Hello. I'm not dead.

I've reactivated my account out of necessity. I figure you all deserve an explanation first though, one that I might not really feel comfortable releasing, but I feel it's the right thing to do after seeing just how many people I never expected to care, did.


So, to start: I'm the first person that will say I'm an awful piece of shit of a person. I'm not perfect and have said and done things in my life that were not good-- so just to make sure no one thinks I'm here trying to make myself look good. I've been medically diagnosed with severe clinical depression for nearly a decade now. I've had it for much longer than that, but I only finally got checked out a decade or so ago. I am more often not-okay than I am okay, but for the most part I try my damndest to shove it down and hide it. By now, plenty of people are well aware that I have issues with depression.

Why did I suddenly disappear everywhere? Well... At the risk of sounding dramatic, my life the past year has been a steadily accelerating snowball heading straight for disaster. Recently, all of it came to a head, putting me in one of the worst spots in my life, my stress and pain reaching a level that was/is pretty insurmountable. I had a massive depressive plummet, one that reached a dangerously suicidal level. As a result, I pulled away from everything except my job. I'm currently still in crisis, things are... incredibly difficult right now, but as soon as my insurance kicked in on Jan 1st, I got help and am currently trying to struggle through it as best I can.


Now to why I feel I had to reactivate out of necessity. It's been brought to my attention by multiple people that lies are being spread about me while I have been down and out-- and screencaps of those lies have been given to me, so it's not just hearsay. I'm here to clear up my name because, whether I'm alive or not, I refuse to allow lies to be cycled around about me.

"This is a common occurrence."
No. It's not. There is only one other time in my life where I have been this dangerously low and suicidal-- and that was two years ago when I got baker acted. I get depressed often, THAT is a common occurrence-- like I said, I'm more often depressed and not okay than I am okay. This is not some common low for me. Additionally: That is private information I don't want handed out to people on the internet. Telling people that, even if it WAS true, is not okay, especially when that info is unsolicited.
"This is a stunt."
Wow, I don't even know where to begin with how fucked up this is to say about someone. You know, I don't care how often someone might threaten suicide or get low, even if I suspect it's not true, I would never treat any episode of it as a "stunt" and I certainly wouldn't spread that bullshit to others about someone. It took my therapist one session to tell me they could tell I was in crisis, that's how serious this is. I deactivated everything and isolated myself because I needed it while I was horrifically bad off. I deactivated everything to remove the temptation to return before I was ready.
"Bipolar."
I got checked out, actually, years ago and I don't have bipolar disorder. I have severe clinical depression-- and anxiety, which has been a new addition and I only just recently got diagnosed with that as well. Not bipolar.

I reactivated to say that I have seen and don't appreciate these lies and the rest that I saw (but will not comment on publicly). To those that have heard or been told additional things about me while I was down and out, feel free to contact me privately to get my side on clearing my name. Know, however, that if you contact me, I will not give you info on the specifics from whom I was told or saw saying what. I will only be giving you my side to clear certain things being said about me. I will not participate in mud-slinging or calling out or slandering or giving dirt. I just want to clear my name.



To all those who have reached out to me, shown kindness and understanding, gave advice, encouraged me, and cared as I continue through this point in my life: I can't thank you all enough. You are truly incredible people and I am honored to call you my friends.