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I have never felt this angry in my life..![VENT/RANT]
7 years ago
Just a quick heads up, I've started writing this journal and barely started it until now. This is likely trivial
So I just got off from vacation from D.C. and while I was relaxing my dad called "Just to check up"
My mother was on the phone and I guess dad called first. When I came out of the room from my nap I found her on the phone and she told me that he'll leave a call over the weekend. I was pissed because I didn't want to have anything to do with him after what he's done to me. I told her why where we had an argument about him as a father. And when she addressed it to him he "Doesn't remember it" or "has forgotten it" I was even more pissed because I was there when he set me up on a guilt trip. I refused to talk to my dad when she tried to get me to and for that I don't like saying this but I want to lose respect for her because she's basically owning up to someone who can't even own up to himself. That kind of person I believe is not or no longer worth my time.
What he did wrong was that he made me feel real bad over something trivial. I was there and experienced each and every painful and insufferable second of it. It was over a doughnut and when he asked if I could buy us a doughnut I looked uncomfortable because of past experiences that I had to put up with him.
Whenever I try to express how I feel, communicate, or address how I feel I don't like, he would either:
Say that I'm calling him out for being way older than me
Or calling him stupid
Or refer to something that I did that's largely irrelevant or something trivial which would lead into a bit of an argument
Either of which is pretty irrelevant and disrespectful.
It's been a long time last he did those and don't remember what I was addressing specifically. I just know I had to deal with his petty Bullshit from when I was younger and it sucked more or less. I didn't know how to deal with it in addition. So the memories' kind of rusty.
By the time we went to the doughnut shop, he was already making me feel bad for it. My face was already facing away during the session. Strangely he didn't take it out on the cashier when he was upset about it but when we got to his car, I'll never forget what he did and made me feel because he took a doughnut right in front of me and but it to get a rise out of me before he drove me back to the airport to drop me off since it was the end of vacation(I was in Los Angeles for my sister and family for almost a week) and he still went on. At one point we were at the intersection in the traffic and when he sneezed I check to see if he was okay(We were going to do Christmas shopping after he finished his shift and instead I had to help look out for him because he got sick and didn't zip up his jacket. We could have done the Xmas shopping at the time if he had zip up his jacket) What I got in return was that he told me that I was just faking. I was already called cheap and that I wouldn't help him if he was drowning. When we finally got to the airport I just wanted to leave and when I tried he barked my name where he wanted a hug. At that point I felt really hurt but I didn't resist as my will was weak s I gave it to him. When I got back to Florida, he called to check if I made it back as if the fall out didn't happen.
I'm just frustrated. Frustrated that he couldn't own up to what he did to me as well as himself. It was fucked up. He never apologized or made up for what he has done to me. He's the reason why I invest my time with other things as well as work on pursuing good things. If I was in his shoes I would have taken better responsibility and make a wholehearted apology. He didn't do that and just goes about his own way and by how he sees things having looked back.
You want to know the funny thing? He claims to be a Christian and an optimist and at one point, and that every day is Christmas day because he's thankful and I his mom has passed away from Diabetes(Which sucks).
I've made mistakes. Mistakes I didn't even want to look back. But given that I've came a long way, I have learned to have some humility and apologize especially when the opportunity is there.
Also I like to point out that there;s bettering yourself as a human being and then just putting over a white coat over what's not really that much of a pretty sight.
I try telling my mom that he's not worth my time for what he's done and what he has not done but she still insist that I should because he's the only father that I have and he's related. To me there's nothing and I don't know if him being dead to me is the best way to describe.
I also learned one of the harshest lessons of my life. Some related family members aren't always any better even as they seem.
My personal experience with family has always led to "if you can't respect me then we have nothing to talk about" especially in regards to my own father. But at the end of the day family is family.
Playing Dabura's Advocate here for a moment, I think your mom was trying to get you to understand that you may hate your father for what he's done but at the end of the day he's still your father.
NOW MIND YOU THIS BY NO MEANS EXCUSES HIS ACTIONS WHATSOEVER and if your mom wants to "defend" those actions to an extent thats her choice. As it is your choice not to accept those actions. It's also our choice to pretty much write your father out of your life and thats completely understandable. But at the same time, as long as he walks this earth he's still going to be your father. As i said, Family is Family and Blood is Blood.
My suggestion is that you sit down with your mom when things between you and her have cooled down a bit and you calmly explain to her, your feelings, why you feel these things, and try to get her to understand that its your right to feel these things, not as their child but as a human being. And even so as an adult your parents can't force you to speak to anyone. if your dad tries to call again or tries to talk through proxy of someone else, you have the right to hang up and just ignore any other advances.
Personally i get where you're coming from and i sympathize 100%. I've been there, I'm still there with my own family. But at the end of the day, it all comes down to choices and feelings and how they're expressed in that moment. I think it may help to take a day to simmer down and then try to talk it out without any sort of flared up emotions.
I've argued why own up to someone that can't even pick up after himself? I already explained how I would do if I was ever in his place.
And you have a point that he'll always be my biological father. If I have to own up to him for the sake of tradition of some kind of fashion then It's largely dead to me due to what I have had faced and what I've learned about my family's history.
And because of him, I believe that family comes from loyalty. Not by blood. But that doesn't mean I grieve blood-related families because not everyone of them are bad and that would be kind of cynical.
I believe in family, love, respect, and kindness very much. But not when they're taken for granted. That's selfish and disrespectful but most importantly it can break some things apart more or less and leave a dent or a bad mark as I usually describe.
Also no matter what anyone says, family doesn't matter. Who we share blood with is trivial at best. You heaving simaler DNA doesn't mean you owe him anything, and it doesn't make him any better. (Or worse.)
If your mo. gives you greef tell her to fuck off.
The idea of anyone including parents having power over you sully because of your birth is silly at best. If they give you orders that you know are harmful, you must deify said orders.