Well it’s that time of year again. Though things are a tad different than last year as I am spending it here in a hospital with my mother, father, and brother. It’s not for me as my father. Something was blocking his stomach causing him pain. I’m pretty sure he’s going to be fine for the time being, so there’s that.

But it’s a nice reminder that I’m not really looking forward to the upcoming year. Just another year pressing further into the inevitable. I look back at this year and it hasn’t really been the best. Just a massive amount of stress that will continue onto the new year. It’s just a matter of waiting and seeing.

Truth be told I’m scared. Such a huge mantle of responsibility has been dumped on my shoulders. Everyone is going on and and that I’m the man of the house now, it’s all on me. But no one ever bothered to ask if this was something I wanted. And when it comes down to it...this isn’t what I wanted.

I was going to leave. Pack a bag, pick a direction and sail off to the night. Come clean, and start over. But I can’t do that anymore. If I left then I’d regret it the rest of my life. I hate not being able to do anything. If there was some way giving an organ to my father to make this all stop I would. But alas I can’t. And that’s just how life is. I just wish it wasn’t so terrifying. I wish I wasn’t so terrified, and I wish things weren’t the way the are. But of course it never works like that.

Maybe I’ll take up drawing or something.

Anyway, happy new year everyone.