so...as much as i hate bringing up sad stuff, i feel like i need to at least vent about some shit that happened to finally stop hurting about it.....

A few months ago, at this point almost a year, i was blocked by a friend on all social media accounts we had been friends on. This came as a complete shock to me as we had been so good before that...or at least i thought so. It was brought to my attention by this persons family member that i apparently had been "bad mouthing" and "talking negatively" about my friend and their art...i was heart broken. this person and me have been friends for years at this point. I was trying my best to always be supportive and helpful with them...i LOVE their style and i love their art and i was always so proud of them when they progressed

I wasn't given a chance to explain myself to my friend, or even have them explain what specifically i had done to upset them....having someone say that you have hurt them but not explaining how is both devastating and frustrating...i have been so upset for weeks that we lost contact over something that now i cannot fix and don't really know what i have done.....every day i wish i could just talk to them....while they have blocked me i have not blocked them so i see when they post new art and it hurts so much that i cant comment and tell them how proud of them i am or how much i love what they have done.....all i have to say is this.....

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To my friend:

Im sorry for whatever it is i have done wrong to upset you. I have had the largest hole in my heart without you there. I have never EVER meant to hurt you and if i have then i am deeply sorry. You mean the world to me, and i only want to see you succeed and become the strong, beautiful person i know you are. I will always consider you a friend no matter what, and until i see or hear you outright say you want nothing to do with me, i will still be there supporting you, only now it must be silently.

I want nothing more then to at least talk to you about what happened and figure out what went wrong...i want to fix this...and if it cant be fixed and we go our separate ways at least we know we tried...we talked and we tried...I know you probably wont see this...so i guess I'm just talking to the abyss, but in the off chance you do come across it...please know that i have only ever wanted your well being. You were my closest online friend....a best friend when i felt like i had no one...i always enjoyed our talks about anime, art, your characters...it made me feel good..it made me feel like i was indeed wanted somewhere.

I know you must be hurting, or had hurt because of something i did, and that weighs on me every day...to know I hurt you, or upset you in some way makes me hate myself. i hate knowing i was the cause of this no longer being a thing. i have been angry, sad, depressed....all because i cant at least tell you I'm sorry.....

i honestly hope your doing well...i hope your happy and healthy and are doing wondrous things. I'm still very proud of the art you produce, and while i should probably delete you....i just cant bring myself to...i still have hope we can mend this. I want you to know this....everything i have said today is the truth. I do wish you all the best in your life, i hope and wish your family is happy and healthy and supportive. I want you to be able to look back on our friendship and at least smile from the good memories....don't let whatever i have done stop you from trusting others....live, laugh, love

I will be here if you ever want to reconnect, or at least talk about what happened....i will be here whenever you need me...if at all....i will always be there for you as someone that wants to uplift you...so even when you feel alone, while it might be bittersweet...i will still be someone who you can lean on. I want to thank you for the wonderful time we have had as friends....you helped me gain so much confidence in my art and you made me not feel so self conscious about pairing my characters with canon characters. i have change my outlook on life and i see the world a little brighter because of you. Thank you, I will cherish every memory i have and every thing that reminds me of you.


I hope this isn't good bye, not forever....

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That's all i can say on this matter. This has been a bumpy road for me, and i know that still having them on my list of "people i watch" will make the full recovery hard....but i just have to deal with that i guess. I'm still broken and hurting, and have basically had to stop myself from crying while typing this...but i needed it out there...even if they never see it...i had to at least write it...for me...its healthy to vent out things that upset you. Thank you for listening, and for those that have read the full thing...i appreciate the time you have taken to atleast understand where i'm coming from.


Pheonix Haruka (christina miller)