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Hey, all. Been a while, eh?

I'm sorry for being so sparse and silent and... not-uploading-a-lot-of-art-y these past few months. ... Well, let's be honest, SEVERAL months. But that's just cause I've been dealing with a boatload of shit, ever since Spring 2017. Don't want to go into the real heavy details, but... a certain event triggered a very heavy depression back around May, and I've not been in the right frame of mind ever since then. Close friends and those that I still owe commissions to know what's up, and I've been trying to get over it, but... yeah, even though I'm trying to do my best to get over it and have made strides to get myself in a better place - both mentally/emotionally and physically - I'm still really struggling. Been suffering from waves of depression and anxiety and anger and... ugh, 2017 was just not a fun year.

Well, after wallowing in anger depression through the summer and after counseling essentially failed near the start of fall, that's kind'a when things started to 'change'. Not necessarily for the better, but... change.

Part of the whole issue of my depression was because my plans for the future got derailed and I didn't know what I was going to do with my life. I had graduated from school at the end of 2016 and was applying for all of the non-existent jobs but nothing was coming of it; and I wanted to get out from under the thumb of my parents because my family sucks, but my plans to move out essentially... fell through, meaning I was basically stuck. Then in September found out that the college where I got my undergrad was being absorbed into a larger university, and that people who went to that school would be able to take advantage of their programs and amenities at a reduced cost. And unlike my previous college, the university has dorms.

So now I'm in their dorms.

Nice dorm too. Have my own room. Nice and quiet. But yeah, I essentially started a Masters program for VFX back in October, just so I had the excuse of 'I'm going to school; please let me stay in your dorms'.

MY NEWS

Needless to say I'm in a complicated... emotionally tumultuous time right now. I'm happy because now I don't have to worry about having to deal with my family anymore which has reduced my anxiety by like... 90%, but of course now I have to deal with the stress of essentially jumping out of a sinking ship and scrambling to crawl into a lifeboat. And it's not like I'm... STOKED about going to school again. It took me nearly TEN YEARS to get a Bachelor's Degree, what with spending five years spinning my wheels at one university because I realized a year in that I didn't want to go for it, but no one would let me get out so I was miserable and dragging my heels until I nearly failed out, and spending the next five working for a degree I wanted but constantly combating my own depression and anxiety (and a shitty teacher for thesis) weighing me down. ... And this Masters degree is for something that I really don't care for. After spending so long working with the fiddly 3D programs like Maya for 5 years just to do something that I thought was actually cool... VFX... I mean it's neat, but I'm not passionate for it. And everyone I've talked to says that if I'm not passionate for it, then I'm basically wasting my money.

But I don't feel like I have that luxury, the luxury of pursuing a degree because I want to do it. I feel like this is the only way out of a bad situation, the best - if not only - way for me to get out from under this wet blanket of stress and anxiety, by trading it in for another wet blanket that's not quite as heavy. Even now when I write this I still get sharp pangs of anger for being put in this situation in the first place, but then I just have to remind myself that... I just have to try and do these things myself. I have to learn how to not rely on others, at least not as much as I had in the past. ... It's going to be hard. It was hard before, but it's a different kind of hard.

When I was with my therapist, I likened this situation as being lost in a fog, and I'm always too scared to walk in any direction because I fear that I would just fall off the edge of a cliff, if I didn't have someone there to help guide me. ... Well, as something that we ended up describing before I couldn't see him anymore, I'm not going to get anywhere at all unless I go 'Fuck it' and I take a step. ... I literally have no idea if I just took that step that leads me straight off a cliff, and the fog hasn't at all lifted. I have no confidence that this decision will actually pan out. But again I don't think I have the luxury to be confident about it; I just have to. This isn't something I want to do; it's something I have to do.

YOUR NEWS

ANYWAYS.

One of the good things I hope that comes from this move is, now that I don't have my parents hounding me about everything, looking over my shoulder and whatnot, I do hope that the lesser amount of anxiety will allow for me to work more on art for folks on here. I still have commissions left to finish, (which goddamn it I feel awful about not being able to finish what with all that's going on) but hopefully those will be done this month and I can start on a new set. ... I mean I'm going to have to. I'm on my own now. Got'a pay for tuition and my own food... so I need an income. No pressure Lotsa pressure. So this is your news. More art from me and hopefully opening for commissions some time this month.

I'm sorry... again, for not being around and for seeming kind'a lackadaisical. Hopefully my explanation kind'a cleared up what I'm going through. And hopefully for any of those affected you can forgive me for... trying to live and whatever.

...

Oh yeah, and depression sucks.

Stay warm.

= AVI =


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