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Tis the Season to get...down and depressed
8 years ago
Some will already know others not so much but this time of year, personally i hate it. its littered with nothing but bad memory's for me most recently being my mothers death this passing New years Eve.
Its highly likely im going to be more sarcastic and passive aggressive then normal so tbh ill probably end up going very quiet for a while.
Although the pain i was in is mostly under control, a diagnosis of Costochrontitus(sp?) its been enough of a problem for work to be "cautious" over how much overtime they are willing to give me and in which departments, and such the amount of overtime i can get has become scarce. Im only contracted to work 5 hour days for 4 days, this earns me barley enough to pay my bills and help my dad run the house.Normally i do enough overtime to give me 9 hour work days Mon-Fri that earns me enough money to pay bills with some left over. So right now im stressing over Christmas, as much as i dont celebrate it, i refuse to have people buy me things for Christmas i tend to be on my own over the festive period there is the matter of my daughters.
I make sure i do my best to give them as good a Christmas as is possible but with my situation being how it is, im depressed over the fact they may get VERY little, their mom and her partner are swamped with their own bills and i know what they have got are small presents of the usual things you would get, but nothing extravagant.
It sounds shallow but considering they live in an area with friends whose parents are much better off, i cant help but wonder how my girls would feel going back to school with their friends who have all these nice gifts and all they managed to get was some doodle books and hair brushes. I KNOW it shouldn't be that which matters but i know what its like being in that position.
Had my health not dived like it did i wouldn't even be in this position but this is whats getting me even further down. I forced myself to work, i kept going in i kept honouring the overtime i signed up for,, i did my best. And it means nothing, i feel like im being punished for being ill, for lack of a better way of putting it im fucked money wise, i have ENOUGH to exist and nothing more.
My best wasn't going enough, my imagination is very good at, well imagining what things look like according to my brain and its not good. It feels unfair.
Im ranting raving/venting im not even sure wy i bothered to post on here, i dunno. bleh
Its highly likely im going to be more sarcastic and passive aggressive then normal so tbh ill probably end up going very quiet for a while.
Although the pain i was in is mostly under control, a diagnosis of Costochrontitus(sp?) its been enough of a problem for work to be "cautious" over how much overtime they are willing to give me and in which departments, and such the amount of overtime i can get has become scarce. Im only contracted to work 5 hour days for 4 days, this earns me barley enough to pay my bills and help my dad run the house.Normally i do enough overtime to give me 9 hour work days Mon-Fri that earns me enough money to pay bills with some left over. So right now im stressing over Christmas, as much as i dont celebrate it, i refuse to have people buy me things for Christmas i tend to be on my own over the festive period there is the matter of my daughters.
I make sure i do my best to give them as good a Christmas as is possible but with my situation being how it is, im depressed over the fact they may get VERY little, their mom and her partner are swamped with their own bills and i know what they have got are small presents of the usual things you would get, but nothing extravagant.
It sounds shallow but considering they live in an area with friends whose parents are much better off, i cant help but wonder how my girls would feel going back to school with their friends who have all these nice gifts and all they managed to get was some doodle books and hair brushes. I KNOW it shouldn't be that which matters but i know what its like being in that position.
Had my health not dived like it did i wouldn't even be in this position but this is whats getting me even further down. I forced myself to work, i kept going in i kept honouring the overtime i signed up for,, i did my best. And it means nothing, i feel like im being punished for being ill, for lack of a better way of putting it im fucked money wise, i have ENOUGH to exist and nothing more.
My best wasn't going enough, my imagination is very good at, well imagining what things look like according to my brain and its not good. It feels unfair.
Im ranting raving/venting im not even sure wy i bothered to post on here, i dunno. bleh
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