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A vent about my current life situation.
7 years ago
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Today I got literally no sleep. Not a drop, not an ounce. In the morning I called my uncle, who's my employer where I do electrician work, that I'd prefer not to come in because hard labor doesn't go over too well with no sleep. In return I got a rant, a tirade of how I'm a horrible person for trying to keep my well-being instead of fucking myself up by doing hard labor on no sleep. After that rant I'm not sure if I even have a job right now. It's literally unclear to me. I have no idea.
I tried to explain this to my sister, where she immediately berated me for how dare I try to take a day off when I'm literally falling asleep standing up, and how I 'lost my last job like this' when that's not even remotely true. When I tried to argue that that's not even how I lost my other job she just quipped "Yeah sure whatever" and stomped off.
This isn't the first time this has happened. This is one of several tens of times where she has consistently put me down for what I've done, even if I didn't necessarily do anything completely wrong. Instead of giving an ounce of compassion or sympathy, she decides to stress me out even fucking more.
This isn't a new occurrence, and it's just happened one too many times now to ignore. I want to get out of this godforsaken fucking house. I want to get away from this spaghetti tangled fucking mess that is my family. The downward spiral that's been happening ever since my dad killed himself with a self-induced heroin overdose when I was thirteen. Ever since my mother took to heroin to calm her pain after my dad passed. Ever since my family started to outcast my mother as an unsaveable addict, leaving her with no support. Ever since her boyfriend started to become overintrusive and overrestrictive of her. Ever since I as a 16 year old kid at the time was thrust into the role of the only one who could deal with my mother and take care of her and her problems while I simultaneously tried to juggle high school and keep some semblance of a social life. Ever since I had to move in with my sister because my mother relapsed for the 7th time, now with an alcohol problem, and had to go out of state to a rehab facility again, this time for half a year.
But back the current. Back to what I've been feeling inside for the past year bursting out because of my sister's inability to find a shit to give to me.
I just... As soon as possible want to get out of this fucking house. I don't need the extra stress of my sister constantly being on my back about shit. But with only 300 dollars in my bank account and an uncertain future of work, I don't know what I'm going to fucking do. Best part is, when my sister's mad at me, she refuses to do literally anything for me. Doesn't even consider making food for both of us, even though she's my legal guardian. Even though I do it for her all the time. Plus she gets food from work.
She just acts like a roommate, and I'm just the younger sibling along for the ride trying to fend for my goddamn self with a shitty job with shitty pay and no irl friends while she does yoga every day, is going to a fucking coding camp in a week, and is worrying about what kind of new MacBook she wants to buy. Goes to bars with her friends all the fucking time to get drunk and play games, gets food at expensive places and invites people over for our roommate to make damn near gourmet food while I wonder if the leftovers will last for a few days. Stays at her boyfriend's house all the time and does fuck if I know while I sit here wondering what kind of food I can make with bread and mustard.
I like to think that I'm pretty privileged because I have a house and a computer and a Switch. And I've just been trying to appreciate the fact I can drink soda and be on the computer without a limit unlike some. But I don't know how much longer I can keep up this fucking façade of 'my life is fine' before my depression starts to set in. Because everyone around me is doing great, has all sorts of new stuff, can afford to get some fucking snacks as well as groceries. But I'm sitting many days trying to think if I should spend another 20 dollars on Chinese food or eat boxed Mac and cheese with no butter for the third day in a row. Not because my sister is poor, but because she literally doesn't want to go to the grocery store.
If I try to do anything for myself I'm told I can't handle it, and if I ask for help, I'm told that I can do it myself because I'm an adult. An adult that never learned how to be at a job because I went from high school in my mom's care to having to fend for my goddamn self within the span of a few weeks. And all I can possibly hope for, all can possibly do, is wait. Wait for every single element that's out of my control to change, and then I might have some semblance of a chance to have a life.
I don't know what to do right now.
I really don't.
If you made it this far without skipping, I seriously, dearly thank you.
If you skipped through, or just didn't read, I also completely understand, and do not blame you. It's quite the essay.
But I do ask you right at least skim through to see where I'm at right now. The situation I'm tangled up in and can't escape.
I need help. In any way possible. Any kind words you can spare. Any sympathy, empathy, similar situations. Any advice on how to get out of this fucking rut. Even money if you want, but I in no way at all expect any, and that's fine. Just literally anything at all to get me out of here.
Thank you for reading. Thank you so much.
I tried to explain this to my sister, where she immediately berated me for how dare I try to take a day off when I'm literally falling asleep standing up, and how I 'lost my last job like this' when that's not even remotely true. When I tried to argue that that's not even how I lost my other job she just quipped "Yeah sure whatever" and stomped off.
This isn't the first time this has happened. This is one of several tens of times where she has consistently put me down for what I've done, even if I didn't necessarily do anything completely wrong. Instead of giving an ounce of compassion or sympathy, she decides to stress me out even fucking more.
This isn't a new occurrence, and it's just happened one too many times now to ignore. I want to get out of this godforsaken fucking house. I want to get away from this spaghetti tangled fucking mess that is my family. The downward spiral that's been happening ever since my dad killed himself with a self-induced heroin overdose when I was thirteen. Ever since my mother took to heroin to calm her pain after my dad passed. Ever since my family started to outcast my mother as an unsaveable addict, leaving her with no support. Ever since her boyfriend started to become overintrusive and overrestrictive of her. Ever since I as a 16 year old kid at the time was thrust into the role of the only one who could deal with my mother and take care of her and her problems while I simultaneously tried to juggle high school and keep some semblance of a social life. Ever since I had to move in with my sister because my mother relapsed for the 7th time, now with an alcohol problem, and had to go out of state to a rehab facility again, this time for half a year.
But back the current. Back to what I've been feeling inside for the past year bursting out because of my sister's inability to find a shit to give to me.
I just... As soon as possible want to get out of this fucking house. I don't need the extra stress of my sister constantly being on my back about shit. But with only 300 dollars in my bank account and an uncertain future of work, I don't know what I'm going to fucking do. Best part is, when my sister's mad at me, she refuses to do literally anything for me. Doesn't even consider making food for both of us, even though she's my legal guardian. Even though I do it for her all the time. Plus she gets food from work.
She just acts like a roommate, and I'm just the younger sibling along for the ride trying to fend for my goddamn self with a shitty job with shitty pay and no irl friends while she does yoga every day, is going to a fucking coding camp in a week, and is worrying about what kind of new MacBook she wants to buy. Goes to bars with her friends all the fucking time to get drunk and play games, gets food at expensive places and invites people over for our roommate to make damn near gourmet food while I wonder if the leftovers will last for a few days. Stays at her boyfriend's house all the time and does fuck if I know while I sit here wondering what kind of food I can make with bread and mustard.
I like to think that I'm pretty privileged because I have a house and a computer and a Switch. And I've just been trying to appreciate the fact I can drink soda and be on the computer without a limit unlike some. But I don't know how much longer I can keep up this fucking façade of 'my life is fine' before my depression starts to set in. Because everyone around me is doing great, has all sorts of new stuff, can afford to get some fucking snacks as well as groceries. But I'm sitting many days trying to think if I should spend another 20 dollars on Chinese food or eat boxed Mac and cheese with no butter for the third day in a row. Not because my sister is poor, but because she literally doesn't want to go to the grocery store.
If I try to do anything for myself I'm told I can't handle it, and if I ask for help, I'm told that I can do it myself because I'm an adult. An adult that never learned how to be at a job because I went from high school in my mom's care to having to fend for my goddamn self within the span of a few weeks. And all I can possibly hope for, all can possibly do, is wait. Wait for every single element that's out of my control to change, and then I might have some semblance of a chance to have a life.
I don't know what to do right now.
I really don't.
If you made it this far without skipping, I seriously, dearly thank you.
If you skipped through, or just didn't read, I also completely understand, and do not blame you. It's quite the essay.
But I do ask you right at least skim through to see where I'm at right now. The situation I'm tangled up in and can't escape.
I need help. In any way possible. Any kind words you can spare. Any sympathy, empathy, similar situations. Any advice on how to get out of this fucking rut. Even money if you want, but I in no way at all expect any, and that's fine. Just literally anything at all to get me out of here.
Thank you for reading. Thank you so much.
I've had my share of sleep troubles. There were nights during nursing school that I got literally no sleep. Sometimes more than one night in a row. I still went in, because I felt I had no choice--the attendance policy was very strict, and ultimately even if I did stay home, I'd have to make up the hours and there was a good chance I'd just be sleepless again when that time came. I learned that I function surprisingly well without sleep, though the emotional toll on me is great.
For a good while I pitied myself for my insomnia. But I started to notice that once in a while other people would mention their own situation, and I realized that I wasn't the only one. Lots of people were having sleep problems, they just kept it to themselves usually. Though it doesn't make the experience any more pleasant, I knew I wasn't the only one.
I'm still not sure how to feel about it all. Is it a tragedy that so many people face this problem? Or should I just get over it and deal with it like everyone else seems to? Medically, sleep is very important and the American lifestyle doesn't value it as it ought to--but I can't change that myself, and worrying about lost sleep just makes things worse. I doubt any of that is helpful, but that's my experience.
Your family situation sounds difficult. It seems to me that you will have to take charge of your life and strike out on your own to get to a better situation, difficult though that may be. I don't know exactly how old you are, what resources you have, nor what sort of marketable skills you've got. (Or even for sure what country you're in, now that I think about it.) The specific steps will depend a lot on details that I don't have, but it all boils down to the fact that above all else, independence hinges on your ability to support yourself financially. Figuring out a realistic plan to reach that goal is the first step.
As for being an adult, that's something you learn by doing. Or at least I did. Asking for advice or guidance is okay, though it sounds like the people you've been asking haven't been very helpful. You will have to take initiative and do things yourself, but don't let them convince you that you have to stumble blindly as you go.
I haven't finish my hight school's studies, and I absolutely don't know where da hell I'm goin' to work XD
Still live in the parent's house, still don't have a proper CV and still don't have any idea of future studies.
AWE...SOME... And in plus, our country is kind of messy those days, and this will not change tomorrow.
So don't worry bud ! What you need is rest first... And second : you need something to motivate ya. Seems like quit the parent's home is a good motivation, so what you have to do is = be a man and fight ! (No, don't go in night clubs for hitting faces for money, don't...)