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8 years ago
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Few updates because all I do is fave stuff on FA. Been getting more active on telegram and following the Fur What It's Worth podcast: http://www.furwhatitsworth.com/
I've gotten into audiobooks, I'd recommend listening to the Harry Potter series, it's amazingly well produced/acted. Also would recommend the "Night Angel" series (by Brent Weeks) and "Openly Straight".
Been trying to be more open about my sexuality and gender identity as well as trying to figure out what the hell those things are so I can participate more in the LGBTQ+ community. I've been married and have two great kids, but I'm realizing more and more that I need support and need to be helping others who have struggled with their identity. It seems to me that the first step is being open about yourself, then people feel safer about coming out to you. I was honored to be one of the first people one of my good friends came out to about being genderfluid and I have the fact that I was open about my boyfriend when we first met to thank for that.
Might hit up MFF this year, haven't been since 2006...damn, it's been a while.
Other goals are trying to make sexualities that aren't based on gender (including kinks and fetishes) more visible, normalized, and included in LGBTQ+ discourse and representation. I'd love to get a Masters degree in Gender and Sexuality studies, but that seems a bit out of reach.
Still trying to figure out what the hell to do with my identities, most recently reflecting on potentially considering myself agender. Reflecting on myself historically, I remember specific times, in high school and before, when I thought to myself in an empowering way "I am me first, not male" and remember considering myself androgynous in identity. I'm thinking back and I always knew I outwardly appeared as male, but never felt male, something else attempting to fit that appearance just to not draw too much attention. At the same time, I always rejected what I thought of as predominantly male traits: dominance, control, aggression, competitiveness, brute strength, etc. I even considered myself to be protecting my female friends (most of my friends through grade school were female) from the males around them. I was always averse to changing my appearance very much, just doing what would allow me to blend in and not attract attention. I've always been a sidelines person, watching and thinking on everything. Back when I was actively gaining weight, I loved that I had a more feminine/androgynous figure; bigger hips and butt, bigger chest, and narrower shoulders. It was the only time in my life that I ever actually felt confident enough with my body to feel sexy, as an object of desire. No matter how many compliments I get now that I've lost weight, I just don't feel them, I feel like I'm not in my appearance anymore. I'm not too bothered by it, more annoyed than anything, maybe because I've always been okay to just leave my outward appearance as something that doesn't attract attention or identify me as an "other". Being a more conventional weight makes me feel less self-conscious because I get less attention, BUT I also miss the attention for my appearance. Now I wish I'd been willing/able to find clothes that matched my figure better at that time, regardless of what gender they were supposedly for. I have to laugh at myself for being against much of the feminine fashion, which is based on appearance rather than functionality and comfort, because I think that might be why I've never really had much interest in dressing up in overtly feminine clothes. I think it might be nice to wear more form fitting clothes though, some low cut tight jeans and tighter shirts, maybe with some "feminine" elements to them, like missing shoulders or slightly different cuts. I do have a feeling I'd toss them away pretty fast due to lack of comfort though. Another thought I just had (actual shower thought even) was that maybe I have avoided wearing slacks and very formal attire on a more regular basis because it makes me feel less comfortable about my body because it's more specifically masculine. When I wear clothes, I think part of the image of myself in my head is of a non-male or female (just because we have such a strong gender dichotomy) wearing less flattering, more practical clothes that have a slightly more masculine look to them just because womens clothing tends not to prioritize those things. I have been uncomfortable with wearing clothes meant for females, but I think it's more related to not wanting to stand out. I wonder how I'd have done things up to this point if society was different and we didn't have such strong gender norms and males didn't police their own gender as much. I always felt crushed by that, made me just want to hide, I knew performing the male gender involved me just hiding everything away. Even now I feel odd when people separate into male and female groups, because I tend to prefer conversations with women over men, maybe because I can talk more freely and about more topics because I feel like the men spot me as being too different right away. I was invited to join the mens group at church as well and have very mixed feelings about it for that reason. My wife called me on it and said that even if I didn't experience what many men did and don't really fit with them, I still have male privilege and don't face what she and other women do. I love that she is so frank about things, one of the many things I love about her. Strong and assertive women are the best! I also mentioned it to a friend who is trans and they suggested going and just throwing some topic in there that challenges gender norms. That does sound fun and I hope that at least the Unitarian Universalist men are open minded enough to have a good conversation.
Well, reflection time is over, mostly because I've stayed up WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too late. I sincerely doubt anyone else will ever read this, but it was a good way to vent and might be useful later if I work on writing a narrative relating to my struggles with gender identity. Even saying it that way sounds so convoluted...This is different from being fully transgender, I'm sure, but I can absolutely sympathize with the struggles.
I've gotten into audiobooks, I'd recommend listening to the Harry Potter series, it's amazingly well produced/acted. Also would recommend the "Night Angel" series (by Brent Weeks) and "Openly Straight".
Been trying to be more open about my sexuality and gender identity as well as trying to figure out what the hell those things are so I can participate more in the LGBTQ+ community. I've been married and have two great kids, but I'm realizing more and more that I need support and need to be helping others who have struggled with their identity. It seems to me that the first step is being open about yourself, then people feel safer about coming out to you. I was honored to be one of the first people one of my good friends came out to about being genderfluid and I have the fact that I was open about my boyfriend when we first met to thank for that.
Might hit up MFF this year, haven't been since 2006...damn, it's been a while.
Other goals are trying to make sexualities that aren't based on gender (including kinks and fetishes) more visible, normalized, and included in LGBTQ+ discourse and representation. I'd love to get a Masters degree in Gender and Sexuality studies, but that seems a bit out of reach.
Still trying to figure out what the hell to do with my identities, most recently reflecting on potentially considering myself agender. Reflecting on myself historically, I remember specific times, in high school and before, when I thought to myself in an empowering way "I am me first, not male" and remember considering myself androgynous in identity. I'm thinking back and I always knew I outwardly appeared as male, but never felt male, something else attempting to fit that appearance just to not draw too much attention. At the same time, I always rejected what I thought of as predominantly male traits: dominance, control, aggression, competitiveness, brute strength, etc. I even considered myself to be protecting my female friends (most of my friends through grade school were female) from the males around them. I was always averse to changing my appearance very much, just doing what would allow me to blend in and not attract attention. I've always been a sidelines person, watching and thinking on everything. Back when I was actively gaining weight, I loved that I had a more feminine/androgynous figure; bigger hips and butt, bigger chest, and narrower shoulders. It was the only time in my life that I ever actually felt confident enough with my body to feel sexy, as an object of desire. No matter how many compliments I get now that I've lost weight, I just don't feel them, I feel like I'm not in my appearance anymore. I'm not too bothered by it, more annoyed than anything, maybe because I've always been okay to just leave my outward appearance as something that doesn't attract attention or identify me as an "other". Being a more conventional weight makes me feel less self-conscious because I get less attention, BUT I also miss the attention for my appearance. Now I wish I'd been willing/able to find clothes that matched my figure better at that time, regardless of what gender they were supposedly for. I have to laugh at myself for being against much of the feminine fashion, which is based on appearance rather than functionality and comfort, because I think that might be why I've never really had much interest in dressing up in overtly feminine clothes. I think it might be nice to wear more form fitting clothes though, some low cut tight jeans and tighter shirts, maybe with some "feminine" elements to them, like missing shoulders or slightly different cuts. I do have a feeling I'd toss them away pretty fast due to lack of comfort though. Another thought I just had (actual shower thought even) was that maybe I have avoided wearing slacks and very formal attire on a more regular basis because it makes me feel less comfortable about my body because it's more specifically masculine. When I wear clothes, I think part of the image of myself in my head is of a non-male or female (just because we have such a strong gender dichotomy) wearing less flattering, more practical clothes that have a slightly more masculine look to them just because womens clothing tends not to prioritize those things. I have been uncomfortable with wearing clothes meant for females, but I think it's more related to not wanting to stand out. I wonder how I'd have done things up to this point if society was different and we didn't have such strong gender norms and males didn't police their own gender as much. I always felt crushed by that, made me just want to hide, I knew performing the male gender involved me just hiding everything away. Even now I feel odd when people separate into male and female groups, because I tend to prefer conversations with women over men, maybe because I can talk more freely and about more topics because I feel like the men spot me as being too different right away. I was invited to join the mens group at church as well and have very mixed feelings about it for that reason. My wife called me on it and said that even if I didn't experience what many men did and don't really fit with them, I still have male privilege and don't face what she and other women do. I love that she is so frank about things, one of the many things I love about her. Strong and assertive women are the best! I also mentioned it to a friend who is trans and they suggested going and just throwing some topic in there that challenges gender norms. That does sound fun and I hope that at least the Unitarian Universalist men are open minded enough to have a good conversation.
Well, reflection time is over, mostly because I've stayed up WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY too late. I sincerely doubt anyone else will ever read this, but it was a good way to vent and might be useful later if I work on writing a narrative relating to my struggles with gender identity. Even saying it that way sounds so convoluted...This is different from being fully transgender, I'm sure, but I can absolutely sympathize with the struggles.
