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d e p r e s s i o n .
7 years ago
I am depressed
No, its not my cry for help. No, I'm not suicidal.
I'm depressed.
Its an emotional overwhealming dark cloud that blocks my vision.
Its the brick wall standing in the way of my path.
As an average person I should be able to wake up to my alarm with ease,
throw on my pyjamas for the morning, grab a shower, brush out my hair,
brush my teeth, get ready for the day and make myself look presentable.
But.
I can't.
See, depression stands in the way of all of that.
I will turn off my alarm 5-6 times before I can actually find the "motivation" to wake up.
I am groggy eyed and find it difficult to move. Just simply sitting up in the bed is hard.
I have to force myself to chug a bottle of water so I can simply make my mind awake.
Then i stumble out of bed and try to find pyjamas, 7 dirty pairs are scattered across the bedroom floor, that I havent picked up in over 2 months.
I pick up the same pair I always use and go to the washroom.
I dont look in the mirror before taking my son to school at 9am.. I simply don't care.
I am so unmotivated and tired from getting my son ready, that I dont have energy to get myself ready, or make myself food.
So i get fastfood-
as always.
I sit back home and I eat the fast food as if I've never eaten before. I over eat. As always.
I want as much possible time to myself as I can possibly get before heading to work.
"15 minutes, then I'll get ready."
"20 minutes, then I'll get ready."
"ok.. 30 more minutes, then I'll get ready."
"just 5 more minutes"
Before you know it, Its 11:40, and I have 20 minutes to get to work, although its an hour drive.
My mind is scattered and forgetful. Forgetting vital things like passports, t4 slips, even silly things like the lighter and cigarette i was just holding. I take an extremely rushed 5 minutes of my day to get myself dressed, spray the cologne, deoderant, pack bag, and leave.
Again, not caring about my appearence.
I'm late, again.
I walk into work as if I havent had a shower in a week. And , they're probably right.
I sit down and work, and I work hard. I keep my mind busy. I do what I love to do. I keep my mind so busy I forget to eat. Sometimes I simply can't afford to eat, but most of the time, I forget.
At the end of the day I sit in my car and light a cigarette.
I over eat. Getting fast food on the way home.
I drive an hour home.
I want time to myself.
I need to work and keep myself busy - or sit in my own thoughts.
"I'll work for an hour, and then do laundry."
"Ahh just another 20 minutes, then I should probably shower"
"ah 1 more hour, I'm almost done this piece"
"I wont have time for laundry, but maybe I can brush my hair before bed"
I tie up my hair and stumble to bed at 3am.
Depression for me, is... a constant cycle of "I dont have time"
The time I'm so desperate for, is simply just me trying to re-collect myself over what other people call -everyday tasks- I call -Mountains of Work-
Simply getting up and putting on nice clean clothes and getting your hair ready and smelling nice and making sure you are well kept, is an incredibly hard job for someone with depression. (well, for me anyway. theres different types..)
INCREDIBLY HARD.
Making sure daily tasks like :
-tidy up garbage
-clean up clothing off floor
-organize paperwork
-eat healthy lunch
is not something a depressed person can do with ease.
Being depressed is like a 20 THOUSAND FOOT black brick wall in your path,
and in order to do the task,
you must first climb 20 thousand feet up this wall,
once you get to the other side,
after spending 6 months climbing,
you are way too tired and unmotivated, exhausted and short of breath to do the task you wanted.
"Its so easy, just stop being lazy"
"Stop procrastinating , you always procrastinate"
"Always leaving everything until last minute *shakes head*"
"Hows that diet going?"
"You have to drink more water"
"Work out every single day"
I know you wont understand.
I don't expect you to.
But if someone out there does,
anyone...
I hope this impacts you in some way.
I'm sorry.
No, its not my cry for help. No, I'm not suicidal.
I'm depressed.
Its an emotional overwhealming dark cloud that blocks my vision.
Its the brick wall standing in the way of my path.
As an average person I should be able to wake up to my alarm with ease,
throw on my pyjamas for the morning, grab a shower, brush out my hair,
brush my teeth, get ready for the day and make myself look presentable.
But.
I can't.
See, depression stands in the way of all of that.
I will turn off my alarm 5-6 times before I can actually find the "motivation" to wake up.
I am groggy eyed and find it difficult to move. Just simply sitting up in the bed is hard.
I have to force myself to chug a bottle of water so I can simply make my mind awake.
Then i stumble out of bed and try to find pyjamas, 7 dirty pairs are scattered across the bedroom floor, that I havent picked up in over 2 months.
I pick up the same pair I always use and go to the washroom.
I dont look in the mirror before taking my son to school at 9am.. I simply don't care.
I am so unmotivated and tired from getting my son ready, that I dont have energy to get myself ready, or make myself food.
So i get fastfood-
as always.
I sit back home and I eat the fast food as if I've never eaten before. I over eat. As always.
I want as much possible time to myself as I can possibly get before heading to work.
"15 minutes, then I'll get ready."
"20 minutes, then I'll get ready."
"ok.. 30 more minutes, then I'll get ready."
"just 5 more minutes"
Before you know it, Its 11:40, and I have 20 minutes to get to work, although its an hour drive.
My mind is scattered and forgetful. Forgetting vital things like passports, t4 slips, even silly things like the lighter and cigarette i was just holding. I take an extremely rushed 5 minutes of my day to get myself dressed, spray the cologne, deoderant, pack bag, and leave.
Again, not caring about my appearence.
I'm late, again.
I walk into work as if I havent had a shower in a week. And , they're probably right.
I sit down and work, and I work hard. I keep my mind busy. I do what I love to do. I keep my mind so busy I forget to eat. Sometimes I simply can't afford to eat, but most of the time, I forget.
At the end of the day I sit in my car and light a cigarette.
I over eat. Getting fast food on the way home.
I drive an hour home.
I want time to myself.
I need to work and keep myself busy - or sit in my own thoughts.
"I'll work for an hour, and then do laundry."
"Ahh just another 20 minutes, then I should probably shower"
"ah 1 more hour, I'm almost done this piece"
"I wont have time for laundry, but maybe I can brush my hair before bed"
I tie up my hair and stumble to bed at 3am.
Depression for me, is... a constant cycle of "I dont have time"
The time I'm so desperate for, is simply just me trying to re-collect myself over what other people call -everyday tasks- I call -Mountains of Work-
Simply getting up and putting on nice clean clothes and getting your hair ready and smelling nice and making sure you are well kept, is an incredibly hard job for someone with depression. (well, for me anyway. theres different types..)
INCREDIBLY HARD.
Making sure daily tasks like :
-tidy up garbage
-clean up clothing off floor
-organize paperwork
-eat healthy lunch
is not something a depressed person can do with ease.
Being depressed is like a 20 THOUSAND FOOT black brick wall in your path,
and in order to do the task,
you must first climb 20 thousand feet up this wall,
once you get to the other side,
after spending 6 months climbing,
you are way too tired and unmotivated, exhausted and short of breath to do the task you wanted.
"Its so easy, just stop being lazy"
"Stop procrastinating , you always procrastinate"
"Always leaving everything until last minute *shakes head*"
"Hows that diet going?"
"You have to drink more water"
"Work out every single day"
I know you wont understand.
I don't expect you to.
But if someone out there does,
anyone...
I hope this impacts you in some way.
I'm sorry.
Yea. Thanks.
I don't have much to say, other than hang in there,, oh and see your Dr.
I would, but I won't take the meds, because I also have anxiety about side effects, and having to stop taking the ones that keep me mobile and the pain at least vaguely manageable.
So yeah, I understand, just be kind to yourself.
One is something called 'unfuck your habitat' and its an app that sets you little tasks to do about the house, and if you need something to help give you that push, it can be quite useful.
The other is 'flylady' now while I don't buy into the religious shit that seems to go with it, the principle of only doing things in 15 minutes sessions works for me. Everytime I do 15 minutes of housework, i'll reward myself with 30 minutes of doing nothing, resting, watching tv...etc. Now you don't have to do 15 minutes, you can start as low as you like, so 5 minutes. Sometimes just doing one little job that you've been ignoring can help.
I can visualize this so well from what you've written. I hope this cloud passes for you, at least in part. I really do.
For what its worth, know that you are not alone when it comes to this.
I recently (and randomly) started feeling better and I believe that you will too.
Keep fighting.