This is a very long, very winded read. I'm not expecting anyone to read all the way through it, but I just need somewhere to open up that isn't to anyone in my family as my moms side would say I'm being ridiculous, and my dads side would say "get rid of her."


My ventures into the furry fandom have been nothing but wonderful and I love being part of the community. This isn't my "i'm leaving the fandom" message as I don't intend on doing that, but I've had to do a lot of reflection and consideration on things over the last few years. Behind the screen things haven't been easy, and I'm not a fan of telling people the in's and out's of what happens as I know a lot of you care about my well being. Those closer to me will already know the last few months have been difficult more so than the last couple of years, and if you've been following me for a while now, you'll know a good portion of things, or if you've followed me on various social media outlets.


You'll know that I don't utilize Facebook anymore, and I've suddenly vanished from twitter on every account. One of the comments I had received hit closer to home than I thought it would have, and over the weeks that followed things became worse on a very personal level. There was no fandom outcry over things I had done, no one in the fandom has done me wrong, and to top it all off there was never any hate comments left - what hit close to home was posting openly that I'm the daughter of a suicidal and incredibly manipulative parent, and was told it's not easy but cut her off and out of my life.


I've been umming and ahhing over this for ages now as every time I speak with my mother the conversations are getting more and more in depth and more hurtful. We had a large row just after I left Confuzzled, I had messages threatening my inheritance and that I would have been cut off immediately if I didn't call her back - I had let her know I was on my way to a convention and likely wouldn't be contacting her until I had left as anyone who attends CFz here in England will know phone reception is pants in there. So I let her know I was alright and to tell her that I don't care about money, so threatening me with something like what I'll get when she dies is futile. I was devastated that she'd use something like that to get me to speak to her, but even more upset that she'd ignore that I'd call her as soon as I was out, only to be met with 5 missed calls and loads of voice mails, starting off fine, to she was worried, to she wasn't ever going to call me again and finally to don't bother contacting her as she's revoking her life insurance so I'll get nothing. All within 20 minute intervals.

She know I was really crushed by this and became super apologetic for the next few weeks after this. She sent me a birthday card for the first time in years and a certificate from the US government certifying my dads passing with recognition for his military service. Even if it wasn't personally signed by Trump himself, it was a lovely gesture to have received from the government and then for my mother to take the time to send it to me. It felt like we were going in the right direction and felt lovely to be able to talk to my mom on the phone without knowing that she was going to tank in her mood. I've still been dealing with wondering what I should have done, should I keep things going? Should I take a step back for a while?

Sadly, that novelty didn't last and right after my birthday she called to tell me she was dying (she isn't) and that no one cares about her and that I'm not there to take care of her. She didn't even ask if my birthday had been a good one, or "hi dear, how are you?" there is never a proper greeting, usually its "Are you there?" to which I say "Yes, are you okay?" and an immediate "NO," then proceeding to tell me everything wrong in her life. She never takes the time to ask "How are you?" "Are you doing alright?" "How was your day?"

So the last few calls we've had have been about how she hates her doctors because they refuse to find out what is wrong with her - she had a suspected case of Valley Fever which turned out to be a normal pneumonia, which we later discovered she hadn't turned her heating on at all over the winter because she was afriad bugs were going to come out of her air system and bite her or that the food smells from upstairs would some how circulate from the apartment above and kill her with their fumes. Before anyone tells me she should go into a care home, I've already been over that with her time and time again, if you give her assistance, an opinion or an option that will work to help her, she'd rather say no and stay in whatever pit shes found herself in - she doesn't accept help from anyone but seems to enjoy telling me that shes alone, dying and wants to end it all. I think there is some sort of sick enjoyment in all of this.

So she thinks her doctors have it out for her, she can't eat and doesn't keep food down, but refuses to go to the hospital to get help. She decided that her doctors had it in for her because they try to give her fruit to eat (soft fruit like Dole fruit pots, which should be easily swallowed) but is certain she can't have fruit because she chokes, but then when she calls to tell me what happened was upset that they didn't have things like broccoli and steak. I face palmed because I'm sorry a doctors visit isn't a fancy restaurant. She then was upset that the nurse told her she needs more protein in her diet so to eat more eggs, so.. when she went back home she went into Target to look for eggs and was upset when they didn't have any, proceeding to berate the staff for not being competent enough to have eggs to buy, and then went home.. eggless. I had to ask why she didn't pop into Walmart which is literally across the street from her, a closer drive to than Target is, and all she could say was "I don't like Walmart, but target should have had eggs," this is something Ellis and I can't wrap our minds around. The store that is closer and easier to navigate, who has staff there who know my mom and have been willing to help her, she avoids like the plague to then complain about a store that is further away that doesn't have what she needs. I've offered on many occasions to buy her groceries on line and have them delivered to her door to ensure she has food she enjoys but she flat our refuses every single time.

So cut to this last Saturday. She called and sounded distraught so we spoke about what was going on, she told me my uncle Bob is dying and has likely until the end of the month but she only found out via a text message from my cousin, Bobs step son. Instead of telling me how she was sad he didn't have much time left she said "Bob is dying, but I'm going to see him soon because I don't h ave much time left." I thought "woah, that is a bit rude to say as you have no doctor saying you're dying" so I asked her immediately "if you don't mind me asking, what did you send back in your text message to Bill?" and honestly, she said "I'm sorry to hear about Bob, but I can't eat, I can't keep food down and I'll be right behind him."

What a shitty thing to read from your aunt. You're already worrying about your step father after having lost your mother to pancreatic cancer and you have your aunt determined to tell you "I am sorry you're going through shit, but I'm going through worse than you or he is right now."

I wouldn't want to speak to her either. I've yet to contact my cousin to tell him I am so sorry for my mothers actions, but thats where I'm having a problem. I shouldn't have to be doing this, but I feel like I'm the clean up crew. She can do or say whatever she wants because she makes excuses to justify her actions.

So after this part of that conversation with her I put my foot down to say "that isn't fair to have sent Bill" and it exploded from there.

I'll say now, I record our conversations. It's not illegal for me to do as I'm outside of the USA's jurisdiction and the recording laws are different here in the UK. I don't plan on utilizing these for my own gain, or to release them openly to deface her, but because she says things and then profusely states she's never said whatever she has again.

So.. in justifying her own reasons for why she can say shes worse off than my dying uncle is that she can't eat, can't sleep, I left the country to abandon her, and that all I care about is money. The whole money thing is a thorn in my backside as Ellis and I are getting married soon. We invited her to the wedding and she was excited to be able to come across the pond and celebrate with us - that meant the WORLD to me that she would do that as she never crossed the pond to be there when my ex and I got together. Not ONE person in my family came. So out of the blue a few months later she said "How would you feel if I sent you on a honeymoon?" Immediately I thought "WHY?!" and I already knew from that question that she wasn't going to bother to come again. That turned into she was planning on sending us to Hawaii and how she'd love it if we took my son with us - I was alright with this as it would be an amazing chance to show my son where I loved going when I was his age and I could visit my Hawaiian side of the family before traveling back to the mainland and spending time with my mom. This turned into I would only get funds for a honey moon for California only because I had to change my name with our family lawyer, to I'm only going to get any sort of honeymoon funds if I come get it in PERSON. She's decided to use the promise of a honey moon for her own gain to get me out there to see her, but what she doesn't realize is that all of the funds that we had used to get out there to take care of her and my dad were on credit and I physically can't get back out to see her because the funds for it aren't there.

So I reminded her about this in that phone conversation, I don't care about lining my pockets but I do care about getting out there to see her and all I wanted to ask for was a flight home for just me to try to sort her out. She keeps throwing around shes dying, that she can't make it to the store, that she hates her doctors and refuses to go into a home, but then tells me that no one but one of my cousins visits her from time to time but then berates my cousin behind her back when she goes to take care of her own family.

My mom knows that our wedding is soon, and that this means the world over to me, but then told me that shes retracting the honeymoon offer completely because I care more about other people than I do about her. I lost it at that point, she has this gross idea that money means more than family and its the ONLY thing she has over my head to try to get me to conform to what she wants me to do, which is to drop everything and get out there to see her.

Behind the screen I've been considering throwing everything out of the window, PawPrinting, as she knows I had been working my ass off trying to get it off of the ground and every time a convention comes up, rings to tell me how crap things are going so that I'll stop working on it and get out there to see her. I kept putting off launching PawPrinting because I was mortified as soon as I hit the "open for business" button, she'll do something ridiculous and I'll have to disappoint people. Whenever we have a row it nukes my creative process, and I hate talking to everyone because every person has their own view and opinion on what I should do, but they're not the person stuck in the middle of it. It's so much easier to say "distance yourself" but if something did happen to her after all of her crying wolf, I don't think I could live with myself.


Right, so this conversation then turned to how I only ever ask for money, how when I flew out to help my mom when my dad was in hospital last that it was purely ONLY to see leviathan248s funeral and I didn't care about what happened to her or my dad. That I left her destitute after I spent all the money she had to buy her groceries, move her apartment, and buy her entirely new furniture for her apartment as everything was falling apart and even if dad came home from the hospital he needed everything thought out so that he couldn't hurt himself. I went through every possible situation trying to plan for taking care of him, and to ensure that she was in a safe, clean and easy to manage environment. I didn't think spending two months out there not working and earning myself was selfish on my behalf trying to make life easier on her. Dad pulled through for a while, I was with him daily even when my mom couldn't be assed to go visit him, she stranded me at the hospital a few times because I was more worried about my dad than I was her, and had to sort out how to get home.

If you're already thinking "this sounds gross, why do you still talk to her at all?" she's my mom. I do love her deep down, but it's infuriating that she can't see beyond her own nose. She's upset at me for breaking my promises of coming out to visit her to take care of her, and then pulled out of no where that I'm a horrible mother who breaks her promises to my son all of the time. That was it, you can poke the bear, but you never bring my boy into a fight and expect me to play nicely. She said how all she and my dad ever wanted to do was to kick me out of the apartment while I lived with them, and apparently my dad did kick me out, which was news to me and even more surprising that I still have a bedroom at their house which she always calls "Your room" and that its "your home, too" - to screaming at Ellis when he came home from picking up his truck saying that he's shit and needs to fuck right off when he walked int o see me crying and ran in to tell her to back off. The things she said to him I can't forgive easily, he doesn't cry and never lets his nerves show like that, but he was the first man who properly fought for me. That means a lot to see coming from him, but I told him to step back and let me talk to her because this was between us both, not him. My mom has this sick twisted sense that Ellis needs to work harder and get more jobs because I'm not well off and find it difficult sometimes to cover my own bases financially, but I'm not the type who begs for it. I'm a very prideful person. But never attack the person who works his ass off every day to keep our roof over our head. We're not rich, but we're happy together. My mother loves flaunting that she has so much money coming out of her ears that she doesn't know what to do with it, and that is the only thing she knows I don't have.

The conversation kept going and she pulled out that I'm a disgrace and I shouldn't have been part of their family. At the end of the row I calmed down and told her that I hope she felt better getting everything off of her chest, but that I needed to go.

Then she called the day after leaving me a voice message about how sorry she was she hurt me.

Then called yesterday to tell me "I can't live with myself that I hurt you," and then to today "you need to find GOD and HE needs to make you see that you need to forgive me." I'm apparently full of the devil because I'm heart broken and don't want to act like everything is fine. She tried to explain that her outburst at Ellis was because he didn't want children, and that I was forced to get a hysterectomy to spite her so she wouldn't have a future, of grandchildren.

That was where I thought I was already broken, but there is nothing like rock bottom.

I had to have a hysterectomy because I had ovarian cancer in 2009, which my mother was present for, who at the time didn't want me to go to the hospital because I'd get over it, only to be rushed into A&E as my cysts had spun and were septic harming both kidneys and urinary tract. I looked like I was pregnant my stomach had become so distended, but she said "I don't remember any of that" which is rich because I have photographs of my "triplets" so the doctor named them. I knew my day for a hysterectomy was going to come, and she knew that right from my doctor, Dr. Angel (ironic name, I know). But to tell me that I'm full of satan because I destroyed her life and the possibility of grandchildren because I wanted to spite her, I didn't want to leave a life behind that included my future husband and my SON. I asked her "what does Adrian mean to you?" and she said "Oh yeah, well I love him, but I wanted more." I wanted to save my life, and she wanted me to suck it up.

The conversation felt like it was going to come to a close when I had told her "Look, all I am asking for is space so I can process our last fight" which wasn't good enough. She was determined it was my way of telling her I want nothing to ever do with her again and that she'll never talk to me again because she isn't worth the salt of the earth, and is just a loser - she clutches for anything she can grab to make herself out to be the victim and to make me look like I'm the person who put her into the position she is in. The person she talks to the most is the person easiest to get the brunt of her anger, and that person has always been me. She's threatened me with a handgun and a rifle in the past, which is why if you have a firearm I can't process any sort of thoughts and shut down. She's gone through my bedroom when I was younger and took the things that meant something to me (as stupid as this sounds) and threw them away to profusely tell me she didn't. Her and my dad were going through a rough time when I was 13 and I bought an Ultrasaurus Zoid kit that I saved for and built that one evening when they went out and left me home alone for the first time ever (I was 13, and never had been alone in the house) and that meant something to me. It was the one thing I was proud of that I made myself, that I bought myself and she knew that - went to school a month later and came home to my shelf having been cleared off and it was gone. Heyho.

I know the smart thing to do is to cut her off completely. It doesn't solve that she is alone, vulnerable and easily misguided. I love her deeply even if we weren't blood related, and I've always had a heart that cared and loved other people above myself, so I forgave her for all of the things she had done when I was younger, and continue to forgive her even now. In the last few years I've become a very jaded person who feels like if I can't help myself, I have no right to help someone else. I don't want to be the hypocrite who listens to others to try to help them when I know I have a mountain on my own shoulders, and it's come to a head finally where I physically don't wan to talk to anyone which is why you guys don't hear from me often at all. I know I have plenty of people who would take the time to listen to me, but I think that is all I want. An ear, not a response or someone telling me how I should fix things - and then being told about things that they're going through because I want nothing more than to solve their problems, and not just listen - I feel like I lie to myself every time I hear someone is having a rough patch.


Work wise, I love what I do, but I don't want to put my name and my reputation on the line unless I'm 110% behind what I am doing, and I already feel like I've let people down with thinking this amazing new service was coming, when it's hard to just keep my head above the water. It's not an excuse as to why I'm not releasing PawPrinting officially, but I've been trying to do all of the back work in production, maintenance, social media, invoicing and mailing while sorting the back work to make the buying process a smooth and pleasant experience for you guys, and every time I feel like I'm just about there, something else seems to explode and my focus has to turn again. Ellis has had to watch me get so excited about a new product and how I want to show it off, but then to have something else happen and it get shelved again, and again.

I've been asked to help out with a few conventions this year and next and I'm honestly afraid that the best thing I could do is to try letting people down gently, but that is my pitfall. I hate feeling like I've let anyone down, but the thing my mother wants me to give her most is a clean slate, and that is the one thing I think I need more than anyone else. I'm not saying I'm getting rid of PawPrinting, I still have everything here to be able to do things with, but I really need to focus on artwork as that is the money maker in what I do, not printing. I've invested a lot of time and my own funds into building this, but for the moment I need to do what is right for me and continue to draw and try to save up funds of my own to get out to see my son. (For those who don't know, he does live in the USA, but is the best person to have ever come into my life, and I would do ANYTHING to be with him.) I still want to help out with conventions, but I honestly don't know how I can put time into it when I'm not giving enough time to my own job to keep the house going.

What does any of this have to do with these calls then? It nukes me in every manner of speaking. Its this blanket that I'm covered in and I'm trying to get it off so I can feel normal for a little bit. Our wedding is coming up soon and I can't even look at that as a happy time because of everything else that is going on. It's an inexpensive function because I couldn't be elaborate, but what matters is that I get to spend life with my best friend, and his family, and those few people who are MY family even if we aren't related. Not one person from my family is coming. My creativity level is shot, when my head and my heart aren't in the right place, I'm slow in what I do. I've got a few pieces I've taken on as of late, but I'll be asking to take a few more pieces on with the knowledge that I'm slow, and this is the reasoning for it.

Please don't tell me what I should, or shouldn't be doing right now. I already know I -should- tell her I want nothing more to do with her, but that won't happen aside from taking time away from talking to her. I'll always expect mean and vulgar messages to be left, but if she needs me, she can message Ellis, or if there is an emergency she can contact my cousin.

So, for now, I'm pulling the plug on PawPrinting while I sort things out and get my feet back under me financially because its an expensive operation, having to take a step back from any convention responsibilities, and going to focus on the one thing I love that no one has ever been able to take away from me, art. If you were at CFz and I owe you anything, please email me. I've taken care of the folks who I had record of, but if anyone has managed to get through the cracks I can't apologize enough.

I've disabled comments because I don't want anyone to try to solve the problem. I'm not after pity, I don't want hand outs. I just want at least one place of my own to be a safe place because in a world where I have so many people who love and care for me, I feel like this is the only space away from all other social media that I can just let it out. I may not show it, but this little space on the internet means something to me. You guys mean something to me. I'm sorry I've not been a stronger person to not let things get in the way of what I love. I wish for nothing more than to just do artwork and enjoy it, feel care free, and make pretty pictures.

So, really, thank you to the person on twitter who got my brain thinking.