I'd like to preface this entry by saying two things. Firstly, I apologize for this account going dead for the past few months. School has made it difficult, if not impossible, to draw finished personal art. Also, I've gotten into a phase where I don't think any of my work is worth posting here, but more on that later. Secondly, what I write here is likely going to seem very attention-whorish or edgy. I want to make it known that neither of those things are my goal in writing this. This entry is merely a means of venting - nothing more than a collection of thoughts and issues that I encounter. I will speak as if I am writing in my own personal journal. Raw thoughts. No one ought to feel obligated to respond to it. I do not expect sympathy over this, nor do I necessarily desire it. It is simply here, existing for the sole reason of giving me something to do.

As of writing this, I have spent several months going through a downwards spiral with regards to my relationships with friends and my own emotional stability. My behavior towards those around me is utterly abysmal - I am far more of a burden than a friend. I am spiteful; I am angry; I am self-hating; and I am pessimistic. Conversation cannot be held without it devolving into an argument thanks to me. I can sense that those around me hate me for it - and rightfully so. Behavior such as this is incredibly taxing, and I do not blame people for not liking someone who is, quite frankly, very unlikable. Even now, reading over these words, I myself get annoyed at the whiny and self-loathing tone. Having no one else to talk to, my moaning most often befalls those around me, which is very unfair to them.

Emotions are unruly. I feel intense hatred towards people for the most minor things - I do not understand why. This has happened to people whom I was once friends with, and those friendships have since ceased because of it. They, obviously, are not responsible for this. It is entirely my fault, and I accept that. I believe it to be a fault of my own character to lack the power to overcome these emotions and get them in check.

Why am I like this? I've never been able to fully understand it myself. Perhaps certain people are just predisposed to have terrible personalities, but I somehow doubt that is the case. Again, it seems less like a natural state of being and more like a severe fault of character that ought to be controllable. I think part of it may stem from a feeling of inferiority. Every artist I encounter is so incredibly better than me, and because I have such a fragile ego - yet another fault of character - I become angry at myself. This anger rises to the surface and surrounds me with an aura of contempt dismal self-deprecation. Again, no one is to blame except me. I have been incredibly lazy during my teenage years, and my lack of skills is a result of a lack of hard studying, practice, and determination. All other artists have achieved a high level of skill because of these things, and it would be stupid of me to think that my inability to do the same is due to anything other than sheer laziness. Excuses would be just that: petty excuses.

It is a cycle. Inferiority leads to feelings of being an outsider; feelings of being an outsider lead to anger and sadness; anger and sadness lead to the loss of friends. Thus, I am rendered a true outsider. All by my own doing. I must accept the responsibility for this. I alone must understand that I am not at all a good or decent person. Much like with an addiction, the first step towards recovery is admitting and coming to grips with how horrible I am.

And what is that recovery? How do I improve my personality and get better with the way I treat others? I don't know quite yet. I am not going to sit here and pretend to have answers. One thing I do know, though, is that I must obsessively continue to practice and improve at art. It is the only foreseeable solution currently to the depressive state I am in. Happiness, for me, can only come out of that. But I am young now and quite unwise - it would not surprise me if things change with time. This is not a mathematical problem - there is no singular, set solution to the problem at hand. Additionally, I think limiting interaction with others would held minimize the damage I do to them. The last few friendships I have seem to be slipping away, and pretty soon I fear I truly will be isolated. All I can do now is try to cling to what I have.

Again, as I said at the beginning of this, this is not a cry for attention or sympathy. All I wish to do is let off some thoughts. Thank you.