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No immediate danger. Depression and Thoughts of suicide
7 years ago
Here is what is going on with me...
I have been really struggling lately with my sense of worth. My value. My depression. And my loss.
I have completely lost my excitement of most things. I used to love holidays. I'd decorate for all of them. Especially halloween. I didnt this year. I dont care. I want to. But I just dont have any desire to do it. My excitement is gone. Everything feels like a chore now. It used to make me very happy. Now I just...dont care.
I hate my job. I want to focus on my art. I am so unhappy at my job, but I have a mortgage and need health insurance. I need stable income. And a good amount of it to keep my home. But like...fuck I'm so damn miserable all the time. And speaking of time, I only measure it in how long until I have to be back at work now.
I'm miserable and I think a lot about suicide. How much I would rather just not have to live this life of mine. There is nothing that I can really come up with in my current life that makes it worth living. My dog cocoa, who passed away a few years ago, kept me going. He was the love of my life and i wanted to be around to love him. I have two more dogs, and i love them, but i dont even really consider them to be worth living for. My dad would care for them.
I'm trying to just keep on going. Doing what i can to keep my mind off stuff. Trying to keep up with my art. Working on new products I've wanted to do so I can have something to work on (FURSONA Toys)
I'm not really looking for advice or any butt pats or anything. Just wanted to explain why I've been a little absent and stuff. I cant really post stuff like this on Facebook since I have work people on there.
I have completely lost my excitement of most things. I used to love holidays. I'd decorate for all of them. Especially halloween. I didnt this year. I dont care. I want to. But I just dont have any desire to do it. My excitement is gone. Everything feels like a chore now. It used to make me very happy. Now I just...dont care.
I hate my job. I want to focus on my art. I am so unhappy at my job, but I have a mortgage and need health insurance. I need stable income. And a good amount of it to keep my home. But like...fuck I'm so damn miserable all the time. And speaking of time, I only measure it in how long until I have to be back at work now.
I'm miserable and I think a lot about suicide. How much I would rather just not have to live this life of mine. There is nothing that I can really come up with in my current life that makes it worth living. My dog cocoa, who passed away a few years ago, kept me going. He was the love of my life and i wanted to be around to love him. I have two more dogs, and i love them, but i dont even really consider them to be worth living for. My dad would care for them.
I'm trying to just keep on going. Doing what i can to keep my mind off stuff. Trying to keep up with my art. Working on new products I've wanted to do so I can have something to work on (FURSONA Toys)
I'm not really looking for advice or any butt pats or anything. Just wanted to explain why I've been a little absent and stuff. I cant really post stuff like this on Facebook since I have work people on there.
But know regardless there are people who care. Just if those thoughts ever do get a bit overwhelming. Some of us peeps out here really do give a damn.
I've been on both sides of it. In the military, when a I shared a lunch with a guy and his friend in high-stress training, who was making rather flat jokes about suicide, we later decided it was probably best to contact his superiors. We would rather see him hounded than dead.
On the other side, I've made an attempt at suicide once. While a bad reaction to an SSRI was part of it, the truth is ideation slides smoothly into other behaviors. You prepare for suicide like a trip or party, partly consciously, but a lot on autopilot too. You go through motions and kind of enter a standby. That's when something makes you panic or sours your mood even more and you take that step you've been inching to for a while.
You don't decide "I want to die" until usually just minutes beforehand. It's astonishing how little is actually clearlyunderstood about a phenomena that takes so many young lives.
People who are legitimately considering suicide need help, and I definitely -- and always -- encourage them to see help. Sadly, the vast majority of people who are experiencing those the actual desire don't speak up about it. They keep it quiet.
I wish there were better avenues for people to get help.
My dads wife says I'm just looking for attention.
I've been so depressed for a long time but I've had things to hold on to. Things I still enjoyed. But over this last year I've lost my love of holidays and lost my joy of shopping and pretty much everything. I held on to my dog and my love for him but he passed a few years back. I got another dog before he passed so when he did pass I still had something to hold on to and to love. But they're not enough. It's not the same.
It's hard to find any reason to continue to struggle. I hate when people are like "well I would miss you. If you cant stay for you stay for me" and like... why. You're asking me to keep suffering and being miserable for yourself. And that's just not fair. I WANT to be happy and have a reason to keep fighting. I'm not even really emotional about it when I talk to me friends or family anymore. I'm just kinda...factual? Like. Straightforward about just really not wanting to keep on living this life I hate so much.
I will be launching a furry typed action figure toy soon. I've wanted to make my own toy for a long time so I'm trying to take it to kickstarter to try to make something I've wanted to and have something to keep busy with
Having to work the holidays killed the excitement for me. Skip it for a couple of years and do it when you feel like it. I attended parties on those surprise holiday off moments, I didn't decorate or plan anything since I expected to be on shift.
Most Important - remember to keep art fun for you. Doing stuff for sale and such for the con circuit, but remember to do something personal without it being part of the product. Seen too many artists creativity go away when they saw it as a job instead of fun.
Just two cents from a person did fanarts of Sumisan years ago.
If you have insurance through work, it might help to look into seeing a professional for an hour bimonthly or whatnot. Depression will eat away your time much moreso than some in that office.
I adore your art, and I don't know if even living off furry art is a thing possible in the long term anymore, or if that would ultimately would leave you happy, but goals to work towards help. Small ones lead to big ones.
I really do wish you the best of luck. You're worth a lot to us.
Also since it at times helps to think fresh about this, I know this is a good little primer on how to do so.
https://youtu.be/LO1mTELoj6o
If you have anyone you can reach out to on a more permanent basis, even if it's just telling someone to check up on you from time to time, by all means, do that. You can even poke a bun if you like. Goodness knows I've got a few people keeping an eye on me as well. Tis the season, and all that.
Pretty much life for me is Work, Home, Repeat. Very few things I look forward to anymore outside of movies and furry cons. I want to strive to better myself but I'm at the point of why bother. Just awaiting time to be hit with a heart attack or something.