I've been crying for the past half hour and I don't want to, but I can't make it stop.

Everything I am, or think I am, or that I'm not has all hit me at once and it just won't stop.

I feel like a terrible person. My brain tells me that I'm a disappointment, that I'm not worth the time that I take from others. It tells me that I don't matter, that everyone is bothered by my existence. It also tells me that absolutely no one is bothered because I'm not worth being by. I'm terrified that one day my fiance will 'wake up' and see how gross and unworthy I am, and that he doesn't love me, and leave.

And I believe every word.

I'm going absolutely no where in life. I want to do better, be better, live better, but I'm stuck where I am. I have no skills for a better job. No money for a better life or health. No motivation for...anything.

I have lost interest in everything that I once relished. I stare at all my crafts- knitting, sewing, crochet - and video games and I just...I want to have fun, I want to enjoy myself but I just....don't. It's so frustrating and devastating.

At the end of the day I'm alone because I forget that I have relationships that need upkeep and I believe my brain when it tells me that I'm annoying them. I believe it when my brain tells me 'don't bother, they'll just blow you off or count down the seconds til the conversation's over.'

I can't ask for help because of the same reason. I'm terrified. I'm terrified posting this and I'm sorry. I'm truly and legitimately sorry to make you read this, to take time away from your day for something as pointless as ME. I'm sorry that I've ever made anyone feel like they had to care, or that they were mistaken to care. I'm just....sorry, and that's all I can offer.