I'm not one for sharing much about my personal life for a number of reasons. Main thing being everyone has their own problems and I've always had a hard time really expressing my own. In fact, I've written out this exact same post four times over the past month, and each time I've written it, several paragraphs in, I just stop, close my window, and decide not to post it.

This time, it's different. A month ago to this very day, my grandmother passed away after suffering a heart attack two days prior. She had a heart attack Saturday on around 2pm~ish, November 17th. She was stabilized but had a full twenty minutes after her heart attack where oxygen wasn't reaching her brain. Machines assisted her breathing because she wasn't able to. Two days later, November 19th, at 10am on the dot, they ran the neurology exam, and declared her legally brain-dead. My family agreed to a DNR since my grandmother didn't want that. And two and a half hours later, at 1:30pm~ish, she was gone.

Me, my family, most of my relatives still in California, we were all in the room with her, holding her in her last moments. Those of my relatives who are religious were tearfully praying for her to have a safe journey in the next life, and other things I couldn't understand since my Farsi isn't too great. Then, I watched a woman who, for the first half of my life, was like a second mom, who, up until almost two years ago, was still a constant, independent old lady, breathe her last breath on this earth.

My grandmother was 94 years old, and would've been 95 in March (...I think. Honestly, ancient birth certificates from Iran are freakin' unreliable. 'XD)

In that month, she was buried in Iran with her husband, we had a service in her favorite restaurant (mistake, because holy crap, we were WAY beyond capacity and I ended up eating my kebab in my freakin' car watching Columbo on my phone. XD) And on top of that, the jerk-ass bastards in charge of her apartment gave us less time to clear out her place than they would have if she were evicted.

So, this month has been very difficult, but I'm not sad. My sister and my mom have been, and since they both suffer from depression, it can kinda hit them in waves. Hence why I've been checking up on them frequently. But all told, where we all are now versus a month ago, I think we all miss her, but at the same time, we all also look back on our memories of her fondly. I'm not a stranger to death, even in this family. In fact, just a month prior to my grandma passing, my cousin from Iran passed away due to a losing battle with cancer. My point is, as someone who has dealt with a lot of these past few years and dealt with several brushes first hand, while it's only human nature to miss a person when they're gone, it's important to find a way to remember one thing:

The best way to honor the dead isn't simply to mourn their absence, but to celebrate their lives, to laugh at the memories, to shake your head at the stupidity, and to be grateful that they were a part of your life, and that your life was better having known these people.

I can damn well guarantee I won't live to be 94 the way my grandma did. I'll be amazed if I even make it freakin' 70, to be blunt. But I honestly cannot imagine a more perfect way to go, in retrospect. My grandma didn't suffer. She had her heart attack in her sleep and in her final moments, was surrounded by all of her children and grandchildren still in the area. My dad, who HATED my grandma, came by in the memorials, forgave her and apologized to her and just wanted to be there for my mom, despite the fact that they ALSO kinda hate each other 'XD.

Even thinking back on just how Goddamn PACKED that restaurant was when I went to the stand to speak along with all her other grandchildren, seeing all those people touched and impacted by this lil old lady in some capacity, I knew she was loved. And I knew she loved back. More importantly, through that love, I knew despite the HELL that was her upbringing, that ultimately, she had a good, long life despite being uneducated, despite never learning the English language, and despite, well, a LOT of things.

Now, comes the part that's always kept me from posting this:

"Why does anyone need to hear this?"

Because ultimately, I REALLY don't want sympathy or anything like that, and I don't want people to feel bad in reading this. I guess the reason I'm posting this now is because, whether you celebrate the Holidays or not, with this new year drawing to a close, I think now more than ever, it's important to live your life, and to never stop being grateful for those whom you love.

And ultimately, I post this just to get it out there and out of my head. Because I'm not sad. There are days when my brain kinda messes with me and when I remember she's gone, I feel melancholy, but even during those days, I still feel gratitude. I'm grateful that I can still laugh at the silliest, borderline stupid moments we all shared. I can remember those few instances of sass where I'm just thinking, "Daaaaaamn, this old lady may not speak a lick of English, but she will sass the HELL out of you...y'know, when she's not asking why you're not married with three kids. XD "

Finally, to any of you guys going through a hard time right now, like with grieving, know that time does help ease the hardships. One day, you'll work through whatever's got you frustrated, sad or anxious. And you'll see, you have the strength to work through it, and come out better as a result.