It seems oddly significant. On October 5th, I turned 30 and I just... broke down. I felt like my life really wasn't amounting to anything, and as much as I try to lead a hedonistic lifestyle it is still really hard to escape the pressures of society and what is deemed a "successful" existence. I feel into a pretty deep valley of depression, and I withdrew from the world. Losing some very important family members in the last year or so hasn't helped, and I'm just reminded that as I get older this will keep happening. I stopped seeing people or bothering with social events, and my online presence nearly evaporated completely; I think I weakened a lot of relationships, even when they "understood". I did things to myself that I'm not proud of, and while not a new thing in my life it still scares me that I know full well what's going on and I just... don't care sometimes.

The whole situation was a symptom really, not a cause, exacerbating things I feel on a daily basis. I believe I am on an upswing of sorts however, as far as this is concerned anyway. Time stops for no one, and I have internalized that in its own cruel way. I've been working on forcing myself back out there, and rebuilding some of what I neglected to nurture.

I figure I would take this day to finally, actually accept that this particular milestone has passed and perhaps even celebrate that I've left my twenties behind me. Its a small thing, in the grand scheme of it all, but I should take my victories where I can. Chronic depression is a struggle enough as it is, time to let this go.

So,
happy birthday to me.