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Life ain't easy ya know~
8 years ago
General
Depression is not fun.
For about two months now, I have been battling the ebb and flow of depression. Anymore, a lot of things get me triggered- I get upset, then depressed, and back to upset. I feel frustrated all the time; I'm bitter about my job prospects, my finances, my debt, my mother, the fact that I am 25 and still living at home and feeling held back, and this constant resentment of not being able to have a dog for the past 9 years.
Earlier this year, I got my goal of becoming full-time working for our local Home Depot, as the Delivery Will-Call Coordinator (DWCC). It was a lot of fun until around August when I started to burn out. The exigencies of the job, the low wages, terrible help hired into my department coupled with indifferent management, made my life a living hell at times. But my bout with depression started when I realized that no matter how I did the numbers, there was no way I could move out on $10/hr, even with a roommate because of my truck payment, at $549.69 every month. It dipped me literally into a steep depression that I haven't been able to get out since. I felt like all my hard work in turning my Home Depot's deliveries department from the laughing stock of the district to a respectable position was futile and in vain. A thankless position where all my hard work was overlooked every single day.
A few weeks ago, I made the switch to work at Lowe's in Reynoldsburg. I'm one of the Appliance Load Pullers for the store. I get paid $11.31/hr + overtime to basically deliver appliances to people around greater Columbus. It's hard work, but not as bullshit filled as my tenure as Home Depot's DWCC. The extra money is helping me continue my efforts to claw my way out of my financial hole that my job problems back in 2016 left me in. I thought that a change in job would make me happy, but instead I continue skidding along the ground. Because of my Silverado, I still am unable to move out on my own.
I was hoping to have a good friend of mine become a roommate; he's looking to move out soon, and we'd both take the financial burden off each other. But I do not feel confident that he would withstand outside overtures from "friends" of his. He's a great, intelligent friend of mine, but he has two "friends" who are nothing more than parasites who suck the life out of him and his apartment. I cannot stand either one of them; one is 29, he's never held a job, and all he wants to do is sit around, smoke weed, and watch videos on his computer. He's an incredibly lazy person who always tries to justify why he never cleans up after himself, or why he gave away an expensive computer monitor for a hit of weed, or why he's too lazy to even pick olives off a slice of pizza. The other friend is a mentally unstable 28 year old who likes to dabble in handfuls of Xanax and an occasional meth adventure. He's a self-absorbed full-of-himself son of a bitch who has stolen from my friend, or had friends of his steal from my friend's apartment FIVE FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW. But yet every time, my friend folds and lets him back into his life and apartment. He lets these people walk all over him like stairs. And I have made my opinion clear that if we get an apartment together; I want them far away, and I'm afraid that he would not be able to withstand their overtures and psychological exploitation. I warned that if any of my personal stuff was stolen by any of them, I would press charges.
It's this kind of stuff that makes me not trust people. Over the years, I've slowly lost my ability to trust people. In school I was bullied a lot because I didn't quite fit in because of Asperger's, and my trust in my peers was damaged. In college my trust was further eroded by being back-stabbed multiple times by people. My own parents have filled me with such doubt about myself and others, that I've basically come to almost not even trust my closest friends. Everyone has let me down and screwed me over enough, that I don't even feel comfortable with the idea of sharing a home with anyone!
But I cannot live at home anymore. My relationship with my mother has reached the nadir; we argue a lot, she makes me furious, and she nags ALL THE TIME. I'm 25, but I get treated like I'm 12 still. I should "go to bed on time", and "not be out too late". We've argued about this for years. I'm 25, I can think for myself. The thought of staying at my home until I pay my Silverado off in 2021 makes me sick to my stomach; I'm not sure if I have the mental stamina to wait until I'm basically 30 to move out. The damage is already done to me emotionally, I'm not sure if I could make it five years!
People tell me to not let things get me down, but words are cheap. I feel like I've screwed myself over; I didn't know what to do after high school, and basically waltzed into college without an idea or end game. Five years later and about $29,000 in debt, I struggled to even find a contract temp job! It all frustrated me. And when I thought things were going to get better when I bought my Silverado in late 2015- this naive idea that in 2 years, I'd be in much better financial shape has since blown up in my life. I'm skidding along the runway, unable to gain lift.
All the stress just makes me want to be alone. But I can't afford being alone~
For about two months now, I have been battling the ebb and flow of depression. Anymore, a lot of things get me triggered- I get upset, then depressed, and back to upset. I feel frustrated all the time; I'm bitter about my job prospects, my finances, my debt, my mother, the fact that I am 25 and still living at home and feeling held back, and this constant resentment of not being able to have a dog for the past 9 years.
Earlier this year, I got my goal of becoming full-time working for our local Home Depot, as the Delivery Will-Call Coordinator (DWCC). It was a lot of fun until around August when I started to burn out. The exigencies of the job, the low wages, terrible help hired into my department coupled with indifferent management, made my life a living hell at times. But my bout with depression started when I realized that no matter how I did the numbers, there was no way I could move out on $10/hr, even with a roommate because of my truck payment, at $549.69 every month. It dipped me literally into a steep depression that I haven't been able to get out since. I felt like all my hard work in turning my Home Depot's deliveries department from the laughing stock of the district to a respectable position was futile and in vain. A thankless position where all my hard work was overlooked every single day.
A few weeks ago, I made the switch to work at Lowe's in Reynoldsburg. I'm one of the Appliance Load Pullers for the store. I get paid $11.31/hr + overtime to basically deliver appliances to people around greater Columbus. It's hard work, but not as bullshit filled as my tenure as Home Depot's DWCC. The extra money is helping me continue my efforts to claw my way out of my financial hole that my job problems back in 2016 left me in. I thought that a change in job would make me happy, but instead I continue skidding along the ground. Because of my Silverado, I still am unable to move out on my own.
I was hoping to have a good friend of mine become a roommate; he's looking to move out soon, and we'd both take the financial burden off each other. But I do not feel confident that he would withstand outside overtures from "friends" of his. He's a great, intelligent friend of mine, but he has two "friends" who are nothing more than parasites who suck the life out of him and his apartment. I cannot stand either one of them; one is 29, he's never held a job, and all he wants to do is sit around, smoke weed, and watch videos on his computer. He's an incredibly lazy person who always tries to justify why he never cleans up after himself, or why he gave away an expensive computer monitor for a hit of weed, or why he's too lazy to even pick olives off a slice of pizza. The other friend is a mentally unstable 28 year old who likes to dabble in handfuls of Xanax and an occasional meth adventure. He's a self-absorbed full-of-himself son of a bitch who has stolen from my friend, or had friends of his steal from my friend's apartment FIVE FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW. But yet every time, my friend folds and lets him back into his life and apartment. He lets these people walk all over him like stairs. And I have made my opinion clear that if we get an apartment together; I want them far away, and I'm afraid that he would not be able to withstand their overtures and psychological exploitation. I warned that if any of my personal stuff was stolen by any of them, I would press charges.
It's this kind of stuff that makes me not trust people. Over the years, I've slowly lost my ability to trust people. In school I was bullied a lot because I didn't quite fit in because of Asperger's, and my trust in my peers was damaged. In college my trust was further eroded by being back-stabbed multiple times by people. My own parents have filled me with such doubt about myself and others, that I've basically come to almost not even trust my closest friends. Everyone has let me down and screwed me over enough, that I don't even feel comfortable with the idea of sharing a home with anyone!
But I cannot live at home anymore. My relationship with my mother has reached the nadir; we argue a lot, she makes me furious, and she nags ALL THE TIME. I'm 25, but I get treated like I'm 12 still. I should "go to bed on time", and "not be out too late". We've argued about this for years. I'm 25, I can think for myself. The thought of staying at my home until I pay my Silverado off in 2021 makes me sick to my stomach; I'm not sure if I have the mental stamina to wait until I'm basically 30 to move out. The damage is already done to me emotionally, I'm not sure if I could make it five years!
People tell me to not let things get me down, but words are cheap. I feel like I've screwed myself over; I didn't know what to do after high school, and basically waltzed into college without an idea or end game. Five years later and about $29,000 in debt, I struggled to even find a contract temp job! It all frustrated me. And when I thought things were going to get better when I bought my Silverado in late 2015- this naive idea that in 2 years, I'd be in much better financial shape has since blown up in my life. I'm skidding along the runway, unable to gain lift.
All the stress just makes me want to be alone. But I can't afford being alone~
It's human nature to fight against the odds. Lowes obviously saw this in you.
*hugs...
V.