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That thing that blows out air (Its a vent!)
7 years ago
This isn't a journal full of coffee sleeve wisdoms. This is pretty much a vent journal because for some reason, my stupid ass brain is throwing all of this shit at me late at night. Like how I'm a stupid piece of shit doing nothing with my life. I know this because I gave up two jobs that could be used to further a career for a stupid job delivering food that doesn't even pay me hourly. I'm just like "Oh! This is a good way to make money quick! Fuck that other shit that I actually had to do something other than drive to make money."
Speaking of which, we hired a new guy and he does literally everything. He'll work in the kitchen, answer phones, wait on dine-ins, deliver, deep clean the restaurant, and works the register. Honestly it's good for the business but at the same time, I feel like I'll just be tossed out because I only typically do half of those things because my boss told me my job is to answer phones and drive. Before you go all "well if that's what he said then you have nothing to worry about," he told the new guy the same thing. So it's like, how long before he finds another guy like him or how long before he just doesn't need me altogether. Why the fuck do I even care so much?
I have no life. I literally sit around on my computer or at a coffee shop until I go to work and then after work I go to bed and do the same fucking thing the next day. What a charming and perfect life, right? And don't go all "some people have it worse" on me, because I'm well aware of that and I feel even more like a piece of shit because I sit here and complain about stuff that *shouldn't* be considered a problem. Well you know What? I will, because I am a piece of shit.
Everyone you ask will say so. What friends do I have? The ones that I don't contact enough let alone at all? The ones who I make plans with and cancel last minute because of stupid shit like anxiety or something? The ones where i unintentionally sound like a self centered asshole because im trying to relate to them or to their situation? (Yes thats a thing someone told me, sorry for ruining your life btw!) I always think that id just be better off alone, and at the same time its my greatest fear. But for some stupid reason I push people away and put up these walls that keep people from seeing the real me because everyone would know what I fragile, stupid piece of shit I truly am. (Unless you're reading this journal, in which case. Hi, I'm Anthem. Nice to meet you. Just don't stick around too long because I don't want to ruin your life too.)
I mean seriously, who the fuck am I, all the meaningless relationships I've been in, all the people I cared about that I hurt, all the people who wasted their time on me, all the fucked up shit that I've done... I'm disgusted to even fucking call myself a human in existence. It seems like every direction I turn I just end up hurting people or annoying people I care about. Left and right, causing nothing but pain. Speaking of which I'm too fucking lazy to fucking do anything that needs to be done. Such as going to the doctor, scheduling appointments, taking meds, eating, etc. There have been days where I had a cup of coffee and no food. (Priorities, right?) Not just because I forget to (which is most of the time) but because I fucking hate my body. Like I'm fucking huge and I don't deserve love from anyone. :p seriously though, I probably have the poorest self image possible. I wake up, look in the mirror and think to myself, "man, you are a fat, miserable, ugly pile of shit. No wonder no one likes you or wants you around." The one thing I haven't done in a long time is self harm (I have no intention on going back to that, but I'm not gonna say it hasn't ever crossed my mind again, meds are making those instances fewer and fewer.) So that's one thing I should be proud of I guess? All I know is, posting this journal might have been a mistake and I may delete it later, but I needed to get all of that shit out somehow... thanks for listening.
We will hopefully resume your regularly scheduled coffee sleeve positivity tomorrow.
Until then, remember that you are loved by someone, no matter how lonely you feel.
With love,
AnthemTheMalamutt
Speaking of which, we hired a new guy and he does literally everything. He'll work in the kitchen, answer phones, wait on dine-ins, deliver, deep clean the restaurant, and works the register. Honestly it's good for the business but at the same time, I feel like I'll just be tossed out because I only typically do half of those things because my boss told me my job is to answer phones and drive. Before you go all "well if that's what he said then you have nothing to worry about," he told the new guy the same thing. So it's like, how long before he finds another guy like him or how long before he just doesn't need me altogether. Why the fuck do I even care so much?
I have no life. I literally sit around on my computer or at a coffee shop until I go to work and then after work I go to bed and do the same fucking thing the next day. What a charming and perfect life, right? And don't go all "some people have it worse" on me, because I'm well aware of that and I feel even more like a piece of shit because I sit here and complain about stuff that *shouldn't* be considered a problem. Well you know What? I will, because I am a piece of shit.
Everyone you ask will say so. What friends do I have? The ones that I don't contact enough let alone at all? The ones who I make plans with and cancel last minute because of stupid shit like anxiety or something? The ones where i unintentionally sound like a self centered asshole because im trying to relate to them or to their situation? (Yes thats a thing someone told me, sorry for ruining your life btw!) I always think that id just be better off alone, and at the same time its my greatest fear. But for some stupid reason I push people away and put up these walls that keep people from seeing the real me because everyone would know what I fragile, stupid piece of shit I truly am. (Unless you're reading this journal, in which case. Hi, I'm Anthem. Nice to meet you. Just don't stick around too long because I don't want to ruin your life too.)
I mean seriously, who the fuck am I, all the meaningless relationships I've been in, all the people I cared about that I hurt, all the people who wasted their time on me, all the fucked up shit that I've done... I'm disgusted to even fucking call myself a human in existence. It seems like every direction I turn I just end up hurting people or annoying people I care about. Left and right, causing nothing but pain. Speaking of which I'm too fucking lazy to fucking do anything that needs to be done. Such as going to the doctor, scheduling appointments, taking meds, eating, etc. There have been days where I had a cup of coffee and no food. (Priorities, right?) Not just because I forget to (which is most of the time) but because I fucking hate my body. Like I'm fucking huge and I don't deserve love from anyone. :p seriously though, I probably have the poorest self image possible. I wake up, look in the mirror and think to myself, "man, you are a fat, miserable, ugly pile of shit. No wonder no one likes you or wants you around." The one thing I haven't done in a long time is self harm (I have no intention on going back to that, but I'm not gonna say it hasn't ever crossed my mind again, meds are making those instances fewer and fewer.) So that's one thing I should be proud of I guess? All I know is, posting this journal might have been a mistake and I may delete it later, but I needed to get all of that shit out somehow... thanks for listening.
We will hopefully resume your regularly scheduled coffee sleeve positivity tomorrow.
Until then, remember that you are loved by someone, no matter how lonely you feel.
With love,
AnthemTheMalamutt
VEN_vengeance
~venvengeance
You know I'm always up to can't with you. :D I think you're pretty cool!
