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I really need to vent
7 years ago
Over the past month or so, things have been changing for me. Not only is my academic life getting more and more difficult with exams and assignments, but my social life is getting more difficult.
Anxiety has been hyperactive and I can't tell if people still care or not. I feel like my friends no longer like me for who I am because they change the way they speak and behave towards me. I would think that my friends would always be there to talk to me, yet I barely get anything of a reply, and at most I have a short lived and once sided conversation with them. Factors like these cause me to conclude that my friends are tired of me and no longer enjoy my company, which only drives me into depression as I question myself physically and mentally, and think that I'm not good enough for them. No matter how much people tell me it's ok, it still feels as if something is wrong, that's there's a piece they're not willing to tell me. They tell me over and over that I'm a good person and that they care, but their actions show otherwise a lot of the time, either that or I just feel like they're lying to me to get me to be okay, which doesn't help at all.
I've been thinking about leaving my friends alone for a while and give them space, letting them love their lives without me for a while. But I don't want to lose my friends because it's so hard for me to leave people I care so much about, despite all they make me feel. I think it's just my fault for feeling this way, and I'm pretty much hurting myself. But I hope that one day things get better for me and for my friends who are behaving differently because of stress or other problems going on in their lives.
I know a lot of this is very abstract and too broad. It makes me feel delusional just writing about it. But so far I'm thinking about getting antidepressants as well as therapy and maybe it'll help sustain me for the rest of my time studying. Maybe I'll get to be more of myself than this depressed version of me that is nowhere near who I am.
Sorry for such a long rant. I just thought id share these words with some people and hopefully gain some insight to my problems and possibly advice.
Thanks for listening. Have a good one.
Anxiety has been hyperactive and I can't tell if people still care or not. I feel like my friends no longer like me for who I am because they change the way they speak and behave towards me. I would think that my friends would always be there to talk to me, yet I barely get anything of a reply, and at most I have a short lived and once sided conversation with them. Factors like these cause me to conclude that my friends are tired of me and no longer enjoy my company, which only drives me into depression as I question myself physically and mentally, and think that I'm not good enough for them. No matter how much people tell me it's ok, it still feels as if something is wrong, that's there's a piece they're not willing to tell me. They tell me over and over that I'm a good person and that they care, but their actions show otherwise a lot of the time, either that or I just feel like they're lying to me to get me to be okay, which doesn't help at all.
I've been thinking about leaving my friends alone for a while and give them space, letting them love their lives without me for a while. But I don't want to lose my friends because it's so hard for me to leave people I care so much about, despite all they make me feel. I think it's just my fault for feeling this way, and I'm pretty much hurting myself. But I hope that one day things get better for me and for my friends who are behaving differently because of stress or other problems going on in their lives.
I know a lot of this is very abstract and too broad. It makes me feel delusional just writing about it. But so far I'm thinking about getting antidepressants as well as therapy and maybe it'll help sustain me for the rest of my time studying. Maybe I'll get to be more of myself than this depressed version of me that is nowhere near who I am.
Sorry for such a long rant. I just thought id share these words with some people and hopefully gain some insight to my problems and possibly advice.
Thanks for listening. Have a good one.
Though I don't know how much help I can be honestly.. but it's the effort that counts! .... Right?