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What's Been Up/Where Have I Been/My Fears? [Please Read]
7 years ago
General
There is something a lot of people may not know about me, not that I necessarily hide it. My hiatuses have been a hiatus for preserving myself. I don't necessarily do the best when dealing with people and the times I'm away it's me trying to recover. You see, I suffer from Agoraphobia, a fear of crowds. Even if it's many individuals it can become overwhelming. The real struggle is that I love talking to people. It's why when I am around, people can see me frequently commenting on many pieces of art, journals, and shouts.
There comes a point when I just break though and I have to hide away because it's become too much and I literally get just too scared to do anything. Even going outside of my house becomes a problem. I come up with every excuse under the sun to not leave so many people don't know why I can't actually leave. It can even lead in to a pretty bad depression because I'm a person that thrives quite well on the interaction with others. It's a hell of a life full of contradictions, believe me. I'm aware.
I love so many of the people here and have wanted to always keep talking to everyone, alas, the mind that I have and how strong the fear was kept me from breaking through.
Before I left last time I had a falling out with a few people which lead me to the very simple thought that "If I'm not part of the solution, I'm part of the problem." Which caused me to slip away from anything and everything involving anybody. Even the streams I participate in I was very mechanical and distant. I struggled. Struggled hard to even feel the desire to wish to come back because of the fear that others may have been affected and view me negatively.
I guess I'm not always the bubbling pot of continuous positive energy, at least as much as I'd like to be. When I am here I will always try to be that person.
Even as this is typed, I'm struggling to even want to finish this journal. The button is there. I can click it any time to be done. Yet I remain here. Terrified. Hopefully one day I can fully beat this part of me.... I'll try to be back though.
There comes a point when I just break though and I have to hide away because it's become too much and I literally get just too scared to do anything. Even going outside of my house becomes a problem. I come up with every excuse under the sun to not leave so many people don't know why I can't actually leave. It can even lead in to a pretty bad depression because I'm a person that thrives quite well on the interaction with others. It's a hell of a life full of contradictions, believe me. I'm aware.
I love so many of the people here and have wanted to always keep talking to everyone, alas, the mind that I have and how strong the fear was kept me from breaking through.
Before I left last time I had a falling out with a few people which lead me to the very simple thought that "If I'm not part of the solution, I'm part of the problem." Which caused me to slip away from anything and everything involving anybody. Even the streams I participate in I was very mechanical and distant. I struggled. Struggled hard to even feel the desire to wish to come back because of the fear that others may have been affected and view me negatively.
I guess I'm not always the bubbling pot of continuous positive energy, at least as much as I'd like to be. When I am here I will always try to be that person.
Even as this is typed, I'm struggling to even want to finish this journal. The button is there. I can click it any time to be done. Yet I remain here. Terrified. Hopefully one day I can fully beat this part of me.... I'll try to be back though.
Thanks for the message! I really appreciate it!