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What's even the point?
7 years ago
General
I feel rather overwhelmed with how often I failed to do art for people's birthdays while also having trouble with study work lately. I come up with ideas for birthday gift art that I think are absolutely amazing, but once I start to work on it I realize how slow I am and that what I have in mind is far past my ability to draw.
I find that study is doing nothing for me but fill me with more and more anxiety. The amount of times I failed things weights more on me than any successes I make ever will. As if I failed long ago and I'm just continuing on because there's no turning back. Students I sat next to long done with their bachelor and I only remain. The loser, worthless. What would a bachelor degree even mean considering how long I took to get it?
I noticed I take longer and longer pauses before getting back to work, doing nothing productive most of the day. Probably since putting effort into it is guaranteed to not make others think any better of me or value me more. Art on the other hand, people are always nice to me when it comes to art. I'm not sure but it feels like study is meant to make me hate everything I ever liked. As a child I loved the idea of working in a laboratory, now thanks to my study with it's impossible deadlines I absolutely hate lab work, nothing I do is ever good enough, so why put effort into it when people treat you like shit? Only for some numbers to roll out that say if you finished a class with a high enough grade or not?'
I keep on working because I have to, not because I like to, never because I like to and I feel like that's fundamentally flawed.
In the end however there's a demand of micro-biologists and absolutely none for artist.
I hope to become a amazing artists myself, but it wouldn't have any value whatsoever, economically you're just considered trash.
The world is just shit like that, I hate it.
I find that study is doing nothing for me but fill me with more and more anxiety. The amount of times I failed things weights more on me than any successes I make ever will. As if I failed long ago and I'm just continuing on because there's no turning back. Students I sat next to long done with their bachelor and I only remain. The loser, worthless. What would a bachelor degree even mean considering how long I took to get it?
I noticed I take longer and longer pauses before getting back to work, doing nothing productive most of the day. Probably since putting effort into it is guaranteed to not make others think any better of me or value me more. Art on the other hand, people are always nice to me when it comes to art. I'm not sure but it feels like study is meant to make me hate everything I ever liked. As a child I loved the idea of working in a laboratory, now thanks to my study with it's impossible deadlines I absolutely hate lab work, nothing I do is ever good enough, so why put effort into it when people treat you like shit? Only for some numbers to roll out that say if you finished a class with a high enough grade or not?'
I keep on working because I have to, not because I like to, never because I like to and I feel like that's fundamentally flawed.
In the end however there's a demand of micro-biologists and absolutely none for artist.
I hope to become a amazing artists myself, but it wouldn't have any value whatsoever, economically you're just considered trash.
The world is just shit like that, I hate it.
Overall I just get the message that I just didn't do my best enough. I still wonder how people can keep their life going so smoothly, probably having a outgoing life and everything all next to their study and I struggle with the study alone. I wonder about the same thing when it comes to art, I always wanted this perfect day where I finish all study work for the day, fitness regularly through the week and also get to work on my art. It seems so simple for others so why can't I do it? At least that's what I think considering how study work is planned in.