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Sink or Swim
16 years ago
Life's a big old mess right now.
Like the title says, I've reached a point where I really need to swim hard or I'll sink irretrievably, but the water I'm in is vast and dark and scary and I've got a DAMN long way to swim.
Not to say I'm not going to... it's just very hard right now. Hiding away and sleeping/messing around in a room (I don't have one of my own right now) is very hard to resist, and drinking too often is looking mighty appealing. I know none of that is gonna help me though, and I'm doing my best to pull myself out of this.
I have people here helping me, and I'm infinitely lucky and grateful to have them. Still, it's ultimately ME who has to help me most, and I'm my own worst enemy right now. I'm afraid of failure, afraid of success, even just afraid of the goddamn phone. I loathe the idea of going back to work and dealing with more psychopathic bosses who will hassle me or fire me for no good reason and add to my already cumbersome anxiety issues.
To make things even more difficult I have a medical condition that causes chronic, often debilitating fatigue, and food allergies that I can't afford to take care of, so my stomach hurts most of the time.
None of this is new, by the way- things have been spiraling down to this point for the last year and a half at least, if not more. I've been immature in many ways as an adult thus far, and I've come to the point where I need to learn the hard way and actually succeed, or become useless, go-nowhere gutter trash, and I sure as fuck am not interested in the latter option.
I'm not depressed. Stressed as shit, yes; scared, yes; sad and frustrated about all this, yes. But I'm as stubborn as any Taurus, and determined to get my fucking life back in order and better than it's ever been. I want to DO things with my life, dammit. I need to get to the point where I CAN.
Like the title says, I've reached a point where I really need to swim hard or I'll sink irretrievably, but the water I'm in is vast and dark and scary and I've got a DAMN long way to swim.
Not to say I'm not going to... it's just very hard right now. Hiding away and sleeping/messing around in a room (I don't have one of my own right now) is very hard to resist, and drinking too often is looking mighty appealing. I know none of that is gonna help me though, and I'm doing my best to pull myself out of this.
I have people here helping me, and I'm infinitely lucky and grateful to have them. Still, it's ultimately ME who has to help me most, and I'm my own worst enemy right now. I'm afraid of failure, afraid of success, even just afraid of the goddamn phone. I loathe the idea of going back to work and dealing with more psychopathic bosses who will hassle me or fire me for no good reason and add to my already cumbersome anxiety issues.
To make things even more difficult I have a medical condition that causes chronic, often debilitating fatigue, and food allergies that I can't afford to take care of, so my stomach hurts most of the time.
None of this is new, by the way- things have been spiraling down to this point for the last year and a half at least, if not more. I've been immature in many ways as an adult thus far, and I've come to the point where I need to learn the hard way and actually succeed, or become useless, go-nowhere gutter trash, and I sure as fuck am not interested in the latter option.
I'm not depressed. Stressed as shit, yes; scared, yes; sad and frustrated about all this, yes. But I'm as stubborn as any Taurus, and determined to get my fucking life back in order and better than it's ever been. I want to DO things with my life, dammit. I need to get to the point where I CAN.
And a second one... "A being has a choice every morning they wake up... They can choose to smile and seek out the new day as an adventure... Or they can be bitter, scared, and avoid everything or be angry at everything... Why anyone CHOOSES to be Bitter and Angry? I'll never know. so I always smile because there's always something new to learn or understand."
So with that I just remember... Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. And eventually I'll end up where I'm going. The key is just never stop if an obsticle gets in your way. Look at it and always try different ways to get around it until it works.
I have faith in ya lass! I've metcha. I've ate with ya, I've hung around ya. You'll do just fine... Just keep at it and never give up. Should you need an ear... This dragon is here.
Rithy
With that being said, if there is anything that I would be able to do to help get stuff together, don't hesitate to ask. Weather that's exploiting my access to any OCAD workshops, or even just being awake at stupid times of the night.
I hope you find the courage to battle through with all this, and good luck!!
<3
i dunno which is scarier sometimes, success or failure. i dunno how one even gets wired to fear success.
best to ya though, i figure as hard as it is trying to eek by on ones on skill and business sense its still better than a 9 to 5. thats the dream i say.
Keep your head. There's a light at the end of the tunnel, and I have confidence you'll see it before too long. I'm rooting for ya!
First, about your fears, as you say, the road ahead is a long one. Even starting on it is intimidating because there's so much to do, not so?There is a way to overcome such fears.
If you think about losing, you will lose.
If you think about winning, it's opposite, losing will still be in your mind.
Try no to think at all. Concentrate your mind on doing what needs to be done; focus on that alone. Then you will succeed.
Remember also the old Chinese saying; the journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.
About your health, however; if your doctor can give a cause for your chronic fatigue, could you get a medical pension? Surely that would remove some stress, which in itself can make fatigue worse. I know several fellow Canucks with chronic health problems who have a home and food because of such pensions. And you can earn some extra cash on top of the pension before they start deducting. (If you've already considered this, never mind.)
With best wishes,
-- Dee
I HAVE a cause for my chronic fatigue, but unfortunately it's something called systematic candidiasis, which most Western-practicing doctors haven't heard about or don't believe in (yes, I'm one of those holistic medicine people. It's what I was raised with). Treating it requires a complete dietary overhaul for a minimum of six months, and it'll be hard to get funded for that. It's really a shame that naturopathic doctors aren't covered by OHIP, but hey, I'll figure it out.
I MAY be able to get a doctor's diagnosis for other medical problems I have, and a pension for that may be possible. I'm definitely looking into it. Thanks again! Take care and be well. <3