This year has been awful for me. Probably the worst I can remember. I feel profoundly alone and miserable.

This all never would have happened if I didn't try to join a new discord chat a few years ago, never would have lost nearly everyone I met. It's things like this that make me never want to try anything, it really is less painful than failing so spectacularly like I have lately. I lost someone I really liked, because I was too emotional over a game, lost the characters attached to it as well. I tried to find a new group to play with and lost them all as well, and it was for being too depressed as far as I can tell. I want there to be a different reason but I guess I'll never know now.

After being kicked out by people I thought were my friends, I made my first suicide attempt. It was half assed and I failed at it and got locked up for a while. I tried to keep in touch with one person from that group, but we failed to really do anything or talk anymore, and they ended up blocking me. It makes me think the nice words by them and everyone else were lies or something. That everyone was just sick of me and didn't bother to say anything.

I've not really left my bed except to eat and use the bathroom for a little over a month now. Some days I'll feel okay enough to play a video game but most of the time it all feels pointless. I can't stop wondering if my former friends were in the wrong for treating me like that, or if I'm just so intolerable to be around that it made sense. Neither answer feels better than the other.

I think about suicide constantly these days, hoping I'll be able to get it right before my parents die and I most likely end up homeless in the worst case scenario, or completely alone in the best case. Thinking about dying instead of dealing with that is comforting to me.

I wish I never had tried to meet new people