So, it's felt like I've been on a sinking ship for the past 6 years or so, and I've been desperately trying to reach out to find something, someone, to help me. It feels like I'm just realizing how futile and childish that is/was though, since I'm chained to the hull, doomed to sink, and not swim.

I've made so many mistakes, and hurt a lot of peoples feelings on here. I know it would mean little to them, but I am sorry, and I beat myself up over it every night and every time I ever get feeling down.

I do want a future, I do want someone to spend my life with. I want to have something to actually hope for, instead of hoping for a dream, a mirage that will vanish in the wind. But I am resigning myself to the knowledge that will never happen. I'll still put on the masque, the thin veneer of being alright, that everyone does, and as I've done frequently for the past few years.

But I've been losing more and more hope, I've been losing any reason, any meaning for why I should go on. I've been thinking about how much easier everything would be if I just wasn't around anymore, for me any everyone else, for the past few months now. I can't do anything about it, because I'm too scared to leave the house without anyone, and I don't want to hurt my family, despite how they've treated me in the past.

I don't know what to do anymore, and frankly, I never did. I was always searching for something new to keep me distracted, to keep my mind off the intense loneliness and emptiness I felt for 6 years. Before that, I was just empty. I honestly thought love was a weakness, and a foolish emotion. Family didn't help with that either, but that's fine.

I'm not a good person, and I never have been. I want to help people, I want people to be happy, but I never actually take their happiness into account. I was never taught how to be an actual friend to anyone, so I've only ever talked with people when I wanted something from them, usually something relating to virtual sex, as I've never actually made friends on my own in real life.

To whoever actually takes the time out of their day to read this, first of all, why? Secondly, you deserve happiness, you deserve a future, you deserve something, anything. I don't. I don't deserve care, I don't deserve attention, I don't deserve love. I don't deserve death. I deserve, nothing. I always have, and I always will.

I'm sorry, I'll still be around, and I'll probably still message people when I feel like I want something, or feel better, but I had to get something out, no matter how little it reflects what's actually going on inside my head. I couldn't let this train of thought slip away and go unheard again, not tonight, and I don't know why.

I'm sorry for taking this much time out of anyone's day.

I'm likely going to delete this after a while, like I do with a lot of my journals, because I start thinking about how pointless and useless they are.

Goodnight.