fursuits having fun and making a difference, and the times where I got choked up seeing Clover, one of our rabbits, playing with the kids, wear I struggled to keep it together since crying in public is not something I like to be seen doing. Maybe I'll remember back to one of our first commissions - and the story our commissioner told us of her first convention fursuiting and the running into a random family of a kid going through heart surgery.
I feel major amounts of anxiety every day. And there are days I worry that my dream and the dream of my boyfriend won't gain enough support fast enough to make it off the ground. There are days I worry for the future and that I'm going to be forced back to corporate America. There's days where I feel frustration for what others have that I do not. I have days where that voice in my head says, "Aerak, you can't..", and I remind myself, I've been having that voice in my head all my life, and I refuse to listen to it. That voice says I can't but I do it anyway. Because, screw that voice - I have become a public figure, and I have done interviews with the media, I have organized events, I have helped negotiate contracts for conventions, and I have become the president of a non profit organization. I have done all of those things regardless of any voice in my head saying, I can't.
I have days of anxiety, but I have days of exuberance, of passion, of seeing a project come together, or seeing people I care about happy. Of finding new people to care about who I didn't know before. Of meeting new life long friends. In the end, we all of good days and bad, but it's up to everyone of us how we choose to deal with it and how we choose to live.
I spent a lot of my time tonight thinking about the past.I thought about Alkora and I working our butts off to make a couple of bunny fursuits for a holiday party. We had so much fun fursuiting there. Someone even drew us gift art of our bunnies. We have no idea who did the art, but we still have it, framed and in our bedroom dresser. I remember back to driving through a blizzard to get to the south metro for a weekend long board retreat. It took me two hours to drive someplace that would take me 20 minutes any other day. I met the other board members at Ikea for dinner and had Salmon Lasagna - which btw was amazing and weird. Why would you put salmon in lasagna? Crazy Swedish people. I remember driving to our hotel afterwards. And of sitting in the lobby and reading a book. I even remember the book. I remember so many memories. There was one time I was going to the movies to meet up with a bunch of random furries. I had to drive from work and pickup Alkora first and drop him off at the apartment. I was so frustrated that I had to pick him up because I feared being late for the movie. But I wasn't late. Made it to the mall next to the theater, super early. I bought a peacoat at JCPenny because it was Fall and starting to get cold and I didn't bring a jacket. I went to the food court afterwards and met up with friends, new and old, and then after a lovely meal of orange chicken loaded with an insane amount of chinese mustard (which I really have a craving for right now), we went to see the movie. I also remember all the times my boyfriend was at art school late into the evenings and I'd stop at a cozy, gay friendly coffee shop for hours and would read while waiting for him. Wilde Roast. Good place. They are much more successful now and moved into a gigantic location, but it just isn't the same as the old location.
I have all these random, vivid memories flooding back and I realize that overall, my life has been really good. I don't remember too much bad - there was of course, but the good always made up for it. However, there is one thing that looking back has shown me. There was a point in my life where I was making a lot of money. I had an entertainment budget of around $60 each day that I could just throw away. And I did. Alkora and I ate out at fancy restaurants daily, multiple times a day. If I had something I wanted to buy, I bought it. And now I look back, now that I'm living on a budget, and I think to myself how wasteful it all was. I could have lived more moderately and could have invested the extra money into a house or something. Or just saved a bunch of it up for a rainy day. But I didn't. And looking back, that aspect of my past seems fairly ridiculous. Right now, this month, October, I don't even have an entertainment budget. I have -zero-. Three commissioners we were expecting to come in for November all pulled out. For a fledgling business, this sucks. But my point isn't, oh whoa is me, but rather... take a look at the things in life that really matter. All that money I blew eating out all the time, and driving around in a fancy car that was burning a hole in my pocket, I could have used to help people. I could have donated some of it. I could have invested in artists I cared about. I could have made things better for my friends and family.
Hindsight is 20/20. The past is a great teacher. Moving forward, I want to spend wisely and invest in my dreams. I want to share my passion for my dreams with everyone around me. I want to help people and help to make people happy. And I want to not be anxious. I want to believe that I'm trying my hardest, and as long as Alkora and I keep trying our hardest, there's no need to worry because everything will work out fine.
I spent a lot of my time tonight thinking about the past. I don't really do that too often. Most of my time this past year I've been stuck in the present - anxiety and stress about starting a business has anchored me here. But tonight I let my mind drift to the past and everything I have been through since joining the fandom - basically everything since starting my adult life. I took a lot of time remembering in detail many of the key events that have led me here. And I have concluded that I have really had a good life. I have some really good memories. And allowing myself to travel back to those times ended up being a therapeutic experience that has put me in a very chill, relaxed mood.
I'm going to try not to talk about my business during this journal. Also, this is for me - just going to be upfront with that. If you are reading this, I do appreciate it, but the goal of this is to put down my thoughts and get them out of my head. They aren't doing anybody any good up there.
My life currently is very hard. My passion for what I'm doing is driving me forward, hoping that if enough people see that passion, my fursuit business will succeed (this is the only moment I'm bringing up business). That last sentence is for context. Life is hard because I'm willing to live in an uncomfortable spot in the present because I'm stubborn and passionate. If I wasn't passionate about this, I would get a different job and would probably be living more comfortably. But I feel like I have to shoot for my dreams. I just.. have to. I believe years from now, if I make it through this, I'll probably end up thinking back to this - the humble beginnings of my dream. And I think I will laugh off how difficult things were, and remember fondly working side by side with my boyfriend, creating works of art. I think I'll remember having a bunch of our fursuits at the MNFurs Fall Picnic this year and remembering the feeling of seeing the people who own the fursuits having fun and making a difference, and the times where I got choked up seeing Clover, one of our rabbits, playing with the kids, wear I struggled to keep it together since crying in public is not something I like to be seen doing. Maybe I'll remember back to one of our first commissions - and the story our commissioner told us of her first convention fursuiting and the running into a random family of a kid going through heart surgery.
I feel major amounts of anxiety every day. And there are days I worry that my dream and the dream of my boyfriend won't gain enough support fast enough to make it off the ground. There are days I worry for the future and that I'm going to be forced back to corporate America. There's days where I feel frustration for what others have that I do not. I have days where that voice in my head says, "Aerak, you can't..", and I remind myself, I've been having that voice in my head all my life, and I refuse to listen to it. That voice says I can't but I do it anyway. Because, screw that voice - I have become a public figure, and I have done interviews with the media, I have organized events, I have helped negotiate contracts for conventions, and I have become the president of a non profit organization. I have done all of those things regardless of any voice in my head saying, I can't.
I have days of anxiety, but I have days of exuberance, of passion, of seeing a project come together, or seeing people I care about happy. Of finding new people to care about who I didn't know before. Of meeting new life long friends. In the end, we all of good days and bad, but it's up to everyone of us how we choose to deal with it and how we choose to live.
I spent a lot of my time tonight thinking about the past.I thought about Alkora and I working our butts off to make a couple of bunny fursuits for a holiday party. We had so much fun fursuiting there. Someone even drew us gift art of our bunnies. We have no idea who did the art, but we still have it, framed and in our bedroom dresser. I remember back to driving through a blizzard to get to the south metro for a weekend long board retreat. It took me two hours to drive someplace that would take me 20 minutes any other day. I met the other board members at Ikea for dinner and had Salmon Lasagna - which btw was amazing and weird. Why would you put salmon in lasagna? Crazy Swedish people. I remember driving to our hotel afterwards. And of sitting in the lobby and reading a book. I even remember the book. I remember so many memories. There was one time I was going to the movies to meet up with a bunch of random furries. I had to drive from work and pickup Alkora first and drop him off at the apartment. I was so frustrated that I had to pick him up because I feared being late for the movie. But I wasn't late. Made it to the mall next to the theater, super early. I bought a peacoat at JCPenny because it was Fall and starting to get cold and I didn't bring a jacket. I went to the food court afterwards and met up with friends, new and old, and then after a lovely meal of orange chicken loaded with an insane amount of chinese mustard (which I really have a craving for right now), we went to see the movie. I also remember all the times my boyfriend was at art school late into the evenings and I'd stop at a cozy, gay friendly coffee shop for hours and would read while waiting for him. Wilde Roast. Good place. They are much more successful now and moved into a gigantic location, but it just isn't the same as the old location.
I have all these random, vivid memories flooding back and I realize that overall, my life has been really good. I don't remember too much bad - there was of course, but the good always made up for it. However, there is one thing that looking back has shown me. There was a point in my life where I was making a lot of money. I had an entertainment budget of around $60 each day that I could just throw away. And I did. Alkora and I ate out at fancy restaurants daily, multiple times a day. If I had something I wanted to buy, I bought it. And now I look back, now that I'm living on a budget, and I think to myself how wasteful it all was. I could have lived more moderately and could have invested the extra money into a house or something. Or just saved a bunch of it up for a rainy day. But I didn't. And looking back, that aspect of my past seems fairly ridiculous. Right now, this month, October, I don't even have an entertainment budget. I have -zero-. Three commissioners we were expecting to come in for November all pulled out. For a fledgling business, this sucks. But my point isn't, oh whoa is me, but rather... take a look at the things in life that really matter. All that money I blew eating out all the time, and driving around in a fancy car that was burning a hole in my pocket, I could have used to help people. I could have donated some of it. I could have invested in artists I cared about. I could have made things better for my friends and family.
Hindsight is 20/20. The past is a great teacher. Moving forward, I want to spend wisely and invest in my dreams. I want to share my passion for my dreams with everyone around me. I want to help people and help to make people happy. And I want to not be anxious. I want to believe that I'm trying my hardest, and as long as Alkora and I keep trying our hardest, there's no need to worry because everything will work out fine.
The fall picnic was really fun for me this year. It allowed me to just go with the flow and to not let anxiety get the best of me like it did back at Migration, mostly since it was my first ever fur con.
My ultimate goal in this fandom and as a fursuiter is to make people happy. Because when others are happy, I am happy. It brings a tear to my eye to know that I'm making a difference to someone, inside the fandom or out. And you are one of those people. If it weren't for you, Alkora, Jace, and many others within the fandom and local community; I probably wouldn't be where I'm at today, and I am thankful for who I am now.
And for that I say, thank you. :) Your hard work and dedication has helped shaped me into who I am today. And remember, I am always here for you. DMs are always open. You know how to reach me.
Take care! :3
Were all facing it, I had thoughts myself about my goals and dreams, be with people I care about...people I want to see. The world can be tough I know, I live alone it can be tough to not have anyone.
I know you for long time now, your very talent wolf and alkora, you guys are doing it already. Just keep at it, but make sure you guys rest that's imported. I'm trying to sleep better myself so I can stay focus.
I wish I was closer, but I'm sending my thoughts and prays to you guys up there. Keep at it bud, your doing great and if this helps, I haven't about you guys, I think about you guys from time to time.
Keep up the hard work and what ever you do....don't let go...don't let go of your dreams. Reach for it..
*hugs*