Am I a bad person?

I know I’ve been a jerk to people in the past. I know that this vacation is long overdue. But the reason I don’t take enough “me time” as it were is for moments like this.

Moments where I remember everything I’ve lost, groups I no longer feel comfortable in, organizations that no longer allow my presence, people who have been hurt by me, and people who have hurt me.

I sit here, on a dock over a lake I used to go to often with my family when I was younger and can’t stop thinking about the cousins and uncles and aunts, the brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews, a family tree uprooted.

I think of all this hurt and pain and anguish and then I think about who’s currently fast asleep in the cabin, why is he so kind to someone so unworthy of kindness, so caring for someone so worthless, why does he feel he deserves so little that he is with me?

I just don’t know anymore.

And I’m sorry to vent here, but I can’t just keep in my back pocket... good night everyone