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Apologies
6 years ago
Hi everybody!
9 months, 13 days 8 hours and two minutes ago I made a mistake that would cost me a lot. In all that time I've done a lot of thinking, waiting and apologizing. I've said it so many times that I've lost count. I've gone over the story numerous times and replayed the scenario countless more in my head. It is probably the single biggest regret in my life, but the longer it goes on it gets easier to be okay with it. It gets easier to understand I did nothing wrong initially There was nothing wrong with that single innocent picture I drew all those months ago, but with the reactions that came thereafter. I should've thought before I acted, and I let my emotions get the best of me.
And yet it's so hard to let go.
The loss of friendships, several best friends among them, is some of the hardest hurdles I've had to push past. That no matter what I say or do that it will all fall upon deaf ears and in the end I've no one to really blame but myself.
I've been healing myself.. slowly. And I will come back to doing art. It's just been hard to be myself when I know it "hurt" a group of people in an irreparable manner.
But they don't care. They don't care about my pain or how I feel. They just move on to their next target that needs calling out while continuing to loathe a larger and larger number of people that don't follow their strict ideals.
I am not a bad person.
I play by the rules, I donate to charity, I volunteer, I give back to my community, I forgive, I'm helpful, and I'm strong for those who need me. I can't keep beating myself up over one mistake.
I thank you for anyone that's still around. I know it's hard just following silence for so long, but I'll be sure to post stuff soon. I don't know if and when I'll be taking commissions, but I'll at least be posting up sketches when I can.
It will be okay.
I'm sorry it took so long, and thank you for reading.
Edit 8/24 10a: sorry if any of the above seemed incoherent or contradictory. It was written in a state of minor sleep deprivation, but that doesn't mean I didn't mean what I said.
I just have another note to add on the subject, and that is I don't condone of minors being put in fetish or strictly 18+ scenarios. I drew what I drew believing fully that a. the scenario wasn't fetishy, and b. the character was over 18. Some perceived as both of these statements to be false, and whether they are right or wrong doesn't change the fact that it could be seen as such. I apologise if I hurt you in any capacity.
A lot of my actions in the two months following were also not of my best decorum. From making an edit to the image to commissioning fetishy art of Ralsei myself, I made myself to be quite the antagonist. I was feeling quite full of myself, and I let that get the better of me. These actions were my own and I'm sorry if I was offensive.
And yet it's so hard to let go.
The loss of friendships, several best friends among them, is some of the hardest hurdles I've had to push past. That no matter what I say or do that it will all fall upon deaf ears and in the end I've no one to really blame but myself.
I've been healing myself.. slowly. And I will come back to doing art. It's just been hard to be myself when I know it "hurt" a group of people in an irreparable manner.
But they don't care. They don't care about my pain or how I feel. They just move on to their next target that needs calling out while continuing to loathe a larger and larger number of people that don't follow their strict ideals.
I am not a bad person.
I play by the rules, I donate to charity, I volunteer, I give back to my community, I forgive, I'm helpful, and I'm strong for those who need me. I can't keep beating myself up over one mistake.
I thank you for anyone that's still around. I know it's hard just following silence for so long, but I'll be sure to post stuff soon. I don't know if and when I'll be taking commissions, but I'll at least be posting up sketches when I can.
It will be okay.
I'm sorry it took so long, and thank you for reading.
Edit 8/24 10a: sorry if any of the above seemed incoherent or contradictory. It was written in a state of minor sleep deprivation, but that doesn't mean I didn't mean what I said.
I just have another note to add on the subject, and that is I don't condone of minors being put in fetish or strictly 18+ scenarios. I drew what I drew believing fully that a. the scenario wasn't fetishy, and b. the character was over 18. Some perceived as both of these statements to be false, and whether they are right or wrong doesn't change the fact that it could be seen as such. I apologise if I hurt you in any capacity.
A lot of my actions in the two months following were also not of my best decorum. From making an edit to the image to commissioning fetishy art of Ralsei myself, I made myself to be quite the antagonist. I was feeling quite full of myself, and I let that get the better of me. These actions were my own and I'm sorry if I was offensive.
You aren't alone in this feeling it really is not an easy one and both you and your thoughts become your worst enemy. One you can't escape no matter how far you run or how hard you try and hide you can't escape yourself. Really my best advice is stick with the friends you still have don't push them away and don't forget you aren't alone you've got peoope that care about you and support you!
I might not know what happened but we all makr mistakes it's part of being human and we can all ask for forgiveness!
You can do something wrong and make a mistake, and be -forgiven- for it. You can make ammends, and working to do that isn't a bad thing at all. If you're genuine in that, you have my support. But, if you truly cared about the people you hurt and about what you did, you wouldn't be saying that you did nothing wrong. You'd acknowledge it, and work to move on from it. And you -can- move on from it, and recover. But not like this.
It took me a period of two months beyond the incident to finally understand that what I did wasn't wrong in my eyes or the eyes of the majority of my peers, but was wrong in theirs, the minority. By the time I came to this conclusion it was too late to repair the damage that had been made. To move beyond myself and to be the bigger person and admit I was wrong and that it wouldn't happen again. It still won't. It's a mistake I will refuse to repeat.
I definitely understand how it's easy to say the wrong thing when it feels like people are calling you something terrible, or that they are accusing you of something you didn't intend.
Hopefully others involved will understand your perspective, as it seems you have tried to understand theirs.
I say keep up with the good art, and to quote Pumba, you gotta put your behind in your past!
*offers a hug*
Hopefully things will get better for you very soon. *hugs*