So, okay. I don't know why I'm doing this instead of, y'know, all the stuff I should be doing, but I've got a serious bone to pick with the people singing The Last Jedi's praises. Not the actual movie itself, mind you; I'm honestly split right down the middle about it. Some things in the movie I think are fantastic, others, I feel are just horrible. But I've had run-ins with one too many uber fans of this movie that seem to think criticizing it is paramount to heresy, and OBVIOUSLY whoever doesn't love this movie is sexist/racist/Nazi/Trump-voter/butthurt fan, etc. So I'm going to nitpick the fuck out of this movie because there are some things that really bug me. And a quick disclaimer; several people who love this movie are friends of mine, so if you're not treating people like shit just because they don't like the movie, then my ire is not directed at you.

ALSO BEAR IN MIND I'M SPEAKING FRANKLY ABOUT SPOILERS. THIS IS YOUR ONLY WARNING.

THE STORY

Okay, so, admittedly, I don't have too many complaints about the plot, meaning, the main sequence of events. In fact, everything from Rey and Kylo facing off against Snoke to the end I actually really, really love. It's about forty five minutes of some of the best fight scenes, visually amazing set pieces, and some wonderful moments between all the characters you love. Honestly, if they just showed that ending part, I would have been happy, I think that's worth the price of admission alone. It's just a damn shame it's loaded down with a lot of stupid that preceded it.

The Finn and Rose's subplot bears most of my ire. Not only is there a pointless character macguffin they NEVER ACTUALLY MEET, I can't help but feel that everything comes to a screeching halt so the director and writers can bitch and moan about rich people once they reach the casino, but more on that later. The subplot is kicked into gear only because Vice Admiral Holdo, the woman taking over after Leia is put into a coma, who's right up there with "let's invade Russia in the winter" strategy thinking, refuses to tell anyone her plan to actually escape. This is infuriating, because had she JUST TOLD SOMEONE, Poe wouldn't have felt like she's an incompetent coward (she is the former, not the latter) and would not have planned a mutiny or sent Finn and Rose on this pointless fucking plan, which doesn't even end up working. Holdo ends up bravely sacrificing herself, which would have meant a lot more had she not acted like a condescending bitch for her entire screen time.

But of course, that's the side plot. What about the main one? Rey and Luke actually work pretty well, and Rey's connection to Kylo is very intriguing. I actually think there's some great humor, especially from Luke, who has become the galaxy's greatest sass master. The joke where he fucks with Rey trying to literally reach out and feel the Force had me laughing hard. My one BIG bugbear with this plot is the conclusions they come to about the Force and the Jedi, and the revelations about how Kylo turned to the dark side. When Luke goes to destroy the Jedi texts but finds he can't bring himself to do it, fine. But then Yoda appears, and then HE destroys the Jedi texts with a bolt of lightning. Because if there's one thing the JEDI are known for, it's using the Force to throw out LIGHTNING. That's totally not related to any OTHER group of Force Users I can think of.

But more than that, Yoda giggles like an idiot as Luke watches the oldest legacy of his religion go up in smoke. This makes absolutely no sense. And don't get me wrong, I know what they're trying to say; that the spirit of the Jedi and its philosophies doesn't lie in old, musty texts, but in the hearts of those who carry on its traditions and teachings, like Rey. And that's fair enough, but no one should be HAPPY to see their sacred texts reduced to ash. This is the equivalent of the Pope burning the Dead Sea scrolls, and laughing while he does it. And what bugs me is that this could have been fixed so easily. Just let it be an accident of nature, or, hell, send in the First Order to burn them. THEN have Yoda appear to Luke, and tell him the old texts don't matter. Just, forgive me, as a student of history, I think it's awfully weird for a movie to show a literal, honest-to-god book burning portrayed in a POSITIVE light.

I also have so many problems with how they handled Luke, but I'll get to that later. The only other two problems I have is that Snoke getting killed was awfully anti-climactic, and Rey reveals that ALL THIS TIME, she knew that her parents were just two nobodies. What. After all that build-up, all that intrigue, you're going to tell us that NOT ONLY are Rey's parents just some drug-addicted burnouts, BUT THAT SHE KNEW THE WHOLE TIME?

And again, like the Jedi Text scene, I GET what they're doing. They're saying that greatness doesn't necessarily come from one's parents, that you don't need to be tied to prophecy or a family legacy to do great things. BUT. If that's the case, don't fucking tease us with all these questions and build-up to what is literally the most disappointing answer possible.

THE CHARACTERS

The dichotomy between Rey and Kylo is actually really great. I thought both were only so-so in FA, but here, I think they're really coming into their own. I still think Rey is a bit bland, but then, to be fair, so was Luke in A New Hope, and perhaps bland is more palpable than the spicy hot mess Anakin was in the prequels. I actually still like Finn, but I think he's criminally underused in this movie, wasted on a subplot that really wasn't necessary. Rose is mostly annoying. Her last line "don't fight the things you hate! Save the things you love!" is so damn hokey, it belongs in a Care Bear special. So does she, come to think of it, as she delivers her opinions and exposition as subtly as a jackhammer to the face.

Poe is a nice, cocky character, and his equivalent, General Hux, is so deliciously slimy and smarmy, I love any scene with them.

Holdo is just a nuisance. She's that snotty soccer mom that always demands to see the manager. But Leia is still great. Despite a rather... silly scene when she flies through the vacuum of space, I'm glad that Carrie Fisher went out on top. Her final scene between her and Luke was a wonderful way to cap off their arcs, and the joke "I know what you're going to say. I changed my hair," was, again, one of the funniest lines in the movie. Her passing the torch of leadership to Poe was also rather touching.

Also how fucking dare you waste your Brienne of Tarth. I wanted so much more of Captain Phasma, but I think she gets, what, three lines? Four, maybe? Gwendolyn Christie is such a great actor, and remember, I work in Disney World; Captain Phasma has her own PARADE in one of the parks, and they kill her off so quickly? Stupid.

Snoke was literally quoting Palpatine word for word in his last scenes. Like, for a movie that wanted to subvert expectations so much, you really had to steal from another Star Wars movie's script?

And Luke. Luke, Luke, Luke. What did they do to you? Mark Hamil himself was increasingly more and more uncomfortable with what they did to his character (and yes, I know he retracted it, but let's be honest, that's because Disney was leaning on him harder than Tarkin on Alderaan) and I totally get it. He does come around, and him playing the grumpy, Rocky-esque trainer is mostly acceptable, but the revelations about how he handled Kylo Ren's fall to the dark side is just so out of character. Here we have a man that never gave up on his father, the most feared, reviled war lord in galactic history, that never lost hope for him, but an angst-ridden teenage boy spooks him? No.

And what was up with that "I've only seen this strength one before, and it didn't scare me enough then" nonsense? You literally thought you were going to kill your nephew, Luke, I'd call that pretty damn scared. But more than that, again, they could have treated this in a million better ways. Luke Skywalker does not KILL children. The thought should never enter his mind, he should have never had that impulse to begin with. It is just not the type of person Luke is. What WOULD be in his character would be to lock him up. Isolate him. Treat him as if he were possessed by the devil, which he kind of was. This would be in character for Luke, but it would also still show his shortcomings, as well as be fairly traumatizing for Kylo. Think about it; Luke Skywalker has the entire future of the Jedi to think of, but he just can't bring himself to hurt his nephew, so he locks him away until he can solve this problem. But for Kylo, this would be desolating. Here's his uncle, the great hero, who told him he was special, now treating him like a wild animal, a monster, all because he's angry and confused.

But again, they do bring him around. Luke's final scenes between Kylo are really great. If that was the Luke I had gotten for the rest of the movie, I'd be a lot more forgiving.

TELL, DON'T SHOW

This is perhaps what angers me the most about the movie. As a writer, I know how important the Show, Don't Tell rule is to storytelling. There are very obviously some political messages the movie wants to get across, especially at the damned casino, but it's so heavy handed, it's straight up obnoxious. Yes, Rian Johnson, rich people do suck, especially those damned arms dealers. Would you maybe like to, I don't know, SHOW us how evil they are? Rose has this big long speech about how evil and rotten these rich assholes are, but all we see is the kangaroo-horse things' trainer being abusive to the animals and his stable boys. And he's the only one that DOESN'T get his comeuppance. All we see of these eeevil 1%ers is a bunch of people in fancy clothes, sipping champagne and tittering like a bunch of British aristocrats. Oh, we're told they're bad, but we're never SHOWN it. All we're doing is looking at a bunch of people enjoying their vacation at a casino. Could we, perhaps, maybe SEE them do something bad? Like have these rich people laugh at the animal abuse, or maybe, if they are arms dealers, COULD WE SEE AN ARMS DEAL HAPPEN? If these people are all bankrolling the First Order, how come we never SEE any First Order people around? One shot of a red armband, a sly, under-the-table handshake, something. This would also give the subplot some fucking relevance, because if we could actually see how the First Order is slowly tightening its grip on the galaxy, that would be so much more powerful.

CONCLUSION

I don't think Last Jedi is a bad movie. But I also don't think it's this great, revelatory movie others seem to think it is. It has some amazing stuff, and what saddens me the most is that it COULD have been great, if they had just, I don't know, given more time to do one or two more rewrites and not been tied to a bi-annual schedule foisted upon them by their corporate masters. Honestly, it feels like two movies. When its allowed to be grand and artistic, it's really a sight to behold. But there are other scenes that just wreak of corporate mandates and producer notes. If you're even a passing fan of Star Wars, I would actually still recommend seeing it. The stuff that's good is really good, but just brace yourself for a lot of stupid shit to accompany it.

And that's all. If I get a bit of a conversation going, I might even consider giving my thoughts on other movies. Take care everyone, and God bless,
-Renard