*Sighs heavily* Okay, where to begin. This one is a doozy so, if you don't wanna read sob story personal life shit, read paragraph one, and then the last one too. Skip all the rest.

I guess ill start on the topic of my laptop, because that's the shortest bit. Last night my laptop suddenly stopped working properly. The keyboard was no longer functioning, and then when it was rebooted it didn't wanna reboot. Said something was wrong with some strtrail file or something?? Unsure. Well, I had it doing a chkdsk which was taking eons last night so I unplugged it, sat it on the kitchen table and went back to playing games with my family. Just before midnight I thought "OH SHIT ITS UNPLUGGED" and ran over to snag it, it had already died. I took it back to the charger and low and behold, it booted up. Very slowly, but it got on and everything worked. I left it on and plugged in all night and now today I will be pulling ALL my files off the damn thing and putting them on an external drive just so I'm sure I wont lose any files if it happens to do the shit again. I don't know whats wrong, but fingers crossed it doesn't happen again, I almost lost all my commission files last night. So... Yeah. That's that. Now, if you don't care about my personal life, feel free to skip down to the last paragraph.


So.... As some of you know, and many of you don't. I have been living for the last few years in Sweden. And I hate it. I really do. I am unhappy, I am miserable, I have no job, no ability to get a job, no friends, no life outside of becoming a vegetable at my computer and doing nothing. Its been horrible. I have been depressed. I want nothing more than to go home and live my life comfortably and happily in my home country where I feel like I belong. *sigh*

Now, I haven't been telling my partner this. Because we have a child and obviously it makes things horrendously complicated. Well, last night I told him. Both of us had been drinking a fair bit and he said, very calmly that he needed me to get back home, and if in a month I still wanted to come home, he would pay a ticket. MIND YOU none of this is because I don't love him. Regardless of how... not great he has been to me sometimes I do love him. I just hate this country and he will not move with me.

So, that was that and we moved on with the night. Today I tried to approach him about talking about what our plans with the child were. And that we should come up with an agreement and sign it in case things happen that way, neither of us can try to be shit bags and either a) run off with the kid or b) try to keep the kid form the other parent. He didn't like that. This time, he was sober and he immediately started to cry, had a panic attack and when I tried to go console him, he told me to get off of him and leave him alone.

So, things have been rough. I am in ... I dunno. Not a good place I guess. I have been crying on and off. This isn't an easy decision by any means. I love him, I really do but i know that staying in Sweden will kill me. I can't continue living in a place where I feel like the ridiculed black sheep any more. It hurts. I rarely see the outside world and my apartment ended up looking like a trash heap. I didn't clean, I barely cooked and only because I was asked to. I either didn't sleep at all or I slept 14+ hours at a time and was constantly exhausted.

As far as what is going to happen from here.... I don't know. Today is my last full day in America. Tomorrow, I leave back for Sweden and then, we will see what happens from there. Today I have a lot of packing to do. Scouring the house and looking for things we don't want to leave behind. There is stuff absolutely everywhere. Not to mention, trying to fit everything we got into our suitcases and such, that will be fun. I also need to run into town and snag a travel adapter so that I can use my laptop in Sweden. I still have my desktop there but ill likely be on my laptop a good deal and shut up in my room for a while as I try to cope with all of this. We will arrive home Wednesday evening so, Thursday or Friday I will return to working on commissions properly, and I apologize for the delay. I will try to nail stuff out as fast and efficiently as I can. From there, I will take more commissions and try to work on saving up money for the possibility that I end up coming home. If I decide to come home, I don't want him to have to pay for everything, we are in a fair bit of debt with his family so I would rather him not have to pay for me. I will be looking to purchase a plane ticket and having some living money before I will be able to find a job in America. That is my plan anyway. That is all I know for now. This is all going to be very hard on me and I hope you can all be patient with me during this period, as I will not be overly..excitable and talkative I suppose.


Much love and good vibes to you all.
-Shay