Hi all

Just starting to be able to talk about this.

I moved in here and stayed with my mother for over a decade now. First, because of her mobility issues, but for the last two or three years, because of her carcinoid cancers.

She passed away six weeks ago, six weeks before her birthday.

Almost all depictions of people passing away in literature or film are bogus. In the end, it was renal failure, which is supposed to be one of the easier ways to go. If so, there must be absolutely 0 ways to go peacefully unless you kill a healthy person in one hit.

Very painful time was spent at home, where she wanted to die, watching her thrash and scream and make nonsense sounds. On top of that, I can 100% verify that Kaiser Permanente is the worst care center on earth and that she had to suffer the first night with very little pain medicine when she should have been getting dosed with morphine every 2 hours and also should have had anti-anxiety meds available to her. They were not, because their palliative nursing team was so incredibly slow to show up and never answered telephone calls. I had to dose her myself without knowing what amount to give her or how often and I failed her because she was still very much in pain. Her mind had mostly gone by then and she couldn't remember who she was or where she was, or who I was, so maybe it wasn't that so much as anxiety. Who knows?

Anyway, I've been a wreck for a long time but I will probably still be a wreck for quite a bit longer because it's still fresh.

Just letting everyone know. She was my best friend and pretty much the only person I spent time with for years, plus she was a very articulate and well read woman of education and literature. She taught for most of her life, being placed into teaching when she was 17 by her convent (yes, she was a nun before she left to pursue her dream of having a family). She touched many lives and the memorial mass at her church involved young and old students and there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

Miss you, Ma