I've recently had a falling out with multiple friends,
and unfortunately the revelation towards all of them figuring out that im
absolutely piss-poor at being a friend came about after my recovery from the ER/hospital,
and the weeks following my discharge from those places.
One friend was mad enough at me for ending up there that they decided
i wasn't worth their time, belittled me for being "childish" as well as my actions leading up to my admission.
Another friend realized that im just as worthless as I used to say I was,
because for the first time in my life, i was able to stop focusing on my own worries,
and asked them how they were.
This caused them to realize that I had never really
"shown" much interest in being friends with them, despite me claiming otherwise.
Another friend stopped talking to me altogether because while i was in the hospital
, someone had told them i was in jail, without any more explanation,
and they just so happened to believe it. They didn't want their kids/husband
to be influenced by me.

No one actually talks to me anymore, since these specific
people were really the only ones that would talk to me on any occassion.

Not to mention, no one actually remembered my birthday
aside from my boyfriend. No family, no other 'friends',
not even the people in my unit.
My boyfriend seems to be the only one that actually likes me anymore,
and as shitty as it sounds, im probably regressing back
into the paranoid, friendless little shit that i used to be.
I thought i had friends, but I guess i no longer do. It's really
tearing me apart, and there seems to be absolutely no way to salvage it.
It feels really fucking bad knowing that the people I forced
myself to be comfortable with talking to ended up just like
everyone else in my life, leaving me when my guard was let
down most. Like, there's no way i can apologize to any of these
people that I haven't already, and they keep lying to me, telling me
that "we can work on it" when I know damn well that they won't
actually start any conversations with me anymore, and will just gradually
fade out and leave me behind.

It feels especially bad that despite how much these people claimed to
know about me, they seemed to ignore the fact that, even though
i've been diagnosed, and brought it up with them all, im not a great
person to be friends with. They gave me some sort of hope, since
in my head i saw it as "Wow, these strangers actually want to talk
to me and get to know me, i guess im not that bad!!"

But those same people that made me feel better about myself,
and helped me through rough times, stayed up late to talk to me,
shared interests and actually seemed to want to know me as
a friend seemed to have left the building. Im back on my
own in terms of friends for a while. It genuinely fucks with
me to have my trust played with like this, and i won't be able
to fucking trust anyone for a while, even with the simple tasks
of maintaining conversation and accepting gestures of kindness/friendship.


I know no one's going to read this really, but it's just for venting, so i guess i shouldn't care.