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One Day at a Time
8 years ago
You can only tackle one day at a time and only through doing one thing at a time...
My day started around 6:26am, when I realized that none of my alarms had gone off. I rushed to get clothed and went downstairs to clock in on my work laptop at 6:36am. I started reading emails a little later to find two emails chewing me out about how I emailed the team the day before about incomplete work being sent out to the customers. Fantastic.
I got stuck on reading the comment "this does not look like the Kota I know" in one of the emails.
Yea.... no shit.
'You are used to the Kota who works hard to make everyone happy, even though she is not, but smiles like an idiot anyway and gets the job done,' is the thought that runs through my mind.
In this world, no one really cares to know what is going on with any other person. They only care when it impacts them. It is that whole monkeysphere business. For those that do not know, I am referring to the concept known as Dunbar's Number and for most people, I am either on the edge or outside of their sphere. I am distant, inconsequential, replaceable.
If I quit my job today and went on an extended vacation, I doubt anyone would question my actions. They may even praise me for taking some time for myself. Saying things like, "it is good she is getting away from it all for a little while," and "She could use the vacation." So I could very easily vanish off the maps with no one asking where I am, how I am doing, and having them be very surprised and fake upset when it is a body that surfaces weeks or months down the line.
I digress...
I make my apologies in a team email and repeat attaching documentation along with links to where to find information so others might do their job more properly and continue my day. Is it upsetting to apologize for reminding people to do what they should have been doing all along and get paid to do? Yes, but I have my job to do too.
I answer phones, help people, joke with them to hide the frustration, anger and depression.
Yes, depression.
I try distracting myself by logging into Discord and doing a little bit of roleplay on the side, in between calls, and try to catch up. I draw a little bit. I answer more phones and try to smile, even though they can't see me, just because I have been told you should do so and fake it the best you can while on the phone.
I hit a wall with my drawing and can't go any further. No one is responding to messages. Roleplay is not moving. No distractions...
I set my phone to break and step outside for some fresh air and sunshine, while my mind circles around how upset I am with the situation in general. I have not had a word of genuine kindness in days.
I wonder if my cellphone's ringer is on. If I get a call for an interview, I don;t want to miss it. I check it and unmute it.
Going back inside, I handle a few more work calls and try sketching a little more again. I contact both the person I was working on a the sketch for and the next person in line. Maybe I can get their's started today, but no response. 'They are at work or asleep,' is the excuse I make for them. I check the roleplay again, but no one seems to be enthusiastic about any of it, thus my interest wanes further.
Lunch break comes along. I am not hungry. I clock out for the break and find myself just disappointed with everything. No interview calls. Not even a spam call. No roleplay. No progress on art. I go outside to walk around and tear up, but I can't quite cry. Thus I return indoors, I clock back in to work and just sit.
...and sit.
I send messages to the people I was doing art for to text me for I think I am done with Discord for now. It has been uncomfortable since my ex joined and discussions have bordered on hostility, but I stuck around for the roleplay. No roleplay to be had though. Not enough interest from anyone in anything but erp, which I won't do. Can't do.
No one on the server seems to understand why I can't.
Since it is so uncomfortable and unwelcoming, I logout. I move to the couch and slump over on it and tear up, The work phone rings and I let it rollover. I can't move... I am too drained. I have a hard time finding motivation to do anything, least of all move out of the damp spot on the couch where tears have soaked in.
Some time passes...
I find enough energy to wipe the eyes and collect the work laptop to relocate to upstairs... to my space... to bed. I queue up the work phone again, answer a call, do a little more with work and ponder how much longer can I do this.
How much longer can I deal with the pain of existing?
The days are a blur and yet the only thing I feel or know is the sadness, the depression, and the desire to let it all go.... I want to disappear.
My day started around 6:26am, when I realized that none of my alarms had gone off. I rushed to get clothed and went downstairs to clock in on my work laptop at 6:36am. I started reading emails a little later to find two emails chewing me out about how I emailed the team the day before about incomplete work being sent out to the customers. Fantastic.
I got stuck on reading the comment "this does not look like the Kota I know" in one of the emails.
Yea.... no shit.
'You are used to the Kota who works hard to make everyone happy, even though she is not, but smiles like an idiot anyway and gets the job done,' is the thought that runs through my mind.
In this world, no one really cares to know what is going on with any other person. They only care when it impacts them. It is that whole monkeysphere business. For those that do not know, I am referring to the concept known as Dunbar's Number and for most people, I am either on the edge or outside of their sphere. I am distant, inconsequential, replaceable.
If I quit my job today and went on an extended vacation, I doubt anyone would question my actions. They may even praise me for taking some time for myself. Saying things like, "it is good she is getting away from it all for a little while," and "She could use the vacation." So I could very easily vanish off the maps with no one asking where I am, how I am doing, and having them be very surprised and fake upset when it is a body that surfaces weeks or months down the line.
I digress...
I make my apologies in a team email and repeat attaching documentation along with links to where to find information so others might do their job more properly and continue my day. Is it upsetting to apologize for reminding people to do what they should have been doing all along and get paid to do? Yes, but I have my job to do too.
I answer phones, help people, joke with them to hide the frustration, anger and depression.
Yes, depression.
I try distracting myself by logging into Discord and doing a little bit of roleplay on the side, in between calls, and try to catch up. I draw a little bit. I answer more phones and try to smile, even though they can't see me, just because I have been told you should do so and fake it the best you can while on the phone.
I hit a wall with my drawing and can't go any further. No one is responding to messages. Roleplay is not moving. No distractions...
I set my phone to break and step outside for some fresh air and sunshine, while my mind circles around how upset I am with the situation in general. I have not had a word of genuine kindness in days.
I wonder if my cellphone's ringer is on. If I get a call for an interview, I don;t want to miss it. I check it and unmute it.
Going back inside, I handle a few more work calls and try sketching a little more again. I contact both the person I was working on a the sketch for and the next person in line. Maybe I can get their's started today, but no response. 'They are at work or asleep,' is the excuse I make for them. I check the roleplay again, but no one seems to be enthusiastic about any of it, thus my interest wanes further.
Lunch break comes along. I am not hungry. I clock out for the break and find myself just disappointed with everything. No interview calls. Not even a spam call. No roleplay. No progress on art. I go outside to walk around and tear up, but I can't quite cry. Thus I return indoors, I clock back in to work and just sit.
...and sit.
I send messages to the people I was doing art for to text me for I think I am done with Discord for now. It has been uncomfortable since my ex joined and discussions have bordered on hostility, but I stuck around for the roleplay. No roleplay to be had though. Not enough interest from anyone in anything but erp, which I won't do. Can't do.
No one on the server seems to understand why I can't.
Since it is so uncomfortable and unwelcoming, I logout. I move to the couch and slump over on it and tear up, The work phone rings and I let it rollover. I can't move... I am too drained. I have a hard time finding motivation to do anything, least of all move out of the damp spot on the couch where tears have soaked in.
Some time passes...
I find enough energy to wipe the eyes and collect the work laptop to relocate to upstairs... to my space... to bed. I queue up the work phone again, answer a call, do a little more with work and ponder how much longer can I do this.
How much longer can I deal with the pain of existing?
The days are a blur and yet the only thing I feel or know is the sadness, the depression, and the desire to let it all go.... I want to disappear.
