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Inside the brain of a bird.
8 years ago
I've been thinking a lot about on how to write this journal, and if I should post it to start with. I've never been good with words. And I don't want to come off as edgy or attention-seeking.
I also hope this also can explain why I barely post art anymore.
Everything I write in this journal are serious issues I've been facing, and while they might seem ridiculous or silly, I hope that you will try to think about it from my perspective.
I'm a nervous human being to start with. 'Nervous wreck' is probably the best way to explain me as a person in few words. Those who know me personally, and have met me, knows that this is very true. And that I rely a lot on those around me to make it thru a social event, per example.
This nervousness have been destroying my life and friendships, and I'm feeling like I'm losing everyone around me. When I try to explain my thoughts and feelings, it comes out wrong and harsh, and I push away those who try to help me, despite the fact that I want and need them.
Losing those around me, both to destroyed friendships and death, is, without a doubt in my mind, my biggest fear. That, along with lonliness. It tears me up inside that these fears control my everyday life. If I feel that I said something wrong, I panic. If a friend doubts me, I assume the worst. It repeats everyday, all day. And these fears result in delusions, delusions that I know aren't real, but they seem so real that I follow and believe them.
These delusions are mostly things like:
'You're hated'
'People are with you because they pity you'
'You're not welcome anywhere'
'No one loves you'
'Your work and art is worthless. No one likes it anyways'
But they vary and differ, depending on the situation. No matter where I go, they follow me.
And these thoughts and delusions make me feel isolated. I have never felt so lonely in my life as I do now. I feel unwelcome in my local furry community, like everyone hates me.
And I can't change this, because its been here for years and they're getting harder and harder to control. I'm feeling like I'm going crazy. I can't have a normal job, I can barely sturdy at my school, because this presses on constantly.
And I'm not sure if I can stay with this any longer.
Life seems pointless when those I care about hate me anyway.
I don't know what the point of this journal is. A cry for help maybe. I'm not sure.
I'm just so scared of how others think of me and of being left alone.
And I want it to end.
I also hope this also can explain why I barely post art anymore.
Everything I write in this journal are serious issues I've been facing, and while they might seem ridiculous or silly, I hope that you will try to think about it from my perspective.
I'm a nervous human being to start with. 'Nervous wreck' is probably the best way to explain me as a person in few words. Those who know me personally, and have met me, knows that this is very true. And that I rely a lot on those around me to make it thru a social event, per example.
This nervousness have been destroying my life and friendships, and I'm feeling like I'm losing everyone around me. When I try to explain my thoughts and feelings, it comes out wrong and harsh, and I push away those who try to help me, despite the fact that I want and need them.
Losing those around me, both to destroyed friendships and death, is, without a doubt in my mind, my biggest fear. That, along with lonliness. It tears me up inside that these fears control my everyday life. If I feel that I said something wrong, I panic. If a friend doubts me, I assume the worst. It repeats everyday, all day. And these fears result in delusions, delusions that I know aren't real, but they seem so real that I follow and believe them.
These delusions are mostly things like:
'You're hated'
'People are with you because they pity you'
'You're not welcome anywhere'
'No one loves you'
'Your work and art is worthless. No one likes it anyways'
But they vary and differ, depending on the situation. No matter where I go, they follow me.
And these thoughts and delusions make me feel isolated. I have never felt so lonely in my life as I do now. I feel unwelcome in my local furry community, like everyone hates me.
And I can't change this, because its been here for years and they're getting harder and harder to control. I'm feeling like I'm going crazy. I can't have a normal job, I can barely sturdy at my school, because this presses on constantly.
And I'm not sure if I can stay with this any longer.
Life seems pointless when those I care about hate me anyway.
I don't know what the point of this journal is. A cry for help maybe. I'm not sure.
I'm just so scared of how others think of me and of being left alone.
And I want it to end.
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