I've been kind of lurking for the past year, buying commissions and supporting fellow artists, but overall not doing a whole heck of a lot for myself.

I used to draw things daily but I think I've been going through a lot of emotional trauma for literally the entirety of my 20's. A lot in my life has changed, a lot more things to think about and to reflect on. A lot I didn't realize about myself that has surfaced a lot of anxiety.

I talk like I know exactly what's wrong with me but I really don't know. I guess I'm just rambling.

The point is I don't like drawing anymore. It's not fun. All I have to look forward to when creating my own art is just a lot of negative feelings. It feels as if stabbing myself in the gut would be a fucking relief compared to drawing.

Yet here I am, wishing I knew how to kind of get past this. I do miss it. I miss the feeling I had when I wasn't anxious about everything I did, when I wasn't so stubborn and self-critical.

Lately people have been telling me I should get back into it. That the feelings I'm having will never go away. That I just have to embrace it and power through it. Don't think, just draw; Don't stop, just go.

I wish I was strong enough. This is really hard.

At least I'm still a part of a wonderful and open community with some of the most amazing friends I've ever had the pleasure of meeting. As long as I have them I think I'll be okay. But in the meantime I just wanted to spew all this nonsense out. Thanks everyone for support and for reading this. I really appreciate it!