FA+
Shop
Life through the eyes of a Demisexual - Pride Month posting
7 years ago
General
(I do want to preface all of this by saying that this is all MY experience, and nothing here is anything but. I'm not trying to insinuate anything by what I say, other than that is how I feel/felt. Also, I want to mention that this is just MY experience as a Demisexual, I don't expect everyone to have a similar experience, but it's here for those of you that have been confused and had similar issues, maybe you can take something away from it and know that there are others like you that have been dealing with similar issues. This is also not to be taken as an informative post explaining the nuances of demisexuality... it's not. This is just a basic explanation of what it is and how not knowing about it and having no outlet to talk about it really hurt me in the end)
Also, this post will contain talk of a sexual nature. Whilst never EXPLICIT, there will be sex talk.
Often when someone hears the term "Demisexual" they either think of the bland dictionary definition, or they just dismiss it as another "sexuality" that someone made up just to be a special snowflake. First off, I will denounce the latter remark as a simple ignorance of sexuality, and won't really be delving into that, however, I would like to address the "dictionary definition" of Demisexuality, and explain why I believe this is problematic. Mind you, this is not from an actual dictionary, but instead a generic definition that is often seen flying around.
"Demisexual - A person who can only find sexual attraction to someone they have a deep emotional bond with."
This by all mean is not a FALSE definition, as Demisexuals are indeed attracted toward people whom they do have a deep emotional bond. What is problematic is how general and vague this description is. What's important to note is that this is not a choice made by the person, but a "rule" set in place that they simply can't break. Delving into my own experience here, it's like trying to walk through a brick wall... you just stop. You can feel there's something between you and what's on the other side of the wall, but you know you will never get through said wall. What I mean to say is that I am fully aware that when I look at some people that I should feel something. Some sort of attraction, arousal, anything. I should think they're "hot", "sexy", what have you. However, there is something invisible in place keeping me from ever coming into contact with said thoughts.
Now, this might sound like "Asexuality" to those of you that are familiar with the term and definition, however I want to explain that Demisexuality, by it's very root word, means "halfway". In this case Demisexuality is halfway between Sexuality and Asexuality. We still very much enjoy sex... but it's impossible to perform with a stranger, so you'll never see me getting frisky with someone I barely know. The problem this creates (to me at least) is that I can only become sexually involved with friends of mine, therefore, if I want to date, the other person either has to already be an established friend, or the person I would be dating would have to be comfortable being patient as a friend for a while. The same applies for sex in general. I have to get to know you before I can do anything with you, and even then, it's no guarantee. You... can imagine the issues this causes. Datings feel nigh impossible for me.
I will say that speaking online is a completely different story for me. Everything is so much easier to say on the internet, and hell, I can freely say things sexual and act sexual if I wanted to. However, if you meet me in person things change drastically.
I'll keep this simple because the meaning of this post wasn't necessarily to present this as some sort of class agenda, but to give an idea about things before I go on explaining how being Demisexual has affected my life, how it's shaped me, and how I see things differently than other people. I'll just bulletin some main points about Demisexuals that I feel are important to keep in mind.
- We don't CHOOSE to abstain from sex. This isn't some sort of "saving myself for that special someone" sort of deal. We literally CAN'T get aroused with someone whom we don't have that connection with.
- Dating is difficult unless you date an established friend or find someone who is willing to feel like they're friendzone for an unknown period of time...
- We don't see people as "hot" or "attractive", we simply see people. If I had to describe it, pretty much everyone is a 5/10. Average. But it's more accurate to just say that we don't care about looks to the point that we nearly can't.
- We still like sex or at least we don't mind it, and no, we aren't Asexual
- Demisexualism, much like Asexualism (and Sexualism), isn't tied to gender. You can be a demisexual whilst being attracted to anyone, only males, only females, whomever. I myself is am a Demi-Homosexual.
Everything else I feel could apply to me only, so I don't want to include them, I will include all of that information below.
(This is all just me gushing about the things I'm feeling and have felt for the last decade... it's not intended to be spell-checked, jazzed up with interesting words... it's just a grossly snipped down version of my life (or lack of one), that is it!)
Growing up as someone who was homosexual was rough, but I won't say it was ever unbearable. It was mostly the bottling up of my feeling and the essence of who I have always been that ate away at me, little by little, gnawing away at my very core until I came out in 2011, at the age of 25. A HUGE weight was lifted off of my shoulders that day, and I felt a lot better as a person. Over the years, however, I still felt that something was... different about me, but I could never really put that into worse or any sort of clear idea. Those thoughts still mostly persist today, in a way.
My first sexual encounter was with a "friend", moreso someone I was friendly with and met once or twice before. The encounter was not memorable, fun, and was generally awkward and awful. Now, sure, the first time is usually "awkward and strange" many would say... but it wasn't that simple. I felt as if something were off, but I simply could not place it. We did tried it again two more times in the future and to no avail, it all seemed hollow, boring, and generally a letdown. Not only that, but I couldn't get aroused or at the very least even stay hard through the whole ordeal. While the whole thing was terrible, it was also horribly embarrassing for me having been my first time and completely failed in every way.
From that point on I was... still confused but also tended not to do sexual stuff as often. That said, from the same circle of friends that I had found myself beginning that year, I did have a couple encounters with a couple of the guys in the group. These were people who actually chatted with me, got to know me a bit, cuddled up, all that stuff. We actually had conversations that didn't feel forced or superficial. With these two, everything went smoothly, was great, and definitely memorable, a stark contrast before the time before. I still didn't quite understand what the difference was until much later,
I did try dating, and was even with someone for a good while... but I just couldn't understand myself. I really had no idea what was going on and in the end, while everything was great while we were together (and he was great and the relationship was wonderful), I once again was the problem. I didn't know myself, so how could I know someone else? Even at this point I didn't understand what my issues was.
A time or two afterward I tried again, but I was only met with critical questions. "Do you not find me attractive?" "Isn't that just an excuse to not have sex with me?" Once again, what was I to do with this? I couldn't answer the question in my head, and I had no way to respond other than hitting the panic button.
Fast forwarding a bit, I did have a friend try to hook me up with a guy, knowing that I never do anything with anyone, but it simply did not work out. It was sadly a repeat of my first time. While I was embarrassed about my issues at first, this embarrassment changed to self-doubt, shyness, and mild depression. I felt like I couldn't perform, that there was something wrong with me. Could I even be in a relationship at this point? Everything had failed up to the point, and because of me, should I even try? These thoughts did die down for a few years as I ignored thinking about being in a relationship in general but they were always at the back of my mind. I stopped even trying to date. I socially shut myself up and only did anything of a sexual nature with a single friend of mine for a looooong time, a "friend with benefits", if you will. The same person I mostly stick to to this day. The problem being that this put me into this loop where I get frozen with anxiety when it comes to me trying to propose such a thing to someone I might like or to someone I'm close with... it's really decreased my quality of life and made me a stressed and anxious mess of a person.
Me proposing sex, or even just being NAKED with another person (other than a couple VERY specific people) is as hard as an anti-social teenager asking someone out on a date. It's dreadful and a harder task than anyone from the outside can imagine looking in. My body issues, depression, self-acceptance issues, and general self worth issues were rising higher and higher. I come off as calm, cool, and collected on the outside, but there's a war raging on the inside at all times, absolutely fed up with me not living life the way I want to live it... but how could I when I still don't have the answers? This was about the time that I started reading about Demisexuality (and it was a very randomly found article, to be honest). After reading about it and how other people that identified as such felt, I realized that I too had the same issues. While knowing this was great, it didn't help any of the image issues I already had. Add onto this friends and others saying "You're just too picky, you're never going to find a guy"... it's not so easy to explain that you're not picky, and that you wish you were because then at least you'd have the choice.
Fast forward to today... or about a month ago. Still single, haven't tried dating, too afraid to mention anything of a sexual nature to anyone but one person outside of my "friend with benefits", even anyone saying anything blatantly sexual to me, especially proposing something (even a close friend that I would totally do something with) makes my heart pound, my mind race, and fills me with anxiety. Something that most people desire, scares the shit out of me now in all but the most special of cases. I've wanted to propose things with friends, but can't (I'm talking about face to face here, not over the internet), there's so many things I've wanted to do with people I deeply trust and past experiences have made it so I'm so deathly shy and nervous that I don't know if I can even do it... after my dog and companion of ten years passed away, I realized that he was the glue that was really holding me together, and mixed with everything that was bubbling up, that's when things got a bit dicey...
Last night everything flared up pretty badly before more or less dissipating the next day. My depression was at some of the worst I had ever experienced, I thought about my life, thinking about how I will never be in a relationship, how no one will ever understand how I feel, how I will always be alone. All of the anxiety I was feeling, self-deprecating thoughts, and sense of worthlessness were coming to a head. I felt like I had no worth in this world, and for the very first time, suicide was on my mind as more than a side-thought. Mind you this is something I thought would never happen. I snapped out of that quite quickly, but the fact that it ever crossed my mind terrifies me. It's too late to just do some magic and make all my problems just disappear, but I now know that all of these issues are due to me being "demisexual" and not knowing what to do with all of those pent up feelings and the overflowing frustration and not even knowing myself. One major thing happens and the house of cards just falls to the ground. Even though I already identified as demisexual, it took me this long to really understand how it's affected me. I've had to dig deep within myself to see things from a different angle.
I'm... slowly trying to work my way through the meters and meters of gunk and filth that are my feelings and emotions and get to the point where I can at least be comfortable with myself. I understand more about what makes me tick now, and while it's not a cure-all, it's something that I can work with. That said, I have to take some pretty major steps (for me) to do so, before I can even think about love... but it's necessary.
Truth be told, I didn't even KNOW it was pride month, I simply knew that I had experienced the darkest and most pitiful time of my life, and there could be someone out there who is going through the same issues as me and not sure how to handle it... I can't let that slide. I like to think I have a very strong will and if someone feeling the same way wasn't as strong... they may not be able to pull themselves out of that darkness. I can't, on good conscience, keep quiet when this is a very real issue. If you are having severe suicidal thoughts, PLEASE find help! Some battles you really shouldn't and can't fight on your own. It's not worth taking that gamble.
Please, if any such thoughts appear call 1-800-273-8255 or trust in the people around you and talk to them about it, they deserve that much! No one can help if they don't know what's going on.
I know many people like to treat Asexuals and Demisexuals as some sort of joke, but their existence is VERY real and their internal struggles are greatly ignored by the LGBT+ community. It's sad, but there's even a large amount of people that believe they shouldn't be allowed to "celebrate" with the community as they aren't "one of them", because a CIS straight male can be "asexual" or "demisexual". What kind of message are we sending to people? Are we so far up our own asses now that not only to we have to come together as one, that we have to shun anyone who might be straight or CIS as one as well? Pride is about coming together as one and ignoring all of the things that make us unusual and embracing that... isn't ignoring a group based on their sexuality the exact OPPOSITE of what Pride is about? While I don't value my own struggles any differently than anyone else's, why should mine be discredited simply because I COULD have been straight? I am STILL living though these problems and they're not going to be solved anytime soon. Being Demisexual is NOT a bad thing, mind you, but it's very hard for one to understand their own feelings which can cause a lot of personal issues down the road. These issues are DEVASTATING if it's not handled correctly.
Now... I'm not very good at this sort of thing and I know I just sorta rambled on and on, but I do ask that the Pride community do take the time to think about your Asexual and Demisexual friends and include them as you celebrate this month... as one. (and yes, it's possible I missed others that I might be ignorant of, but
Also, if you have any question for me regarding Demisexuality, I'll do my best to try to answer it, at least to my experience, or if you identify as a Demisexual, sharing you own experience might also help me understand myself a bit more. Regardless, if you lasted this colossal wall of text, thanks for sticking it out to the end, and stay fluffy!
Edit: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Demisexual Gives a pretty good definition in case you're still a bit confused.
Also, this post will contain talk of a sexual nature. Whilst never EXPLICIT, there will be sex talk.
Often when someone hears the term "Demisexual" they either think of the bland dictionary definition, or they just dismiss it as another "sexuality" that someone made up just to be a special snowflake. First off, I will denounce the latter remark as a simple ignorance of sexuality, and won't really be delving into that, however, I would like to address the "dictionary definition" of Demisexuality, and explain why I believe this is problematic. Mind you, this is not from an actual dictionary, but instead a generic definition that is often seen flying around.
"Demisexual - A person who can only find sexual attraction to someone they have a deep emotional bond with."
This by all mean is not a FALSE definition, as Demisexuals are indeed attracted toward people whom they do have a deep emotional bond. What is problematic is how general and vague this description is. What's important to note is that this is not a choice made by the person, but a "rule" set in place that they simply can't break. Delving into my own experience here, it's like trying to walk through a brick wall... you just stop. You can feel there's something between you and what's on the other side of the wall, but you know you will never get through said wall. What I mean to say is that I am fully aware that when I look at some people that I should feel something. Some sort of attraction, arousal, anything. I should think they're "hot", "sexy", what have you. However, there is something invisible in place keeping me from ever coming into contact with said thoughts.
Now, this might sound like "Asexuality" to those of you that are familiar with the term and definition, however I want to explain that Demisexuality, by it's very root word, means "halfway". In this case Demisexuality is halfway between Sexuality and Asexuality. We still very much enjoy sex... but it's impossible to perform with a stranger, so you'll never see me getting frisky with someone I barely know. The problem this creates (to me at least) is that I can only become sexually involved with friends of mine, therefore, if I want to date, the other person either has to already be an established friend, or the person I would be dating would have to be comfortable being patient as a friend for a while. The same applies for sex in general. I have to get to know you before I can do anything with you, and even then, it's no guarantee. You... can imagine the issues this causes. Datings feel nigh impossible for me.
I will say that speaking online is a completely different story for me. Everything is so much easier to say on the internet, and hell, I can freely say things sexual and act sexual if I wanted to. However, if you meet me in person things change drastically.
I'll keep this simple because the meaning of this post wasn't necessarily to present this as some sort of class agenda, but to give an idea about things before I go on explaining how being Demisexual has affected my life, how it's shaped me, and how I see things differently than other people. I'll just bulletin some main points about Demisexuals that I feel are important to keep in mind.
- We don't CHOOSE to abstain from sex. This isn't some sort of "saving myself for that special someone" sort of deal. We literally CAN'T get aroused with someone whom we don't have that connection with.
- Dating is difficult unless you date an established friend or find someone who is willing to feel like they're friendzone for an unknown period of time...
- We don't see people as "hot" or "attractive", we simply see people. If I had to describe it, pretty much everyone is a 5/10. Average. But it's more accurate to just say that we don't care about looks to the point that we nearly can't.
- We still like sex or at least we don't mind it, and no, we aren't Asexual
- Demisexualism, much like Asexualism (and Sexualism), isn't tied to gender. You can be a demisexual whilst being attracted to anyone, only males, only females, whomever. I myself is am a Demi-Homosexual.
Everything else I feel could apply to me only, so I don't want to include them, I will include all of that information below.
(This is all just me gushing about the things I'm feeling and have felt for the last decade... it's not intended to be spell-checked, jazzed up with interesting words... it's just a grossly snipped down version of my life (or lack of one), that is it!)
Growing up as someone who was homosexual was rough, but I won't say it was ever unbearable. It was mostly the bottling up of my feeling and the essence of who I have always been that ate away at me, little by little, gnawing away at my very core until I came out in 2011, at the age of 25. A HUGE weight was lifted off of my shoulders that day, and I felt a lot better as a person. Over the years, however, I still felt that something was... different about me, but I could never really put that into worse or any sort of clear idea. Those thoughts still mostly persist today, in a way.
My first sexual encounter was with a "friend", moreso someone I was friendly with and met once or twice before. The encounter was not memorable, fun, and was generally awkward and awful. Now, sure, the first time is usually "awkward and strange" many would say... but it wasn't that simple. I felt as if something were off, but I simply could not place it. We did tried it again two more times in the future and to no avail, it all seemed hollow, boring, and generally a letdown. Not only that, but I couldn't get aroused or at the very least even stay hard through the whole ordeal. While the whole thing was terrible, it was also horribly embarrassing for me having been my first time and completely failed in every way.
From that point on I was... still confused but also tended not to do sexual stuff as often. That said, from the same circle of friends that I had found myself beginning that year, I did have a couple encounters with a couple of the guys in the group. These were people who actually chatted with me, got to know me a bit, cuddled up, all that stuff. We actually had conversations that didn't feel forced or superficial. With these two, everything went smoothly, was great, and definitely memorable, a stark contrast before the time before. I still didn't quite understand what the difference was until much later,
I did try dating, and was even with someone for a good while... but I just couldn't understand myself. I really had no idea what was going on and in the end, while everything was great while we were together (and he was great and the relationship was wonderful), I once again was the problem. I didn't know myself, so how could I know someone else? Even at this point I didn't understand what my issues was.
A time or two afterward I tried again, but I was only met with critical questions. "Do you not find me attractive?" "Isn't that just an excuse to not have sex with me?" Once again, what was I to do with this? I couldn't answer the question in my head, and I had no way to respond other than hitting the panic button.
Fast forwarding a bit, I did have a friend try to hook me up with a guy, knowing that I never do anything with anyone, but it simply did not work out. It was sadly a repeat of my first time. While I was embarrassed about my issues at first, this embarrassment changed to self-doubt, shyness, and mild depression. I felt like I couldn't perform, that there was something wrong with me. Could I even be in a relationship at this point? Everything had failed up to the point, and because of me, should I even try? These thoughts did die down for a few years as I ignored thinking about being in a relationship in general but they were always at the back of my mind. I stopped even trying to date. I socially shut myself up and only did anything of a sexual nature with a single friend of mine for a looooong time, a "friend with benefits", if you will. The same person I mostly stick to to this day. The problem being that this put me into this loop where I get frozen with anxiety when it comes to me trying to propose such a thing to someone I might like or to someone I'm close with... it's really decreased my quality of life and made me a stressed and anxious mess of a person.
Me proposing sex, or even just being NAKED with another person (other than a couple VERY specific people) is as hard as an anti-social teenager asking someone out on a date. It's dreadful and a harder task than anyone from the outside can imagine looking in. My body issues, depression, self-acceptance issues, and general self worth issues were rising higher and higher. I come off as calm, cool, and collected on the outside, but there's a war raging on the inside at all times, absolutely fed up with me not living life the way I want to live it... but how could I when I still don't have the answers? This was about the time that I started reading about Demisexuality (and it was a very randomly found article, to be honest). After reading about it and how other people that identified as such felt, I realized that I too had the same issues. While knowing this was great, it didn't help any of the image issues I already had. Add onto this friends and others saying "You're just too picky, you're never going to find a guy"... it's not so easy to explain that you're not picky, and that you wish you were because then at least you'd have the choice.
Fast forward to today... or about a month ago. Still single, haven't tried dating, too afraid to mention anything of a sexual nature to anyone but one person outside of my "friend with benefits", even anyone saying anything blatantly sexual to me, especially proposing something (even a close friend that I would totally do something with) makes my heart pound, my mind race, and fills me with anxiety. Something that most people desire, scares the shit out of me now in all but the most special of cases. I've wanted to propose things with friends, but can't (I'm talking about face to face here, not over the internet), there's so many things I've wanted to do with people I deeply trust and past experiences have made it so I'm so deathly shy and nervous that I don't know if I can even do it... after my dog and companion of ten years passed away, I realized that he was the glue that was really holding me together, and mixed with everything that was bubbling up, that's when things got a bit dicey...
Last night everything flared up pretty badly before more or less dissipating the next day. My depression was at some of the worst I had ever experienced, I thought about my life, thinking about how I will never be in a relationship, how no one will ever understand how I feel, how I will always be alone. All of the anxiety I was feeling, self-deprecating thoughts, and sense of worthlessness were coming to a head. I felt like I had no worth in this world, and for the very first time, suicide was on my mind as more than a side-thought. Mind you this is something I thought would never happen. I snapped out of that quite quickly, but the fact that it ever crossed my mind terrifies me. It's too late to just do some magic and make all my problems just disappear, but I now know that all of these issues are due to me being "demisexual" and not knowing what to do with all of those pent up feelings and the overflowing frustration and not even knowing myself. One major thing happens and the house of cards just falls to the ground. Even though I already identified as demisexual, it took me this long to really understand how it's affected me. I've had to dig deep within myself to see things from a different angle.
I'm... slowly trying to work my way through the meters and meters of gunk and filth that are my feelings and emotions and get to the point where I can at least be comfortable with myself. I understand more about what makes me tick now, and while it's not a cure-all, it's something that I can work with. That said, I have to take some pretty major steps (for me) to do so, before I can even think about love... but it's necessary.
Truth be told, I didn't even KNOW it was pride month, I simply knew that I had experienced the darkest and most pitiful time of my life, and there could be someone out there who is going through the same issues as me and not sure how to handle it... I can't let that slide. I like to think I have a very strong will and if someone feeling the same way wasn't as strong... they may not be able to pull themselves out of that darkness. I can't, on good conscience, keep quiet when this is a very real issue. If you are having severe suicidal thoughts, PLEASE find help! Some battles you really shouldn't and can't fight on your own. It's not worth taking that gamble.
Please, if any such thoughts appear call 1-800-273-8255 or trust in the people around you and talk to them about it, they deserve that much! No one can help if they don't know what's going on.
I know many people like to treat Asexuals and Demisexuals as some sort of joke, but their existence is VERY real and their internal struggles are greatly ignored by the LGBT+ community. It's sad, but there's even a large amount of people that believe they shouldn't be allowed to "celebrate" with the community as they aren't "one of them", because a CIS straight male can be "asexual" or "demisexual". What kind of message are we sending to people? Are we so far up our own asses now that not only to we have to come together as one, that we have to shun anyone who might be straight or CIS as one as well? Pride is about coming together as one and ignoring all of the things that make us unusual and embracing that... isn't ignoring a group based on their sexuality the exact OPPOSITE of what Pride is about? While I don't value my own struggles any differently than anyone else's, why should mine be discredited simply because I COULD have been straight? I am STILL living though these problems and they're not going to be solved anytime soon. Being Demisexual is NOT a bad thing, mind you, but it's very hard for one to understand their own feelings which can cause a lot of personal issues down the road. These issues are DEVASTATING if it's not handled correctly.
Now... I'm not very good at this sort of thing and I know I just sorta rambled on and on, but I do ask that the Pride community do take the time to think about your Asexual and Demisexual friends and include them as you celebrate this month... as one. (and yes, it's possible I missed others that I might be ignorant of, but
Also, if you have any question for me regarding Demisexuality, I'll do my best to try to answer it, at least to my experience, or if you identify as a Demisexual, sharing you own experience might also help me understand myself a bit more. Regardless, if you lasted this colossal wall of text, thanks for sticking it out to the end, and stay fluffy!
Edit: http://wiki.asexuality.org/Demisexual Gives a pretty good definition in case you're still a bit confused.
Hell, I don't even know where I stand in that regard myself...with sincerity, that is. I might be bi, I might be something else. I'm still learning and am frankly not putting it in the forefront.