FA+
Shop
I know we've all done one of these at some point...
16 years ago
I found this while I was digging around in some old files on my computer. I'm not sure when I wrote it.
"What follows is an old abusing of God's patience and the King's English."
--W. Shakespeare
And a new abuse of an old tale. Prepare for a storm of cliche...
Little Red Riding Hood would regularly go visit her Grandmother at her cabin in the woods, quite often bringing a basket of food along for her trip - not necessarily for Grandma, she can still cook and take care of herself. Little Red Riding Hood frequently brought home a heavier basket, as her Grandmother was very fond of baking peanut butter cookies. However, today was Saturday; she normally went on Sundays, but Little Red Riding Hood's mother figured she could give Grandma a surprise. Little Red Riding Hood gathered her basket and her parents almost shoved her out the door.
As she was headed to her grandmother's cabin, a wolf called out to her, "Hey! Are you on your way to your grandmother's house?"
"Which grandmother?" she asked, and before the wolf could say anything else she darted off on a different path, having been warned repeatedly about talking to strangers. Plus, she's no fool in the ways of tracking and deceptive trails. The wolf waited for a moment, growled, then ran for a telephone.
Little Red Riding Hood was a little out of breath when she got to her grandmother's cabin and knocked on the door. The only answer to her knock and call was a soft moan.
"Grandma?" Little Red Riding Hood called again, took out her spare key, and opened the door. The house was neatly kept, as might be expected of an elderly female who has gotten over the "empty nest" stage. The smell of fresh-baked peanut butter cookies hung heavy in the air, although a whiff of something that went stale a while ago still lingered. She heard her Grandmother moan again. The sound came from the bedroom.
Little Red Riding Hood quickly put her basket down and went running. She'd awakened her Grandmother from bad dreams several times before, dreams that made the old woman moan, but this didn't sound like the same kind of moan. Was she in trouble? Grandmother's health was excellent, even though her eyesight was going. As she came to the bedroom door, she heard the sound of heavy panting. This frightened Little Red Riding Hood!
"Grandma?" Little Red Riding Hood exclaimed as she opened the door, then three voices all yelped at once. Little Red Riding Hood had caught an old wolf in the middle of... shall we say, 'eating' her Grandmother. Grandma didn't mean to knee the old wolf in the head when she jumped.
Little Red Riding Hood backed away from the bedroom door, and bumped into the younger wolf she'd seen before. "Dad, do you EVER answer yer cell phone?" he exclaimed in an annoyed tone.
"Grandma, why didn't you tell us you were seeing someone?" Little Red Riding Hood asked, as she clapped her paws over her muzzle in total embarrassment. Her pointed ears were flaming as red as her hood. Who would have imagined that someone Grandma's age could be that darn frisky? Although it has been a few years since Grandpa died...
Little Red Riding hood could only shake her head. Mom and Dad were probably doing the same thing today, hence why she was ushered out of the house on a Saturday morning.
After that embarrassing episode, the two families of wolves got along quite well...
Comments, flames, derision, etc. are all welcome.
Inspired party by a picture of a sexy anthro wolf wearing absolutely nothing but a red hood and cape. Artist was listed as "Stephanie K", I think it was on VCL, but I don't remember for certain.
"What follows is an old abusing of God's patience and the King's English."
--W. Shakespeare
And a new abuse of an old tale. Prepare for a storm of cliche...
Little Red Riding Hood would regularly go visit her Grandmother at her cabin in the woods, quite often bringing a basket of food along for her trip - not necessarily for Grandma, she can still cook and take care of herself. Little Red Riding Hood frequently brought home a heavier basket, as her Grandmother was very fond of baking peanut butter cookies. However, today was Saturday; she normally went on Sundays, but Little Red Riding Hood's mother figured she could give Grandma a surprise. Little Red Riding Hood gathered her basket and her parents almost shoved her out the door.
As she was headed to her grandmother's cabin, a wolf called out to her, "Hey! Are you on your way to your grandmother's house?"
"Which grandmother?" she asked, and before the wolf could say anything else she darted off on a different path, having been warned repeatedly about talking to strangers. Plus, she's no fool in the ways of tracking and deceptive trails. The wolf waited for a moment, growled, then ran for a telephone.
Little Red Riding Hood was a little out of breath when she got to her grandmother's cabin and knocked on the door. The only answer to her knock and call was a soft moan.
"Grandma?" Little Red Riding Hood called again, took out her spare key, and opened the door. The house was neatly kept, as might be expected of an elderly female who has gotten over the "empty nest" stage. The smell of fresh-baked peanut butter cookies hung heavy in the air, although a whiff of something that went stale a while ago still lingered. She heard her Grandmother moan again. The sound came from the bedroom.
Little Red Riding Hood quickly put her basket down and went running. She'd awakened her Grandmother from bad dreams several times before, dreams that made the old woman moan, but this didn't sound like the same kind of moan. Was she in trouble? Grandmother's health was excellent, even though her eyesight was going. As she came to the bedroom door, she heard the sound of heavy panting. This frightened Little Red Riding Hood!
"Grandma?" Little Red Riding Hood exclaimed as she opened the door, then three voices all yelped at once. Little Red Riding Hood had caught an old wolf in the middle of... shall we say, 'eating' her Grandmother. Grandma didn't mean to knee the old wolf in the head when she jumped.
Little Red Riding Hood backed away from the bedroom door, and bumped into the younger wolf she'd seen before. "Dad, do you EVER answer yer cell phone?" he exclaimed in an annoyed tone.
"Grandma, why didn't you tell us you were seeing someone?" Little Red Riding Hood asked, as she clapped her paws over her muzzle in total embarrassment. Her pointed ears were flaming as red as her hood. Who would have imagined that someone Grandma's age could be that darn frisky? Although it has been a few years since Grandpa died...
Little Red Riding hood could only shake her head. Mom and Dad were probably doing the same thing today, hence why she was ushered out of the house on a Saturday morning.
After that embarrassing episode, the two families of wolves got along quite well...
Comments, flames, derision, etc. are all welcome.
Inspired party by a picture of a sexy anthro wolf wearing absolutely nothing but a red hood and cape. Artist was listed as "Stephanie K", I think it was on VCL, but I don't remember for certain.
From Maledicta, the International Journal of Verbal Aggression: "Little Red
Riding Hood," as told in Vietnam Veteran's Slang! (Please excuse the
occasional Asian insults, and just focus on the rhtyhms and sound of the
language.
As our story begins, Little Red Riding Hood is leaving her hooch in the vil
with a doggie pack of chop, consisting mostly of cold cees, to take to her
sick grandma-san. As she skips merrily through the punji traps to
grandma-san's hooch, the Hood is confronted by a wolf, disguised as a dink.
"Dung lai!" shouts the wolf. "Where are you going, baby-san, and what have
you in that doggie pack?"
"To grandma-san's hooch," replies the badly frightened Hood. "Cut me some
slack, Sir Charles. There's only ti-ti chow in this pack, some
motherfuckers and beans, coupla warm bamebas, bottle of Saigon tea, that's
all."
Despite her bold front, the Hood is shakin' and quakin', and her
pucker factor is very high. She says a silent prayer: Yea, though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for I am
the meanest mother-fucker in the valley. Short! she adds by way of amen.
"You sao!" screams the wolf. Then, more calmly: "Listen, cherry girl,
obviously you have mistaken me for some dinky dow motherfucker, huh? I know
you numbah fuckin' ten cheap charlie, so di-fucking-mau, slopehead, and
never come this way again, or I cacadow you! Bic?"
"Be nice! You speak numbah queo, GI!" counters the Hood. But before the wolf
can answer, the Hood di-di's on down the trail to grandma-san's hooch.
Yet even as Hood runs to grandma-san's, the wolf takes a shortcut to arrive
there first, whereupon he greases grandma-san's ass, slips into same-same's
tiger-stripes, and climbs into her rack, there to wait the imminent arrival
of Hood with the bennies.
The Hood arrives, knocks on the door, and to the wolf's falsetto, "Lai day,
motherfucker!" enters.
"Chou, grandma-san! Enjoyin' yer R&R? I've brought you some Charlie's
rats!" As she places the pack next to grandma-san's bed, the Hood makes a
double-take. "Choi-oi, you got the biggest fuckin' eyeballs I ever seen on
a gook," she says.
"Big as blooper balls," answers the wolf, "but all the better to see you
with."
"And your ears are maxed to the onions," comments the Hood.
"Oh, yeah? And your titties are Hong Kongs," aswers the wolf, somewhat
annoyed at the Hood's jocular sallies at his expense.
"Calm down, grandma-san! Here, enjoy a bameba," says the Hood, tossing the
wolf a bottle of beer.
The Hood pries the cap off a bottle using her eyetooth. "Chin-chin, Ho Chi
Minh!" says the Hood, and drinks.
"Wow! That was some John Wayne!" exclaims the Wolf, admiring her feat in
spite of himself.
"My, grandma-san, but you have beaucoup teeth," observes the Hood.
"All the better to scarf you up with!" roars the Wolf as he tears off his
Gabby Hayes and comes out of the rack.
"Eeek! screams the Hood. "The bastard's gonna waste me!"
At this point papa-san comes through the door carrying his pig, and lets
the wolf have a burst on rock'n'roll, effectively blowing his shit away.
"Get some!" screams the Hood. "Wow, did you zap that zip, papa-san!"
"No sweat," comments papa-san as he reloads. "What I love are free-fire
zones and big body counts." Papa-san is a grunt of few words.