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Weird Dreams
7 years ago
I rarely post anything here, but I do look around a lot.
The last several years have been tough, but there are small things of improvement. I have started hormones finally (been about... 5 months, I think?) Unfortunately a number of things have happened that haven't been so great. To anyone that knows me, I was in a "relationship" for a long time with someone. Who it was does not matter, and I care little to rehash it. But the point is, my belief in love has largely been destroyed. I haven't had any need for romantic love in several years. It's been a blank area, and something I cared little to "fix".
Then comes today. I fell asleep on the couch this afternoon, and was out pretty deep. Was cuddled up with my dogs, and they slept pretty well, too. Regardless... I went into a deep enough sleep to have a dream, which admittedly are rare these days, even more rare that they are "good".
I'll try to avoid getting too specific about it, but the dream actually seemed to take place over several months or years. I found myself in a three-way relationship with two others, and we were all happy together. Thing is, my mind established who these people were, and where the events took place. My mind made a detailed map of our house, where it was, and such. The people in question are real, and they are great so far as I've seen... but I also barely know them. I mean, would like to know them better, but it's not like my mind should be seeing them in this way. Anyway... not sure how it ended, but I do know I woke up to realize none of it happened, and I was crying because I felt so damn lonely for a romantic relationship. I... very realistically remember everything, and it feels like I've had my heart torn out all over again, much as I did in real life several years back.
I'm glad I had my dogs with me, because they knew I was upset and cuddled tightly with me and licked my face all up. But I was bawling like a baby and I keep crying at random with feelings of loneliness, realizing that the two people in my dream are not there, and never were. I'm angry at myself for putting myself in this awkward mental state, where I practically want to reach out to the people in question, but also know it's creepy as fuck that I even had this dream. I honestly want to wipe my mind of this, but frankly the memories are not fading, but are becoming more solidified. Almost like recovering a legitimate memory. It's not, though. No way at all.
I realize making a journal about this will only serve to remind me of this... and partially that is the point. I want to remember that I never want to feel this way again. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but I do know I've been hurt too many times, been used too much, and have had my heart broken badly enough that I just... can't allow myself to let this guard down. Not now, not ever.
Also, if you are the ones from my dream, and you figured out it was you... I am legitimately sorry for it. I wish it had been real, but know it was not, and I don't want to put you through this, either.
The last several years have been tough, but there are small things of improvement. I have started hormones finally (been about... 5 months, I think?) Unfortunately a number of things have happened that haven't been so great. To anyone that knows me, I was in a "relationship" for a long time with someone. Who it was does not matter, and I care little to rehash it. But the point is, my belief in love has largely been destroyed. I haven't had any need for romantic love in several years. It's been a blank area, and something I cared little to "fix".
Then comes today. I fell asleep on the couch this afternoon, and was out pretty deep. Was cuddled up with my dogs, and they slept pretty well, too. Regardless... I went into a deep enough sleep to have a dream, which admittedly are rare these days, even more rare that they are "good".
I'll try to avoid getting too specific about it, but the dream actually seemed to take place over several months or years. I found myself in a three-way relationship with two others, and we were all happy together. Thing is, my mind established who these people were, and where the events took place. My mind made a detailed map of our house, where it was, and such. The people in question are real, and they are great so far as I've seen... but I also barely know them. I mean, would like to know them better, but it's not like my mind should be seeing them in this way. Anyway... not sure how it ended, but I do know I woke up to realize none of it happened, and I was crying because I felt so damn lonely for a romantic relationship. I... very realistically remember everything, and it feels like I've had my heart torn out all over again, much as I did in real life several years back.
I'm glad I had my dogs with me, because they knew I was upset and cuddled tightly with me and licked my face all up. But I was bawling like a baby and I keep crying at random with feelings of loneliness, realizing that the two people in my dream are not there, and never were. I'm angry at myself for putting myself in this awkward mental state, where I practically want to reach out to the people in question, but also know it's creepy as fuck that I even had this dream. I honestly want to wipe my mind of this, but frankly the memories are not fading, but are becoming more solidified. Almost like recovering a legitimate memory. It's not, though. No way at all.
I realize making a journal about this will only serve to remind me of this... and partially that is the point. I want to remember that I never want to feel this way again. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, but I do know I've been hurt too many times, been used too much, and have had my heart broken badly enough that I just... can't allow myself to let this guard down. Not now, not ever.
Also, if you are the ones from my dream, and you figured out it was you... I am legitimately sorry for it. I wish it had been real, but know it was not, and I don't want to put you through this, either.
