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What happens when we reach out and find that we're all alone
7 years ago
What happens when we reach out and find that we're all alone?
There's something missing
- taken from BAAO's new single - Alone
TL;DR: Something broke and I can't find a way to fix it. Have a nice day.
I have no idea how to write these life updates or explanations, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I need to get this off my chest.
I feel my social anxiety is getting the better of me. Apart from work, I usually spend my time silent, doing my things and watch my friends getting on with their lives, finding partners, having families. And I'm still where I was years ago.
I haven't had a relationship in four and a half year. It was very far from perfect and left me struggling to finish university (that I ultimately failed) and I had "find myself", using the most generic description possible. And I did, in my own Cael way. But the whole thing left me pretty much unable to trust anyone but myself. I don't know many people and I don't have many friends. Social interactions don't seem to have the same effect on me as they do on others, I find them exhausting and tiresome, having problems to connect with others. I don't seem to have the ability to chit chat and small talk anymore. Even starting conversations is a Herculean task for me as I don't want to bother other people. It usually takes me days or weeks to write anything (including this journal that I'm writing since Thursday).
And of course, being 26 and single, everyone keeps telling me to find some girl. The more acerbic parts of my family tell me to find some dude because not having a girlfriend for years automatically means you are into men to some people. But it's not that easy. Almost everyone I know is already engaged/married. I have no idea how to meet someone. The last (blind) date I've been on was god-awful. At least my friend I have seen 3 times in the last ten years and his fiancé went through the effort of setting me up with one of her friends. We couldn't have less in common even if we tried.
But the worst part of it all is that there is a voice in the back of my head asking - "Do you really want to?". And I don't know the answer. I don't know if I can ever be in a couple. I want to want to feel that way, but I don't know what to do. I don't know anyone who could help me. I don't have friends to guide me in life as others do. So I do things my way, the Cael way. The lonely way.
It seems so simple for everyone else, like they snap their fingers and suddenly bang, friends, partner, family. I want to be that way as well. But I don't think it's even possible anymore. It's like I've been an ice dragon for so long that my heart froze into a shard of ice, never letting anyone in so they don't shatter it. Again. And again. It just doesn't seem worth it.
This is my shoddy sort of explanation as to why I come across the way I do. If you've made it here, thank you very much for investing a few minutes of your life into reading this. I'll upload the rest of the art I haven't yet got in my gallery over the rest of the week.
There's something missing
- taken from BAAO's new single - Alone
TL;DR: Something broke and I can't find a way to fix it. Have a nice day.
I have no idea how to write these life updates or explanations, but I'm going to give it my best shot. I need to get this off my chest.
I feel my social anxiety is getting the better of me. Apart from work, I usually spend my time silent, doing my things and watch my friends getting on with their lives, finding partners, having families. And I'm still where I was years ago.
I haven't had a relationship in four and a half year. It was very far from perfect and left me struggling to finish university (that I ultimately failed) and I had "find myself", using the most generic description possible. And I did, in my own Cael way. But the whole thing left me pretty much unable to trust anyone but myself. I don't know many people and I don't have many friends. Social interactions don't seem to have the same effect on me as they do on others, I find them exhausting and tiresome, having problems to connect with others. I don't seem to have the ability to chit chat and small talk anymore. Even starting conversations is a Herculean task for me as I don't want to bother other people. It usually takes me days or weeks to write anything (including this journal that I'm writing since Thursday).
And of course, being 26 and single, everyone keeps telling me to find some girl. The more acerbic parts of my family tell me to find some dude because not having a girlfriend for years automatically means you are into men to some people. But it's not that easy. Almost everyone I know is already engaged/married. I have no idea how to meet someone. The last (blind) date I've been on was god-awful. At least my friend I have seen 3 times in the last ten years and his fiancé went through the effort of setting me up with one of her friends. We couldn't have less in common even if we tried.
But the worst part of it all is that there is a voice in the back of my head asking - "Do you really want to?". And I don't know the answer. I don't know if I can ever be in a couple. I want to want to feel that way, but I don't know what to do. I don't know anyone who could help me. I don't have friends to guide me in life as others do. So I do things my way, the Cael way. The lonely way.
It seems so simple for everyone else, like they snap their fingers and suddenly bang, friends, partner, family. I want to be that way as well. But I don't think it's even possible anymore. It's like I've been an ice dragon for so long that my heart froze into a shard of ice, never letting anyone in so they don't shatter it. Again. And again. It just doesn't seem worth it.
This is my shoddy sort of explanation as to why I come across the way I do. If you've made it here, thank you very much for investing a few minutes of your life into reading this. I'll upload the rest of the art I haven't yet got in my gallery over the rest of the week.
Zeethian
~zeethian
I actually talked to someone and several other people about this some days ago because they are dealing with the same stuff you are. This one was a female though and she was having a rough time as much as you are. I usually tell people not to let stuff like that bother them. I'm 21 myself and I've been single all my life but I don't let that loneliness get to me. What I would suggest is to take your mind off of being lonely. No one ever said it was a requirement in life to be with someone because lets be honest. Most relations in life don't always work out. I know a lot of people who are single but I've helped them realize that they have to stop beating themselves up. You still have a life to live and you can't let the bad stuff that people do to you hold you back. Just have to push it aside and keep moving forward.
