So this is gonna be a bit hard to write (hell, I feel like I've been saying this a lot and I always feel bad, but anyway) but this is an ongoing problem I've had for about two years now. I wasn't sure where to go or who to talk to, so I felt it better to scream out into the void than to continue holding it in anymore. I'm probably going to lose a few watchers in the process, because those familiar with what I'm talking about are, well.. whatever.

I've been free of my last relationship for about two years now and there's still one thing that still haunts me about it to this very day. Back when we were dating, he and I had very similar friends. We'd all talk on voice comms, over Telegram, play games, and generally be buddies. I used to draw art for a lot of these friends because, well.. they were friends and that's what friends do, right? I've done it since I was 16 and still new on Deviantart and I continued doing it even when my art got better because it's a nice thing to do.

Then during the last couple months of our relationship, something changed and I don't know what. He came up to me and told me to stop drawing art for people. He said it was unfair because it allowed me to grow faster and deeper connections than he could. He said he couldn't draw and that pretty much meant I shouldn't either. I stopped drawing for several months, or if I did, it would always look terrible and I'd just fall into a depressive state. It was the one thing I loved doing the most and to have someone who you think loves you the most to be the most discouraging person in your life... well.. it's heartbreaking.

It's been about a year and a half since then and I should probably be over it, but I'm not. Every time I see him in a group or chatting in a stream, I keep thinking back on that moment and I just feel nothing but discouragement. Any time I make a new friend and think about drawing something for them because it'd be fun or just because they'd like it, I keep thinking back to him and I worry he'll see it. Just a constant fear that maybe he'll show up in a sort of 'I told you so' moment. In some ways I feel as though I have to prove something, as though me being able to draw for someone isn't my only redeeming quality. Then I think back on all the friendships I've lost and I worry that maybe he was right.

My three year relationship had a few good times and many many MANY bad ones (Anyone who's been a roommate of ours can attest to that) but still the worst thing to come out of those three years was this. He hit me where it hurt and it crippled me. I'm getting better, but the pain still lingers and I can only pray that it'll go away soon.

I don't know if anyone's going to read this whole thing, but if you did, I laud you. If you want to talk more about it, all my contact info is on my fA.

This isn't a callout post, this is just me venting because I want to get better, not because I want to hurt someone else. I just don't want to feel alone with this pain anymore.

edit: I'll be replying to the comments when I can, I've just been in a bit of a dark place the past couple days since writing this. ;; I wanted to say that all your support means so much to me and I wanted to thank everyone for putting up with my hangups. The healing process is gonna take time, but your support helped me to push past a lot of the insecurities I've been holding onto the past couple of years. Thank you ;;