(Warning: This is very upsetting at parts. Don't read it if it'll ruin your mood. I hate being an arse and ruining people's happiness.)

I don't like bringing up my personal feelings often, because I feel like I'm being an attention whore, but I have to say this for clarity.

I've gotten so depressed I'm having a hard time finishing work and the stuff that's been going on in my household lately isn't helping.
I need my Wi-Fi to work and without it, I feel like an empty shell. I sit in my room for long periods of time or stand around, pacing back and forth, talking about various things, as I'm so distracted and physically drained from doing any form of long physical work (i.e. finishing work, chores, etc.)
I'm not trying to sound like a spoiled child, but I need my internet. It kept me working. I'm very annoyed and disappointed that my only family member with constant internet uses it to spoil her mind with silly conspiracy theories and other nonsense.

I've taken WAY too long to finish people's commissions, requests, and gift art. It takes me a day (appro. anywhere from 3-8 hours) at the most to draw and color them in (I've done it before, so I know) and I've spent DAYS without finishing anything. I believe this is due to the fact I'm up at a time at which I can't work (daytime) and I feel drained doing work at this time, because there's too many distractions (my mother constantly pestering over something trivial, can distract me for HOURS). I work very efficiently in the graveyard hours of the morning, especially when I'm exhausted. Being up at this time is problematic and I'm not sure why outside of the reason I stated above. I know my mom doesn't mean any harm, but I keep telling her not to bother me and she does it anyway and it's very frustrating. I can't work in my room, as I have no space for it. I have no choice but the be downstairs around her in the daytime, so I can go to the Kroc Center, which I despise doing, to use the internet for a FRACTION of the time I normally need online. The internet is my life, basically. I need it for everything, basically and without it, I just can't function. I have no one I can go to for this, before it's suggested. I have no insurance right now and can't go to a doctor/dentist/anyone. I'm waiting for it to come back, but it looks unlikely. I might need medicine to balance out my mood and energy, but this isn't normal.

In other news, I fear my health, for multiple reasons and I'm trying to push myself to work, but I can't work. It's a constant push and pull with myself. I want to finish people's work just in case. I'm trying to get help, but my other half of the family can't seem to cooperate with me and I assume the worse. I try not to think about it, because the pain and headaches I receive from it keep reminding me. I'm not sure of some of the pain is from my depression or what. I know where the headaches are from, though. It often keeps me up at night, where I can't sleep, and that's not helping with my mood in the morning. Then, I have to deal with "YOU WANT TO BE UPSET ALL OF THE TIME" comments. I hate being upset. I want to be happy. But, I can't. I don't know anymore.

It's to the point where I want to give up on art and just lay in my bed all of the time. But, I know I can't, because there's always something I want to draw and I can't disappoint myself and my watchers. I wish I understood my own emotions better, so I could handle them.
I also wish I wasn't such a perfectionist. People get by just fine with sketchy artwork and everyone loves it. I feel the need to have my art be as flawless as possible and because I think that way, I take a lot longer than I should finishing it. I mean, my personal art. For some reason, I draw art for other people BETTER than my own art. I think this also why I'm disappointed in myself at times. I don't know. I'm just very miserable at times and I wish I could be like my younger self again. Having fun drawing stuff for people and they like it and I feel accomplished.

I'm sorry for being so depressing. You can just disregard this whole journal. I just wanted to vent.
I'll push myself to finish stuff, because you guys will like it anyway. I shouldn't care anymore.
In the end, it doesn't matter. My art will be liked when it's first posted, then be old news later anyway.
I guess I'm that way so I'LL like it later?

(Note: I am not thinking of or planning suicide. Don't worry. I know there's more to life than I see right now and I need to wait for it. I've never been to a con, had a dog, eaten schnitzel, etc. etc. It's just I've very physically drained and sad lately. I might just be in a rut. Hopefully, when I get my dog later, I'll feel better. ...oh wait, that'll be in 2018. sh*t)
(Again, this is just a vent. I'm sorry for being a pest. I'm not so happy-go-lucky all of the time... You can ignore this.)
(Please don't be harsh either. I'm not good at articulating my feelings and I probably sound like an ass in this. )