Omg my First* Anthrocon! I can't believe I finally got to experience the awesome time that has so many times before. For me, just being me was an experience. X3

* to clarify, I've been to AC many times, but never presenting female. This was a first for me, both in doing it publicly (outside of the car) and in front of large groups of people.

So for those of you just joining us, I'm going to lay it out there. I'm questioning my gender identity and have been for several months. Or rather, I've been identifying as genderfluid privately, but even that part is mostly hidden from friends, family and the general public.

There's more, but I'll explain it more in depth in this art submission so as not to get too off track here. ;3

Anyways, I opened up to my feminine side years ago with crossdressing, but only privately. I'd post pics online and play up my feminine character traits, but I never thought about why I was so enamored with being that person who existed only in my own mind for so long. Now I'm exploring myself, and exploring my options.

AC was important to make it to this year, though we almost had to cancel due to expenses popping up right before the con (as per usual). I do owe  goddess_of_the_dead some money for the hotel room. >w> But anyways, the important thing is we made it!

I was a bit nervous about things admittedly. It wasn't so much the people around me I was worried about. While my social anxieties would do most of the work, people were overall affirming, non-confrontational, friendly. And the few interactions ranged from very positive to weird but not too bad (I'll get to that).

My brain, however, was not so friendly. As usual it made things difficult with additional mental pressure added to my dysphoria. That was at an all time high Saturday night, but I pushed through my fears and had a unique and in ways profound experience.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. ^^

When I got to the con on Thursday, I was presenting as normal. It wasn't until almost 1 in the morning that I got around to gearing up to be me, which unfortunately involves quite a lot of time in the appearance enhancing department (aka, makeup and prosthetics). And I was taking my sweet-ass time anyways because I was trying to get a buzz going (my attempt at special brownies was mainly fail, I had to eat way too much to feel anything) while being distracted by other people, Telegram/Twitter and "food" (Dominos, which was extremely disappointing, but hey that's Dominos).

By the time I was ready to proclaim myself eligible to exit my hotel room and relocate to the Westin lobby, the shuttle had stopped running from my hotel. So I walked from the Double Tree to the Westin at like 3:30 AM in downtown Pittsburgh dressed as a woman who probably doesn't "pass" the eye test.

But I looked cute as hell (IMHO, in the right light and the right amount of blur) with my last-second-off-ebay rainbow arm and leg warmers and the $5 black top I got at Walmart the night before. ;3 (btw Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat are JayniTigerpaw - mew! ;3).

I basically walked straight to the lobby, found a seat and plopped my tush. I put my sketchbook in my bag but of course I didn't use it. I just observed, looked at my phone/Twitter, took some photos and took in the experience.

On the way back to my room (which wasn't until about 6am) I got a compliment on my "body suit" (aka my fake boobies) and told I "look amazing", which got me blushing hard! I took some selfies walking down the street to my hotel room. Overall, it felt nice. Also I'm glad my roomies were all supportive. There was even a trans man rooming with us, Leone, although the topic of my own gender identity never came up, even as I spent an hour hanging out in full femme mode. That was also a bit of a stepping stone, seeing how I felt around friends (and friends of friends).

Friday I didn't do much of anything basically, because I didn't get up until almost 7pm. I spent most of the day catching up on sleep after staying up past 9am, as people in the room started waking up when I was trying to get to bed. Oh but I really did need it. I rarely get the opportunity for a nice, long, uninterrupted sleep, so I welcomed being lazy for a while. Unfortunately, it didn't leave me a lot of time to do much. I did get to dine with my lovely snowmew and also fursuited briefly as down by the riverside, where I discussed my gender identity and other stuff with my good friend  toraie, whom I've known for 10 years. He was very supportive of me and my journey, but of course I knew he would be. ^^ I also found some NIP (MJ)! A random non-furry was asking us questions about what furry is and what all is involved, and he gave me a couple hits off his pipe which he later dropped and broke... oopsie-doodles :c

Wish I could've hung out longer that night, but I started so late that there wasn't much else to do. But that's ok because most of the stuff happened Saturday! ;3

While I overslept the parade (willingly, as I hate waking up and rushing into suit when I'm tired), I did eventually get down to the convention center to suit around in JTigerclaw (my only suit right now) but madeover to look pretty! ;3 I wore my rainbow armbands and leg warmers again, which saved me from having to mess with fursuit sleeves so yay! I also cut out little felt eyelashes to affix to JT and a cute flower for my hair! ^^ And a cute little purse I got at the last minute from Walmart for $10! Seriously, it was the first time I've gotten to carry a purse and I think I love it... I have too much crap to carry comfortably in just pockets. X3

I made my way through the city just fine, got stopped for a couple of pics (including one I just added to the gallery!) and ended up in the convention center where I ran into  sethtriggs and  firewolf66, an old friend from when I lived in LA. Then I explored the Dealer's Den, where I got a cute little Lavendeer plush from SugarBunnyShop and a Two Kinds comic book (the artist Tom was one of my original webcomic inspirations and I had never met him before, so that was really cool!) That of course was the extent of my "spending spree" (sad I couldn't afford any Jayni art). I also ran into  gideon (intentionally! ^^). He's such a good friend, it's a shame I never have more time to hang out with him. He was super busy with commissions and stuff, but I'm happy we got to chat for a minute. :3

A couple of interesting moments happened where somebody recognized my fursuit (surprisingly), and one of them got my attention with a "excuse me sir... ma'am". It thought it was funny, getting misgendered in a fursuit, but I wasn't mad. I just looked down at my tits. XD But he was good about it when I mentioned I'm genderfluid and questioning. Everyone I came in contact with was super cool about it actually, which was very nice and made me more comfortable in my experience. ^^

Afterwards my friend The Dogfather Al Cabone catnapped me and dragged me to the coffee shop where  katalina awaited! But on the way I ran into  clemfox and  aisufox in the connecting bridge! I gave Clem a giant hug, after which she exclaimed "YOU HAVE TITS". Yep, well you know tits just sprout sometimes. ^^ I was super happy to run into her and her mate, and while gender identity never came up in conversation I felt comfortable interacting with them, and I did feel like myself. :)

I got a couple of she/her comments at the coffee shop (including from Kat!) which made me feel good. Then we went to the headless lounge to pick up some things Kat had in there and I tried to meet  bondofox but 30 min of phone tag yielded no results. After that point it was a long walk/wait for a shuttle back to the hotel (Kat was not happy and we were both starving). It took like 2 hours to get back and find someplace to get food, and our dinner plans fell through too since it took so long. I admittedly was in a bit of a foul mood due to frustration arising from that, but got over it when food arrived via Uber Eats. I don't even know the restaurant because Kat ordered it, but it was a British Pub that had these AMAZING TACOS with some amazing sauce that I devoured instantly. OMG food never tasted so good, due in part to how long we had to wait to decide and order, but Uber Eats will definitely be used in the future. ;3

Finally, I had one more night to dress up and experience being female while at the con. It took me even longer than usual to get ready this time. It included showering, shaving, applying makeup, fucking up the makeup and having to do it over, flip-flopping on what outfit to wear, whether to wear my hips, whether to wear a wig, etc etc etc... 2 or 3 hours later, I finally leave the room with, again, not much left in the night (I think it was 2 am). I didn't have much for plans, but I did have someone from Twitter I wanted to meet up with.

Kitt The Gryphon has been very supportive of my gender issues, and very validating of my female identity, which I truly appreciate. I was actually feeling very uncomfortable before I met up with him because I didn't like how male my face looked (which may qualify as dysphoria?) and was feeling a bit foolish and awkward in my girly clothes feeling not at all girly. After talking to him a bit, I relaxed more and felt a little more comfortable. I can't say I felt like completely natural, as I was trying to maintain my feminine persona and voice, so I was conscious of all that. I tried to be as natural as possible though, and I think I was getting used to it.

After I while, I got invited by the AC Trans twitter group I'm in to chill in a hotel room (in the hotel next to mine) so I was about to excuse myself and head over there to meet them and hang until I was ready to call it a night, but I ended up running into Clem and Aisu again. This time I was dolled up and NOT in suit, and she said I looked great! EEEE! ^__^ They were wearing their fursuit heads but Clem had these sexy fishnets on and Aisu was sexycute in his shirt and high heels. His butt was confirmed to be very grabbable. >:3

We ended up going to the very end of the rave, which happened to check off an experience I wanted to have (raving as a woman) and got to spend a little more time with Clem and Aisu. I rarely get to see them, so that was a treat! Then me and Kitt walked down to the riverside, where we sat and talked some more and shared a cuddle. I really did feel validated, and at that moment I thought "This is what it's like". Like I was experiencing a genuine preview of how it would feel to be a woman. Kitt was wonderfully supportive and made me comfortable enough to feel like myself, so I thank him for that. :)

However, one part of my walk home wasn't too comfortable, as I got to experience the other side of being a woman: being hit on by drunk guys. In front of the Westin, some stranger (not a con attendee) asked for money (that happens a lot). I was rather put on the spot, and to my great surprise I think he thought I was a cis woman. I told him I didn't even have a wallet on me, he asked me "are those boobs yours" (uhhh) which I replied "well, technically yes..." He asked where I got them. I wasn't sure what to say so I said "online", he laughed at that and I wasn't sure if he thought I was joking or not, or if he believed I was a woman. Because he asked to see, and I kinda showed him one because ok it's not real, and he kissed it like it was goddamn Mardi Gras. O//o Then he stumbled away saying "You're gorgeous." I had... mixed feelings. But strangely, being objectified by a drunk guy on the street and called 'gorgeous' did help me feel validated, though not in a way I'd want to experience again. It's sad that harassment by males is such a prevalent part of the female experience that I felt more female having had to go through it myself.

In the end though, I did get to live as a woman for a few hours, as legitimately as possible. Out in public, interacting with people, truly exploring my feminine side. It was an interesting and fulfilling experience, although I still think I need more experience/information to draw a definite conclusion, as well as to speak to a gender therapist ASAP for a professional's thoughts on the matter. But what I can conclude is that AC was a fun time and I very much enjoyed exploring myself, exploring my identity, pushing boundaries, experiencing a different perspective. I'm eager to do more research for myself, and I'm glad I pushed myself past my fears and insecurities to have this experience. Will it lead to more? Only time will tell. ^^

It's a very confusing time, but all I can do it go with it and try to just do me, be myself, and eventually figure out what all that entails. Besides, part of the fun is in the journey. ;)

Thank you everyone for all your love and support! Until next time darlings! ;3~

Jayni <3