you dont have to read this.


i feel like im fuckin loosing it. there is just way to many things going on, and my mind is screaming and sleep is a sporadic nightmare veiled as a gift, ive not left my bed in days and i almost considered getting a piss bottle for myself today just to avoid getting up. i picked up a pot of rice the other day with my bad hand and now its in furious pain. sewed my wrist brace tighter to keep my hand even more still. money my god, i prostate myself before the computer and labor for its blessing of bounty. silence is deafening in my head, my thoughts are going faster than i can take. every morning my pillow reeks with sour anxiety sweat, i spray it because it will take too much time for me to gather the willpower to wash it properly, but today im gonna do it. i cant clean the thoughts in my head so ill instead clean and make order around me with tidyness and scented bullshit. damn this physical body that requires food and drink, headaches and dizzyness the prompt to finnaly get up and consume. it feels like a chore, i spend a few days working up the energy to go shower, can of dry shampoo my savior. im going to laundry today. im going to clean today. im going to vaccum today. scented candles giving me the illusion of peace and cleanliness, ill burn that wick to its metal base core. i dont want to sleep, im tired. i dont want to sleep im tired. i want to sleep, i cant. i keep getting raped in my nightmares, and i wake up to feel the cold clammy hands still grabbing me, forcing my body to dance a loathed rhythm. i feel my muscles ache from clenching from dream injuries. my body remembering the glass shards that were never there, but the pain is. my dreams want to kill me, and in wake i almost wish i could let them. therapist i dont know how to intake..her conflicting messages confuse the chaos even more. i dont know what to do, and now im confused about what to do about not knowing what to do. you shouldnt have to pay for suffering. im not recovering and i feel guilt. im wasting the time of anyone whos supported me, i want to say thats the depression talking. but is it??surely everyones getting tired of me by now, eventualy they want results. i dont give results, i give failure. i cant do this for long, i cant be like this. composure is most important, dont be like this for too long. bleed out the suffering fast and discreetly, patch up. and put on your sweater. the long sleeves stained on the inside and crusty from flakey scabs, it itches. god it itches. fake it till you make it, have your little breakdown. make it quick, but get back to life. it wont wait for you, there are no breaks. im just word vomiting, because puke makes you feel better right? when your sick and you dont feel well you hurl, and then you feel better. or at least less sick. so im gonna let my brain vomit as much as i can. id rather not do it here but if i just wrote it out and deleted it it would feel like a dry heave, and nobody likes puking only to get nothing out. sorry im puking on you, i just went back up and gave a warning not to read this, there. maybe that will be enough so i can say i tried to spare some readers. i swear im not usualy this unstable, too many things happening at once. im usualy better than this. better at coping. im getting bad, and i went off my depression meds for a short time, so i need a few more weeks to work it back into my system. i hope ill calm down then, im just one person. i can only do so much of this. i hate myself when i break down this way, ive been damaged for a long time i feel like i should be better at this by now.



TL:DR - you dont want to read it.

plus side tho, doctor gave me pain pills today so maybe i can draw now?? a teeny victory, ill take it.




also, gonna try some kinda online mock jury job?? takes two days to be approved, will see what happens