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Want/Need (Vent)
7 years ago
I'm really tired of getting knocked down every fucking time I try to get anywhere in life. Boo hoo right? Everybody who has read my vent journals have heard it all before right? Plus not a lot of people even bother with my journals, let alone my art or stories.
In fact, I'm starting to think that me and my art will never be good enough.. My ability to play and make music is gone, my will to draw or write is depleting from my stressing out over not getting employment.. Event if I do get a job, living with my mother again means any and all money I make with her knowledge becomes hers anyway..
The time I spent trying to get my life started at my dad's house was basically wasted, not being able to buy something crucial to being able to do anything with; music, digital art, youtube, gaming, ect. A FUCKING GOOD COMPUTER!!!
Thanks a lot dad.. Goodwill gave me a herniated disk in my spine, yet I can't get myself treatment or even a checkup.. You're generation thinks it's still easy to move forward, or maybe my generation is just weak... I Don't know the answers, neither did you dad... Your answers were wrong, outdated assumptions of a dying world..
I've spent the last... I don't even remember how long... In non stop pain... I sleep 12 ish hours per day/night, not sure if it's the pain knocking me out or the crippling depression causing it, or something even worse.... Ever moment in my dreams drive me closer to the edge; the nightmares are tearing me apart.....
I'm tired of this shit.. I'm tired of being stuck in this house that is literally falling apart... I want to succeed... I need to do something about it... I'm so fucking lost, angry, depressed, in pain, stir crazy, broke, stuck in a loop that I can't find a way out of... Did I dig this hole I'm in..? If I did, then I didn't dig it this deep alone...
This wall is in a circle, running around the inside of it is pointless... It's too high to climb, I can no longer see the top of it... Bricks sliding back into place, after I spent so long trying to wedge them out... I'm screaming threw the holes in the wall, but it feels like no words are coming out of my mouth...
I want out... I need to get free...
In fact, I'm starting to think that me and my art will never be good enough.. My ability to play and make music is gone, my will to draw or write is depleting from my stressing out over not getting employment.. Event if I do get a job, living with my mother again means any and all money I make with her knowledge becomes hers anyway..
The time I spent trying to get my life started at my dad's house was basically wasted, not being able to buy something crucial to being able to do anything with; music, digital art, youtube, gaming, ect. A FUCKING GOOD COMPUTER!!!
Thanks a lot dad.. Goodwill gave me a herniated disk in my spine, yet I can't get myself treatment or even a checkup.. You're generation thinks it's still easy to move forward, or maybe my generation is just weak... I Don't know the answers, neither did you dad... Your answers were wrong, outdated assumptions of a dying world..
I've spent the last... I don't even remember how long... In non stop pain... I sleep 12 ish hours per day/night, not sure if it's the pain knocking me out or the crippling depression causing it, or something even worse.... Ever moment in my dreams drive me closer to the edge; the nightmares are tearing me apart.....
I'm tired of this shit.. I'm tired of being stuck in this house that is literally falling apart... I want to succeed... I need to do something about it... I'm so fucking lost, angry, depressed, in pain, stir crazy, broke, stuck in a loop that I can't find a way out of... Did I dig this hole I'm in..? If I did, then I didn't dig it this deep alone...
This wall is in a circle, running around the inside of it is pointless... It's too high to climb, I can no longer see the top of it... Bricks sliding back into place, after I spent so long trying to wedge them out... I'm screaming threw the holes in the wall, but it feels like no words are coming out of my mouth...
I want out... I need to get free...
The Mexican mafia bullshit is slowly taking over Mesa, Phoenix, Tempe...
I've been applying for any and every job there is, but I get nothing but rejection after rejection if they bother if contact me; then when I become persistent I get nowhere as if that just don't want to say no while not wanting to hire me... Can't do online jobs because I have no computer of my own now and my phone is too old to do much without a non-stop struggle... Wouldn't help me though, every penny will be sucked up by my mother and she plans on having me live here in her house until I'm fucking 40..!! No, really! She defends the idea with "Oh I know men who live with the motherwhile being 40" "What's wrong with staying here for 20 years?" "You're happy here with Mom, you're more yourself here" And always goes into talking horrible shit lies about my dad, blaming him for everything that goes or went wrong.....
Im 25 and I've never been able to have my own place; not counting the weeks I spent sleeping in my car before it was stolen and totalled.. Dumped $300 a month into insurance, got $170 for selling it; btw guess who that money went to?! The evil greedy bitch, my mother! She never oried a day in her life and have had her family take care of her ever sense she illegally stole and wasted the money my dad got from being hit by a car.. She spent it all and is now thinking I'm her new cash cow, she even has my name tied to her bank account! Not that I can ever touch the account or touch any money that I would "save" in it..